Week 10 dawns at 6am,as Leah, all hair and pout, gathers everyone in the sitting room immediately for a message from Lord Sugar. Wow he’s on their telly and everything, as he has to go off on a Johnny Foreigner Jolly. In the meantime he reverts to his barrow boy roots by setting them the task of growing a business in 48 hours by buying stock with £150 to sell on market stalls the first day and moving the best sellers to a shop for day 2.

We’re back to girls (Evolve= Luisa, Francesca, Leah) versus boys (Endeavour=Myles,Neil, Jordan), so surely the girls are thoroughly screwed. However Luisa now TOTALLY thinks like they have “totally something to prove to those stupid boys”.

Myles wants to PM and Neil keeps tactically quiet, despite the fact that Myles thinks a stall is something that an idiot does to a Ferrari. On Evolve both Leah and Luisa nominate themselves to lead but Luisa wins the vote as “obviously” she has “three retail businesses”. Immediately Luisa suggests fashion because it’s like totally “on trend”.

As the girls go off in search of “quantity, quantity and quantity” of fashion tat (Luisa “Beanie hats are really in!”, Leah “Oh really, I thought they were more 1998”) to “stack high and sell cheap” the boys dither about a choice of products. Jordan suggests “greetings cards”. Myles thinks “teapots are cool”. “Have you guys made a decision?” snaps Karren Brady several lifetimes later. “Just give us a couple of minutes” Myles pleads lamely before resignedly choosing “homeware”. “We just need to choose 2 or 3 products and see what happens” Neil froths, but Myles already looks beaten (“Yeah..”) and decides to look to “glean interesting pieces” in East London, honing in on some overpriced Franklin Mint recreation tupperware boxes priced at £11.50 to trade and retailing at £25 like some clueless, smarmy embryonic Paul Whitehouse clone. With only 16 overpriced ceramic serial killer yellow rubber gloves, notepads (yes still ceramic. For fuck’s sake) and butter dishes, the boys are for some insane reason not doing all that well (Myles: “They don’t really wanna know do they?”)

Meanwhile Jordan stresses that Myles has only bought expensive posh ceramics and plumps for cheapo greetings cards. He turns up like the cavalry, but before long is forced to flog loads to a newsagent for a £25 profit. He rushes off incredibly slowly to get the cards and as a result fails to get any more crap ceramics, leaving Myles and Neil on a fairly empty stall.

Meanwhile the girls sell shed loads of cheap hats and Luisa sends Francesca to buy more.

Despite Jordan having spent hours getting the cards sorted for a poxy £25 profit, Myle now sends him to buy candles. Cue Jordan poncing about getting the life story of the candle suppliers for a day or two.

The candidates get their shops, with Luisa deciding that “East Side Fasion” should stick with what sold well the previous day. However they allow Francesca to take a punt on some cute overpriced designer dresses. She asks if they can get them for £25, the woman selling them says she can do them for £27. Francesca accepts and I’m not sure whether this is a fistpump or a NOOOOOOO moment. However no amount of Luisa namedropping Pixie Lott will shift these shifts at £65 a pop and she ends up having to try to flog them for £40 as “vintage style”.

The boys shop (“Casa Unique”) looks particularly blank, although it’s bare red walls have a nice minimalist abbatoir chic which Karren finds “so unenticing”. Myles and Neil agree it looks “awful”. “We need to get creative” Myles declares as he skips around the shop uselessly flailing. The evil looking ceramic glove dominates the window display, or at least it would if an increasingly frantic Myles wasn’t stood on the verge of tears in front of it.

Meanwhile the girls sell shit loads of hats and scarves and I’m sorry but the edit would have to be really bloody clever for them not to win this by miles (sorry Myles).

Somehow Neil manages to sell some of the horrid overpriced crap whilst Myles hovers looking bereft. Jordan eventually returns from his quest for candles and reveals some worryingly blindly metrosexual tendancies when Myles suggests that two candles for £25 is too expensive (Jordan “They’re STATEMENT CANDLES”. Despite this clear warning, Neil hints (without taking personal responsibility) that Myles should send Jordan to gamble on buying a “high ticket item”.

Given the dress fail, Luisa sends Francesca to “diversify” with erm yet more hats and scarves. Nick Hewer is impressed however by her retail skills.

Jordan learns about the history of ceramics before returning with a £79 “Zsa Zsa” vase (retail £190) which looks like a grey version of the eggs out of alien but is meant to resemble tulip flowers. Karren thinks it’s a “big risk” to try to overtake the girls. However, as the diminutive Jordan has bought it, it’s not that big. “It’s not as big as I thought” Neil moans when he looks at it closely (he first saw it in Jordan’s arms presumably). Myles is a “bit disappointed” so tonight it’s hard to tell the difference. “I don’t know what they expected” Jordan flounces “I think it’s really pretty”. He’s dispatched to try to flog it to mad people in independent shops and is running pretty close to browbeating an unconvinced looking hippy lady, but to try to keep us in insane suspense we’re taken back to the Board Room.

Predictably our favourite Beardy Bollock faced peer harks yet again to his umble origins before establishing that all the girls are happy with Luisa. Nick was impressed with Luisa’s £370+ worth of sales but Karren jumps him to trump him with Neil’s £470+. Why don’t you just MARRY Neil, Karren?

Myles is mocked for going for “high end designer bespoke pieces”. All 16 of them. The boys look a bit sheepish and Myles admits the shop looked “embarrassing”.

Anyhow it’s scores time:-

Endeavour made £298.83 cash and were left with £251 giving total assets of £553.26

Evolve made £393 cash, stock was £415.55 so Total assets were £809.05

The girls are sent to The Cube pop up restaurant to be fed by a Michelin chef and hang out looking like Charlie’s Angels.

The boys tuck into recriminations in the cafe of doom, where Jordan is convinced the other boys sound stupid (no understanding of ceramics eh?) blaming him for the task failure.

Back in the boardroom, Lord Sugar suggests that Myles has “no clue about retailing” and Myles manages to confuse retail and markets. Jordan’s vase is produced as evidence, causing confusion and terror all about. “Wha..wha.. is this?” gasps Sugar. Jordan replies smugly “It’s a vase Lord Sugar and it’s a very unusual and unique vase”. Whilst Lord Sugar agrees it may have been all well and good for arty farty types, Jordan “stands by” his “product” (eh?) , even though he failed to sell it to the hippy, and Sugar gives him an unreconstructed none vase buying “You are a massive bender” look. “What looks bad is you sat here still saying you like that vase”, Myles snipes. Neil vacillates between blaming Jordan and Myles, but is confident in his own results having sold £470 worth of cack.

Myles boasts that he is used to selling to a “luxury client based in Formula 1” which morphs into a “Luxury brands marketing agency” when Sugar quizzes him. “It all sounds lucrative” Karren sighs (that’ll be the word luxury), and Myles confesses that there aren’t “great margins” in the current business. Oops.

argues he’s all about “Innovation creation and operation” (and bullshit). “If you talk long enough you’ll convince yourself” Sugar scoffs, adding that Neil’s “online estate agency business” needs to be a “bladdy good plan”.

Jordan’s acting like a bit of a twat (“My business plan is phenomenal”) but his idea of a “platform creating games for mobiles” could be were the money lies, if only he’d shut up and stop patronising Sugar when it comes to software (no matter how rubbish Amstrad was, he’s not going to like that). Jordan lets slip that he has two other people doing the technical donkeys work for his business plan and Karren gets all moral (“So there’s three of you in this platform”) spurring Jordan to nearly screw himself over, when it’s in reality quite simple that if he won the partnership with Sugar he could then use his production team as contractors. Sadly he talks himself into trouble before adding “I’m a safe proposal”. I wouldn’t buy a used bag for life from this man right now. “What bleeding world do you live in” Sugar growls. “Let me explain myself” Jordan smarms anxiously and I’m screaming “Shat up!” at the telly whilst Sugs “don’t wanna hear anymore! It is my money. my investment so I need to be clear who I’m investing with”. Jordan does a big cough to disguise the fact he would dearly like to cry at this point but although Sugar hasn’t got “a bladdy idea” what Jordan’s talking about, he predictably fires Myles, whilst promising to “get to the bottom” of Jordan. Missus!

In the taxi of doom, a rather mature Myles is annoyingly “Philosophical” and like a grown up decides that it was a fair decision.

Next week it’s the interviews. And Claude the pitbull says “You’re a parasite. This interview is terminated” to someone. I hope that’s not the best bit.

Liking, but not as much as I did: Jordan
Tolerating: Francesca
Disliking Mildly: Neil, Leah
Disliking Disproportionately despite her having done very well this week: Luisa
Bye Bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie, LovelyJason, Alex, Myles

Who will win? Neil. He’s a twat in many ways, but probably the best of this bunch in terms of skills.

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