Week three dawns and Duane looks at his alarm in disbelief as the candidates are summoned to St Katharine’s Dock, home of posh yachts and overpriced pubs, and as Sir Alan explains, where he played as a lad as cutter ships sailed in laden with spice. That’s the tenuous link to today’s task, which is to create and sell a new condiment.

The ailing girls of Sterling are given a hot testosterone injection with the addition of Duane and erm Nick, whilst Katie is given some respite from the coven and forced to sit with the Pheonix boys, who do their best not to behave like the Anchorman news team upon the arrival of . Adam “officially” welcomes Katie, “We do things a bit differently here… like winning”. Katie smiles slyly “Um thanks for being such winners”.

The Sterling girls are broken from their celebratory “Katie’s gone!” reverie by Duane putting himself forward as Project Manager in order to add “structure” to their team. Whilst Laura and Jane look suitably horrified and oppressed, Duane wins the vote and hopes to bring “creativity and positive energy” to the mix. Good luck there.

Katie volunteers to lead Pheonix, causing Stephen to go all “careful now.. it is a very complicated job for a lady”… “I think I’d do a good job” she insists, slightly wounded, and wins the vote over Stephen who looks a tad miffed. Ricky’s straight in there asking if he can be “Second in charge on the subteam” (Katie agrees) whilst telling the camera he thinks she’s nowhere near the strongest candidate.

Pheonix brainstorm a “table sauce” (Katie) with a “spicy kick” (Michael – who I forgot existed in last week’s summing up), and Stephen channels memories of the Dolmio advert to come up with the name “Belissimo” to sum up all those sexy Mediterranean qualities that this will entail. Katie suggests they name-check “Belissimo” (“It would be awful if it was like ‘crap’ in Italian”), but Steve’s adamant he’s an “Ideas Man” (i.e. he never shuts up) and it will win the task for them.

Duane at Sterling are all about the chutney, and Jane’s not happy as from her food marketing experience she thinks the market is so “ridiculously saturated it’s impossible to differentiate yourselves”. She adds that food nowadays is all about the “health and well being line”, Duane ‘agrees’ “Let’s go for quality and luxury”. Jane calls up the travelling subteam of Nick, Jade and Gabby with her suggestions of brand names “Natural Fusion, Simple Goodness, I Have a Baby”, and everyone agrees on the suitably ambiguous and just wanky enough “Infusion”. Nick likes infusion too. Jade looks ecstatic “This might be the best subteam I’ve ever been on” she rasps happily. What a difference a flopsy bit of cock makes.

The subteams are dispatched to the Victorian splendour of Tiptree jam factory just down the road from me to knock up sample condiments. Both sets need to get samples to London within the hour in order to pitch to a poncy deli. Ricky proves he’s not just a simple recruitment manager by day/ pro wrestler by night by revealing he also used to be a biochemist a skill he can easily turn to creating new life.. sorry spicy ketchup whilst Tom stands around looking a bit surly but confused like Stewart Lee and working out the costings on ingredients.

Meanwhile Duane’s leading the Sterling production line on pineapplea chilli chutney (I made some for Xmas – it’s very nice since you asked), but needs Jane to work out what they can afford to make before he commits the team to following the recipe. Yes that’s right – Jane’s on finance again. “I need a definite answer Jane” Duane finally snaps after half an hour of her umming and ahhing about margins and percentages. She just looks all flaky and hurt after all she’s “not an accountant” or anything. Just someone who started this show by barking at all the other girls about margins.

Katie’s subteam work on packaging “Belissimo” and she’s keen on a holiday vibe – cue a condom packet style “sunset” label. Eventually they end up with a plain red pepper on a white background (which misleadingly would make me think “Yum. Pepper sauce”).

Pheonix come up with a tasteful blend of browns and yellows and an explanation of what the product actually is on the “Infusion” label. Those crazy mavericks.

It’s taste test time, and Duane bravely volunteers to test the evil looking chilli based gel that lurks in the first batch of “Infusion”. “It’s perfect” he starts before being propelled around the room Exorcist style by an unholy coughing fit which eventually casts him retching into the corner. Nick concludes the chutney current contains “too much chilli by a factor of three”.

Once Duane has been safely hosed down he declares “I’m going to take charge” (well you are project manager mate). Jane’s immediately on the defensive “I didn’t do that”. “I know you didn’t” says Duane (leaving “you mad bitch” unsaid).

“Ricky!” bellows Adam like a Northern Frank Butcher as he peers into the unseasonably dark batch of Belissimo. “Something’s not right. It’s boiling like an omelette” he frets. Something tells me Adam’s mum does all his meals for him. Having failed to figure out the mystery shit tasting ingredient the boys dump the whole batch and start again, but somehow they manage to produce a sample for the posh deli. All goes swimmingly until deli man points out to a crestfallen Steve that there’s actually two Ls in Bellissimo if you want to use the real world.

As Sterling have to start the chutney again from scratch, Nick, Jade and (silent) Gabby have to pitch without a product to the bemused posh deli men (“It’s the first time in history someone has turned up without a product”). Cue much squirming.

Back at the factory, Duane runs around like superman, but this time he hasn’t had another taste of the chutney, but is working hard co-ordinating the rest of the team (the increasingly sour faced Jane is of course given stirring duties). They manage to jar up shed loads of the stuff and it actually looks quite yummy.

Ricky’s subteam have realised that Belissimo coagulates as it cools so they can’t get it into the bottles. Rather than keep it over a very low heat they rush to pour as much as possible of the rubbery liquid into bottles, wasting loads in the process. Ricky has the smart idea of adding water to save some more of the product. That’s what a biochemistry degree will do for you. The boys still seem to end up wearing more of their product than the bottles contain, their white lab coats splattered with more red than malpracticing surgeons.

With 10 hours to sell they call Katie to inform her that a fifth of the product has been lost (actually a third has if you count the other wasted batch), so the cost price has to go up. Katie calculates that they will have to increase the cost price to £3.99 so takes most of Pheonix to Westfields shopping centre in Stratford to flog jars at £3.99 or 3 for a tenner to gullible members of the public, whilst Michael leads Tom and Azhar in the relatively simple task of selling only 80 bottles to trade.

Nick, Gabby and Jade try to flog Infusion at another Deli, but unfortunately, explains the beardy in-house chutney maker, it’s one of those places that prides itself on selling only British ingredients and the totally tropical taste of Infusion would look out of place next to the Pontefract Cakes and golliwogs. “The Chutney maker has spoken” apologises the owner.

Duane leads Jenna and Jade to pull faces and growl at people in a supermarket at lunchtime, but gets less interest than he expected for some reason.

Pheonix meanwhile are doing a roaring trade at Westfields, but the trade team call to ask the bottom price. Katie suggests £1.99, so Michael manages to throw away a potential sale to a woman in a café who actually likes the product but doesn’t want to go above £1.95. Rightly Tom and Azhar rebel and demand the chance to negotiate and Michael sulks and sweats like a suicidal clown while his subteammates manage to flog a few bottles to an Italian café owner, despite him pointing out the spelling mistake (presumably they found a few howlers on his menu in return). Michael moans that the boys are “jumping in with loads of ideas and that” but decides “as long as we sell that’s the main thing”. Just figured that one out then.

Finally Sterling return to the posh café with the long awaited chutney and manage to sell 300 jars of the stuff, but slightly cheaper than they wanted to at £1.70 a jar. However Duane has lead his subteam to a posh foody shop in Marylebone and managed to sell loads of jars at £2.15 each.

Katie’s rather more desperate and her subteam flog their last 48 bottles of Belissimo to a bloke in a corner shop for £40 (Katie has to Shhh one of the blokes who pipes up “Can you meet us halfway?” when the deal is actually done). However they discover that Michael’s team still have 23 bottles left.

Meanwhile Duane’s subteam (well Duane) have sold all their jars for an average of £2, but the other subteam still have 72 units left.

Time for the boardroom, and Lord Alan points out that Katie said in her application that “Men can be manipulated”. The boys don’t like that, but they still back her when she giggles, tosses her hair and says “Don’t say anything nasty”. Adam bigs up his “major role in operations” (I think he retrieved a spoon from one batch they chucked). But it boils down to the fact that production screwed up and Katie had to increase her margins by selling to the public.

Sterling all back Duane’s leadership, apart from Jane, who’s pulled up on whether she’ll give Duane any credit by Lord Sugar and says something suitably non committal. There’s a good chuckle over the first batch, which Nick describes as a “dangerous and poisonous concoction.. to be in same room was certain danger.”, and Sugar bemoans the fact Sterling didn’t think of taking at least an empty jar to the first pitch, and then it’s score time and there’s no surprises.

Pheonix sold 305 bottles and took £585.56 profit

Sterling sold 607 bottles and made £1028 profit

So basically had Pheonix made enough, they’d have walked this, but has Katie introduced a world of lose to the boys or (more likely) has Duane taken away a world of win with him. No matter as Sterling are sent off to race cars, where Jane manages yet again to be a miserable cow about Duane (who notes his disappointment with her to camera).

There’s a lovely arty shot of the losers in the bridge café half framed by a plastic ketchup bottle. Katie’s convinced that she wasn’t the weakest link, but Ricky’s equally assured that “all the good things that happened were down to me – the bad things were the other guys” (he really said that! Wow!). Everyone’s underwhelmed by Michael’s selling.

Back in the boardroom, and Lord Sugar yet again points out that production “was all screwed up”, undermining Ricky’s claims of having masterminded “the best recovery since Dunkirk” by saving 21 bottles worth. However when it’s pointed out that Katie’s subteam sold 253 bottles to the public and Michael’s only managed to sell 53 to trade, everyone starts blaming trade sales too – even though they were already completely doomed by not having enough bottles to sell. Tom quickly points out that it was all Michael’s fault as he was in charge and Tom has no autonomy, being the pretty boy of this year’s series.

Katie brings back Ricky as he was subteam manager (despite admitting that “he sold his heart out”) and Michael. I wouldn’t have bought back Ricky as he’s the sort of person who will keep on arguing his corner until everybody else caves in, and he comes out fighting with the excuse that Katie didn’t make it clear what the target market was. Michael joins in “Katie should have said – get as many made as possible”. Katie rightly argues that this is a “none point” as selling units depended on a good amount of units (within budget) being made.

Karren suggests that Ricky mismanaged the production line (“There were too many people cooking and not enough filling”) and Ricky admits that it was an “oversight” due to his lack of experience (you volunteered, sharkboy). Michael plays the boardroom all wrong and clearly expects Ricky to join him in trying to savage Kate, but Ricky’s not stupid and turns on Michael “Why didn’t you phone Katie and say you weren’t selling or make a decision and drop the price. I’d be embarrassed with those figures”.

Michael’s an excuse man and next claims that Katie’s subteam made it easier for themselves (by stopping random shoppers as opposed to following up leads?). He proves to be a bitter little man by bemoaning the fact he wasn’t “born with a silver spoon in my mouth” (but he does have the FA Cup for ears) like some of the other people here who are “highly educated” (what?!) “and all that stuff.” Sugar’s unimpressed and asks Michael if he’s not out of his depth. Michael clearly thinks his anti-intellectual cockney geezer spiel is working and launches into an apples and pears bedecked tirade about how “some people can talk the talk” (but can’t do the Lambeth walk). So despite the failure all being at the factory, Lord Sugar fires Michael for being rubbish, grey and looking like a junky Mr Potato Head. Michael reflects on his personal successes in the taxi of doom, as the manager of a kitchen and bedroom furniture store. Am I the only person who finds that combination odd?

All the girls hope Katie’s gone, but Adam annoys them by giving her some credit for trying to deal with the Belissimo fiasco. Ricky returns and admits that Lord Sugar “had me for a minute, but then I realised Michael was there”.

Next week the teams are selling scrap and rubbish to people. Pheonix must win this one.

Loving: Duane

Liking: Katie, Azhar, Jade

Meh: Tom, Nick, Gabrielle

Irritated by: Steve

Disliking: Laura, Ricky, Jenna

Itching to slap: Adam

Loathing with a twitchy fury: Jane

Bye Bye: Michael, Maria, Bilyana

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