I missed the first half of week 7 due to prancing round like a prat in rehearsals for the Merry Wives of Windsor, so had to rely on Mr Hazel’s precis:-

They all got summoned to the tower of London. As I’ve just finished reading “Bring Up the Bodies” I got quite excited, but Mr H explained that they were merely sent to Coventry, well at least Birmingham NEC to the National Motorhome and Caravan show to choose products to sell to aging campers (No, not Quentin Crisp). Firstly the teams browse accessories including folding chairs and bikes, then they are given a budget for a “high end item”. Neil is Project Manager for Evolve and they buy a folding camper apparently worth “10 fecking grand” (Mr H), despite loving a cute retro camper. Kurt leads Endeavour and looking at the sales figures for the folding camper thinks it’s the best item, but Alex disagrees and leads Kurt down the retro camper path.

I arrive at 9.30pm and think I’ve been slipped a dose of peyote mushrooms as I watch Jason close a ten grand deal on the folding camper (“I’m on the verge of a sale”), however we’re lead to worry that the cheque made out by the caddish customer may well bounce (as though Jason is some sort of hapless PG Wodehouse character). Neil admits through splinteringly clenched teeth that Jason making the first sale hurts his “man pride”, but adds that Jason isn’t “god of sales”. Whilst Jordan and Luisa sell electric bikes to the terminally lazy, Neil convinces an incredulous bloke that it’s possible to put up a folding camper in “five minutes” (lies) and makes a 10.5K sale.

Over on Endeavour Alex is as usual moaning, as he isn’t in Kurt’s elite “high ticket” sales team (Kurt and Myles, spectacularly failing to sell the rather cool retro camper to aging ramblers), so he’s stuck with “stupid” girls and reduced to asking women if they want “a look at my boat box”. Kurt meanwhile decides that his sales pitch needs some “eye candy” so summons Leah over (cue Natalie looking comically rejected – it could have been worse, he could have called over Alex) and the Irish Diana Dors emerges after 10 minutes honking and pouting at a nice old couple claiming she thinks she’s sold a “big one”.

In the boardroom Lord Sugar qualifies that sales only count if the finances check out ok (oh no! Poor Jason!).

It’s revealed that Endeavour’s Alex (who’s never been PM) gave way to Kurt on this occasion as Kurt has camping experience (Pontins 1992?) . Sugar throws in the curve ball that perhaps nobody trusts Alex. Alex tries to look trustworthy but his eyebrows have different ideas.
Myles thinks the products weren’t right and blames Leah for not being passionate about the accessories and saying things like “Obviously I don’t have kids”. Natalie also puts the boot in claiming Leah lost the bike by asking three times for a discount. Leah maintains it was only once and Nick Hewer ends it by declaring it irritated the bike vending lady.

Kurt gets some stick for not choosing the folding camper, due to Alex, who insists he is right as “I have personally dealt with people spending thousands”. Kurt retorts”Isn’t your company an internet business?” (KURT SLAM!) and Alex gets all haughty (“I have sold to the Royal Family”).
Neil as PM for Evolve based his decisions wisely on the average sales per day for products. Lord Sugar wryly addresses Jason “I bet you’ve never been camping”. “I’ve never been to Birmingham either” Jason says proudly. I love Jason.

Anyhow here come the sales results.
Endeavour made £1479 on accessories, but didn’t sell ANY retro campers (no matter how close Leah was – that’s one handjob she’ll regret giving).
Evolve won on accessories alone (£3116) but also sold 3 folding campers (£30499) making a total that’s well, massively more than Endeavour.

Evolve leave but Jason is called back in, his wide eyes darting fearfully as he wonders how he’s cocked up and I think it’s the cheque, but no, Lord Sugar’s been setting us up and just wanted to say “well done”. Jason visibly deflates, “I hope to keep impressing you”, whilst Leah from Evolve pulls a “licking piss off a nettle” face.

(Dark) Lord Sugar channels his (not so far) inner Yoda “Learning from the process clearly Jason is” before sending Endeavour to bitch in the Laff Free Cafe whilst Evolve get to race Chris Hoy at Manchester Velodrome (Jordan is best placed).

Back in the boardroom, Kurt’s under fire for choosing the worst product according to sales figures and Alex is castigated for having a target market of over 50s yet choosing a product for 35-45 year olds. (Karren “It’s not your opinion that matters Alex”). Talking of Jedi, Myles (“I know my way about closing a high ticket sale”) is mocked for describing himself as the “Jedi Knight of Sales” on his CV (Obi Buy Wan Get One Free Kenobi?), but still thinks the product was wrong and Alex still disagrees and thinks it’s a personnel problem (if that’s the case why did you still sell less on accessories you lamprey faced lunatic?) .

Nick grasses on Kurt for bringing Leah over as “eye candy” and Leah gives Kurt a hacky look and a hair flick whilst Natalie begins to say “it would have made sense to bring me..” and as they all stare in silent “What the Fuck”ness she hastily adds that it’s not to do with her looks but “because I’m in recruitment… you’ve seen the figures”. No, sorry, What the Fuck? “I don’t know what point you’re making” says Sugar and for a moment me and the Lord are as one.

Kurt brings back Alex and Natalie, claiming that the latter scared people away from the bikes (erm I didn’t see that bit but I thought everyone blamed Leah earlier?), insisting like a spoiled Scouse kid addressing an estranged parent at a Christmas get-together that “You never got the bike. You never got the bike you said you would get”. Natalie’s not happy, but Kurt points out she only managed one fifth of the accessory sales too. More than you soft lad. Leah gets a lucky escape here I reckon.

For the second time in the boardroom Natalie turns on the tears, claiming Kurt brought her on tactically because everyone is talking about the fact Lord Sugar said to Natalie he would fire her if he saw her in the final three again. (The irony is that this time she could have played the gender card and had a point, Kurt having proven himself a sexist twat).Kurt asks her to stop crying, repeating that she sold the least and she shoots him a look of pure loathing.

Kurt confesses he messed up by picking the wrong item. Alex states (after a long self-aggrandising speech) that it’s “not in my nature to sit and brag”. At the end of the day it’s in Alex’s nature to let clichés do the talking. “Actions speak louder than words” he adds smugly. Then shut the fuck up.

Sugar declares that “This task failed cos of the product. It was a fatal error” and Alex does a little gulp before Kurt is fired for messing up and slopes off scousily. He’s not that bothered in the cab (“I took a risk and lost”) and maybe that’s been his problem all along.
Natalie’s eyes magically dry and her mouth forms into a thin, satisfied smile. Then Sugar fires her too (“You’ve had a hell of a lot of chances”) and I laugh long and hard. Perhaps I’m taking this too seriously? In the taxi of regret she insists she is still upset “Kurt bought me in tactically” as though it were some sort of GAME or something!

Alex is sent back to the house to reflect on Lord Sugar’s words and put the fear into the remaining candidates.

Jason looks amiably round whilst swirling a large glass of red thoughtfully, “None of us are safe. We’re all very good. It’s high-caliber stuff now.” and the others start to wonder, in a sudden cold sweat of terror, if, just maybe, he’s not a complete freak. Or at least if he’s going to last longer than them. The shame!

Next week it’s my favourite task where the candidates create an advertising campaign. And this time it’s for an “online dating concept” – and one team somehow selects Alex to appear in their advert showing off his “guns”. Maybe they’ve developed http://www.serialkillerswithstrangeeyebrowsdating.com – can’t wait!

Loving: Jason
Liking: Jordan (despite the trousers)
Impressed by & warming to but not yet having the love for: Neil
Finding Amusing: Alex
A bit bored by: Francesca, Myles
Disliking:- Leah, Luisa
Bye, Bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie

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