It’s 5.20am and Natalie and Luisa race to answer the phone in a blur of hair extensions and talons. The candidates assemble at Surrey Docks inner city farm, so there’s lots of cute shots of adorable, slightly wobbly, critters gambolling around; lambs, goats, Jason.
Natalie’s convinced that having been in the final three last week has given her “more drive”. “It does give you the whole picture” Uzma shares, as Natalie and Luisa pull Meh Whatever faces.

The task this week is to source produce for a farm shop (in the East End). Most sales win. Lord Sugar decides to mix up the teams. Zee’s been expecting this chance to prove himself as the girl’s “saviour”, but instead it’s Myles, Jason and Jordan who lend some dubious testosterone to Evolve (Luisa, Rebecca, Leah, Francesca) , whereas Uzma and Natalie join Endeavour (Neil, Alex, Zee, Kurt ). Neil goes all suave and welcomes the “laydeez” to the team, but it’s clear LordSugar is expecting a better show from the female candidates this week (“You avven’t shown me much till now”).

Luisa volunteers to Project Manage Evolve, and feels her experience in the world of making and selling cup cakes makes her ideally suited to this task (“I source local produce” – trans “I pop down the local Tesco Express”). Rebecca decides to volunteer too, just for shits and giggles, claiming to have “an interest in farm produce”. She admits she has no experience, “but I don’t think it’s rocket science”. Luisa shoots her death looks, but the New Team Men now speak and select Luisa who flicks her hair, vindicated. Jordan confesses an almost amusing interest in “unusual meat”, and Luisa agrees as long as she can make cheapo soups and sell jacket potatoes. Because I don’t know about you but whenever I go to a farm shop I think “all this fresh produce is well and good, but I wish someone would just cook it for me”. Or maybe I don’t think that and just go to a takeaway when I want food cooking for me.

Over on Endeavour, Zee’s keen on flogging fresh milk and Kurt (the goatee bearded healthy soft drink & hubcap theft guru) thinks he can put a big markup on freshly made milkshake. Alex isn’t convinced (“Why not something simple like cheese on toast?”), but Neil doesn’t “wanna talk about it anymore, it’s done!” I’m loving Neil’s dictatorial approach to team leading; shame none of his previous project managers have had the balls to speak to him in a similar manner. “Are we doing costumes?” Alex attempts to have some positive input, “Because I don’t mind dressing up as a scarecrow”.

Luisa takes her team to a buffalo farm (“There’s a nice smell round here” Farmer: “That’s called manure”) to see cute baby buffalo, which then presumably get made into cute baby buffalo kofte. They buy a load of the fillet, which costs £28 a kilo and retails at £45 per kilo – so they’re playing for the “I saw you coming” crowd, which Nick Hewer points out is “a risk”.

Kurt tells Neil he can sell 200 milkshakes, which Alex points out would mean selling one every 3 minutes, but Neil’s convinced.
In Hampshire Alex greets a bemused dairy farmer lady. “I am from Wales” he reassures her, in case she thought he was a real Vulcan. “Er that’s wonderful” she wavers. He tries to work out how much to offer her for her milk. Sadly he does this out load, whilst repeatedly saying “er..get a calculator..”, but it seems to gain her pity and she lets him have shit loads of milk for £40 as long as they bottle it themselves. Cue Alex finally getting to dress up, in a white sterile suit and hairnet, looking worryingly like Miranda Hart in a New Order video, bottling milk then chasing after terrified cows whilst the team try to get a photograph of the source of their product.

In Essex, Myles, Francesca and Jason are looking for veggies to buy for Evolve’s shop. There’s bargains a plenty on cabbages, beetroot and sweetcorn and they’re all for filling their boots, but over the phone Luisa insists they just get small amounts to help make the store look rustic (“maybe 6 cobs”). Myles is incensed. “Just sort of use a bit of logic like.. engage your brain”. Francesca looks archly at the boys “You see why we’ve lost tasks..” Myles and Francesca mutiny and insist on spending £150 to make the shop look like, erm, a farm shop. Luisa gets the cold dead glint of the PM who now has a Boardroom excuse in her eyes and decides to “let them do it”. Encouraged, the subteam go all Madam Bovary and tasting an exquisite apple juice, they request £25 more on their £52 budget to buy some but Luisa claims she’s all out of budget, as she’s about to spend £150 (!) on spuds and leeks.

Kurt leads a shopping subteam for Endeavour, but appears to have morphed into my thrifty scouse brother (“I wouldn’t spend any money on that”), so convinced is he that his milkshakes will bring all the East End boys to the Farm Shop and will make over £600. “Just hear me out” Kurt insists as Neil tells him to buy more veggies. Neil hangs up. After buying blackberries he calls back to check how Kurt has been obeying his orders. Not well as the scouser has only spent £33 out of his £100 budget and has apparently only 10 cabbages to his name (“I know we’re gonna make a lot on shakes”). With less than an hour to buy produce Neil ends up having to buy stuff for his farm shop from erm the farm shop of the farm he’s at, so he doesn’t sell out of produce (“I’m pretty annoyed”).
At 7am the teams head to set up shop at Broadway Market. Neil’s confident in his team’s strong sales skill-set, but winces as Natalie grasses Uzma up as being a bit shit. “You are going to see me in action today” Uzma insists to Kurt and Zee. They look a bit frightened and avert their eyes.

Maybe it’s the wine but I like both shop names. Luisa’s is Buffalocal (Buffaloco would be better) and Neil’s is Fruity Cow (which sounds like a theatrically delivered insult from “Vicious“).

Luisa’s aiming to shift 200 soups and 150 jacket potatoes. Awkwardly Myles points out that these are lunchtime products so they need to have a realistic sales strategy. Luisa does a Nigel Tufnell “This Goes Up To 11” blank eyed look and ignores him. Their first customer enters, a nervous woman and child. Her eyes widen in horror at the prices and Jordan tries to calm her down (“Remember it’s not a steak, it’s an award winning buffalo steak” – maybe it won UK’s biggest rip off?) but she runs off screaming (“It’s incredibly expensive!” Jordan “Don’t be afraid to tell them quality costs money”). Myles is sent outside to sell soups, but decides against giving free tasters as the soup’s so rank. An enormous man wearing a construction helmet buys a load of buffalo maybe because he’s just eaten the rest of the Village People and is still hungry.

Over at Fruity Cow, Neil appears to like Nat, laughing merrily and tousling her hair as she breaks a box of quails eggs, whilst he orders Uzma to move empty boxes, then to “keep moving around, just do it” and snaps at her whenever she asks any question (regardless of whether she’s being dim or not Neil’s management style of Uzma is micro-cock management).

Karren points out that Fruity Cow’s orders are “coming in thick and fast”, much like Kurt’s shakes (haha), but Kurt’s not satisfied and decides to diversify by sending the team to buy cheapo Costcutter apple juice so he can make fruit and veg smoothies. Part of me is now praying for Kurt’s blender to explode. He’d be a great creditor – he’s obsessed with liquidating assets (boom boom).

Myles suggests it might be nice to display some delicious jacket potatoes out on front. How very tempting. To make them more attractive, Leah displays them in a box lined with tin foil so that one can buy slightly congealing jacket spud and protect oneself against cosmic rays by wearing the box on one’s head. Myles decides against displaying jacket potatoes out front. As sales increase over lunchtime, Luisa tries to motivate Jason to stop shoegazing down in the soup kitchen. Myles sees Jason as a “trickless pony.. He can’t sell.. he can’t make soup…” and as Luisa teaches him to fill a jacket spud whilst he flounces around like a tit (“I’ve just got to rewash my hands”), you think maybe Myles has a point, except Jason is good at being funny.

Both teams flog off as much stock as possible, but Neil’s left with a fridgefull of milk and Luisa’s desperately waving sackfuls of “organic” spuds at passersby. She admits that the jacket potatoes was an “epic fail” and that she “had to change strategy… that might be our downfall”. Of course it doesn’t occur to her that her subteam saved her.

Back in the Boardroom, Lord Sugar’s unconvinced about Luisa’s “Baffalo”. “Have you ever tried buffalo?” asks Jordan adding brightly when the grumpy beardy peer grunts in the negative, “then maybe you should”. Cue a very hard stare from our favourite Nookie Bear faced entepreneur.

Under Francesca’s watchful gaze Luisa outlines her takeaway strategy of soup and baked tatties. “Would you expect that at a farm shop” Sugar asks, “or something special”. Luisa does the Nigel Tufnell look again. “I wanted soup” she repeats. “Soup is cheap”. It’s revealed that Luisa fell short of her sales targets – selling only 70 soups and only 15 jacket spuds. Myles buries the hatchet stating he felt her strategy was “flawed all the way through” and that they failed due to her limiting the subteam’s budget.

Over on Endeavour, Neil’s surname-sake Brian Clough is mentioned in relation to his management style. Zee distances himself from the quantities involved in operation Milkshake and Kurt strokes his goatee thoughtfully like a man who couldn’t find a hand-dryer, before foolishly sticking the knife into Neil over his budgeting and lack of direction.

Anyhow here’s the results:-

Endeavour
Total sales 1097.82
Spend 558.15
Profit £539.67

Evolve
Total sales
£1249.52
Spend – £618
Profit £631.82

Jordan does a great big “Get In!” and airpunch and Lord Sugar admonishes him “Can I remind you, you’re not at a football match”. Come on Sugar, you’re a Spurs fan, how often do you get to do a good airpunch?

Kurt looks very gutted. Luisa tries to look angelic but just looks smug and dim.

Evolve are sent to the tram shed restaurant for a treat. Rather than a genuine group hug on the way out, Luisa pats Jordan slightly on the back then stalks pointedly past Rebecca. Miaow!  No love lost then. She states to camera she’s “pissed off” with Myles for challenging her in the Boardroom, even though her subteam saved her.

In the Sad Cafe Kurt sums it up sagely “We didn’t sell what we had at a good enough margin” (or enough of it, div) and he passes the buck masterfully “Neil was responsible for sales”.

Back in the boardroom, Zee does the milkshake hand dance “It was milkshakes, milk, milshakes, milk…”

It turns out the shakes and (not very farm fresh, Costcutter sourced) juices made £373 in sales so about half of the team’s profit. Not quite Kurt’s promised £600.

Uzma tries like an idiot to intervene and make it about her. It works. Neil says Uzma was the weakest person on the tea. “OH REALLY!” squeaks Uzma, adding “No I welcome it, it’s fine”.

Kurt’s blamed for not spending, but Neil’s asked whether he gave any direction, and only he and his now loyal henchman seem to think he did.

Kurt and Uzma are bought back to the boardroom. I bet Neil’s sorry. At one point in tonight’s task I saw Uzma lovingly peel a corn cob as part of the store display and I bet that corn cob sold. Uzma thinks she’s a victim of sexism (“This is the problem working with you boys… you can’t talk” – erm Uzma have you been paying attention at the girls’ team meetings?) and lazy thinking (“You bought me here because I’ve been here twice before”), but Neil insists it’s because she is crap (“If I’d wanted an easy option I’d have bought Natalie back, but Natalie worked really hard”).

Neil’s CV claims he’s “not afraid to trample over people” and he adds “I’ve been the strongest candidate in the first three tasks”. “There’s a fine line between confidence and being a bit cocky” (-cocky +of a twat), Sugar points out.

Sugar sees the promised 200 sales figure as a noose around Kurt’s neck, and isn’t too impressed by Neil being supposedly so strong yet getting talked into going along with Kurt.

Neil blames Kurt for the task failure but says Uzma was the weakest candidate and Sugar finally snaps that he doesn’t want Neil doing his job for him. He turns on Neil, stating “I think it was unfair to blame Kurt.. and for that reason…” (Neil looks stunned, but of course it’s a bluff), “there’s not much space left for a mistake”. Kurt’s next and is advised to “stop spouting your mouth off” about sales. And it’s with no great sense of surprise that Uzma (Sugar:”there’s no smoke without fire”) is, er, fired. In the Taxi of NO Regret she predicts that this time next year she’ll be a millionaire (“Lord Sugar hasn’t seen the fire in me” – maybe she’s an arsonist?).

Back at the house, Zee’s happily dissing Kurt (for having been subteam leader ahead of he, Zee) and Neil (for foolishly making Kurt subteam leader, ahead of he, Zee). there’s a delicate cough as Neil and Kurt enter, leaving Zee to ponder how much they heard.
Neil doesn’t pull any punches about the firing “I had a weak link in the team, and they’re no longer here”. I’ve been told he’s really a nice guy, but you know the way telly is meant to put weight on people, it’s really putting twattiness on him.

Next week the teams travel to Dubai to find items for a hotel. Bartering and casual religious insensitivity is virtually guaranteed.

Liking: Francesca, Jordan (I know the fistpumping makes him a nob, but at least he appears to have a brain, and unlike Alex it’s a human brain)
Warming to: Rebecca
Finding Amusing: Zee, Jason, Alex
A bit bored by: Leah
Disliking Mildly:– Myles, Natalie, Kurt
Disliking really quite intensely:– Luisa, Neil
Bye Bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma

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