It’s finally Week 12 and thanks to not checking my TV times I missed a full 45 minutes of tonight’s highly anticipated Apprentice Final. However it’s easy enough to piece together events from the final minutes I caught of our remaining candidates’ efforts to start up their business plan ideas.

Face Nazi Leah is robotically professional and comes up with “Dr Nick” (“Hi everybody!”) with the scary strapline “Turning Back Time on Your Skin” (because age is evil, eh kids?). She manages not to make someone’s head explode with an over enthusiastic injection of poisoned pig fat and gzzt whirrs and clicks her way through the presentation with icy aplomb.

Lovely Jason ends up on Luisa’s team by default. Therefore she is doomed. Luisa gets cute cupcake girl branding but falls apart at the pitch, reading her cue cards with the faltering delivery of a six year old trying to ask her teacher if she can go wee wee. She blubs disconsolately afterwards and gets a hairy necked hug from Neil Clough Saves The Day.

Back in the boardroom the Face Nazi gets full backing of her team (especially the essentially shallow and oily Myles) but Sugar worries she doesn’t listen because Leah doesn’t go with his advice to call the business “Dr Leah’s” (House of CyborgSex).

Karren thinks Leah’s “very bright” , but also reckons  Luisa understands business underneath “all the pink”. Nick just nods sagely.

The candidates are given a last chance to sway the Nookie Bear faced peer.

Luisa tries to seduce him with her understanding of business and “what makes profit”.

Leah just uses two little words “Extremely lucrative” which are hidden none too subtly amongst such waffle as “fantastic , unique…  dependable… trustworthy”. It’s also revealed she has an exit plan to sell off 9 clinics for £8 million after 5 years (as, she adds two more irresistable words, a “conservative estimate”).

Poor Luisa hasn’t even thought of an exit plan, and tries to bluff that she didn’t need one as she claims to be a market leader.

When Lord Sugar reveals he’s concerned as to Luisa’s other businesses, she’s a bit too quick to assuage his fears (“My shop looks after my.. I mean itself”), but he’s still harping on about her “game-playing” and now he’s also worried Luisa won’t listen to him either. Don’t worry Lord Sugar – nobody really listens anymore. Luisa reckons she has learned from the process that sometimes “it’s ok to shut…” (the fuck up) “your mouth”.

Sugar turns to Leah. Whilst he trusts her, he also knows “it’s a nasty world out there” (“Imagine a dartboard and I am the bulls-eye”) and worries that he’s cruising for a bruising should anything go wrong in the heady world of face-fiddling. Although the notion that people being made to feel that it’s necessary in the first place is the really bad thing doesn’t seem to occur to the gruff but loveable barrow monkey.

Leah smugly assures him that she would tell him to run a mile from anyone else setting up such a business “unless its me”.

So Sugar’s forced to choose between a morally dubious business with “amazing” profits if it’s run correctly and a “safe” cupcake business with so so profits. Hmmm!

Nick decides to speak up, asking Leah how stubborn she is. “I’m normally very compliant but am extremely passionate” Leah responds emotionlessly, as though she’s been programmed as a “basic pleasure model”. 

Sugar weighs up his choices yet again. So Luisa has a “business personality”but he’s “concerned about her 100% attention” . He trusts Leah’s “morals” and sees her as an expert in the field, but finds it very hard to choose her (“It boils down to where am I now at 66 years old – do I need another load of aggravation?”). However “on balance” the beardy ballsack’s mind is finally bloody made up , and by now it’s no longer surprising that “at the end of the day the devil in me has got to take the risk” (and the loot) – so he hires Face Nazi Leah, who almost looks human in the hire car of glory.

So we’re off to a strangely muted “You’re Hired” where everyone skirts cagily about the fact that a vain and greedy young woman encouraging body dysmorphia won the day.

Luisa faces the live audience first and apologises to Jason for her “disgraceful behaviour” whilst he forgives he like a bumbling Christ.

Leah disingenuously tells Dara she is hoping to “regulate” this industry. Oh for fuck’s sake. “I’ve by no means left the NHS I’m so young I have 40 years to give the NHS” so why not give it them you greedy shallow cow, rather than taking their training and buggering off to make an easy non-essential fortune in a nice pastel coloured clinic pandering to the fears of unhappy people. At this rate I’m frankly surprised David Cameron isn’t in the audience applauding warmly. This is our future people. The best chance your nan might have of getting a hip replacement is if she forks out for some collagen implants first.

So that’s that. Face Nazi Leah is hired and we can expect Lord Sugar to turn up next year with a silky soft head the size of the moon as his bollock like facial creases have been ironed out by his lovely blonde replicant assistant. Things can never be the same again. Apart from the fact that as usual next year will inevitably be more awful.

So long suckers.


Winner: Leah

Bye bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie, LovelyJason, Alex, Myles, Jordan, Neil, Francesca, Luisa