(This was going to be my “View from the Funny Farm” for Colchester 101 in January 2012 – but for good reason it couldn’t be published – probably just as well given the lazy writing)

When I look back on the year 2011, my vision is accompanied by flashing lights and a burly cop bellowing “Nothing to see here”. Having launched unprepared into the maelstrom that was last year, I felt moved to use the services of local psychic Elsie Deadpeople (think Nostradamus on brandy and babycham) to provide the following helpful guide to surviving 2012:

 

January

Michael McIntyre plays Wivenhoe Funny Farm delighting comedy fans with his cheeky brand of observation and head nodding. You should have been there, it was great.

 

February

Nothing good ever happens in February.

 

March

Rupert Murdoch’s empire finally crumbles when it is revealed that he sanctioned hacking of the private conversations of tiny innocent children using string and yoghurt pots. Comedy Promoter faces criminal charges for misinforming public.

 

April

Ed Milliband is revealed to be a slow burning April Fool prank.

 

May

Wivenhoe May Fair a success despite tactical nuclear strike.

 

June

Little Mix headline Glastonbury prompting a boom for Claire’s Accessories. The Queen gets into the spirit of austerity by celebrating her Argos Elizabeth Arden Cubic Zirconia Jubilee. Wimbledon delights the nation as Andy Murray finally smiles, but it’s later revealed to only be “wind”.

 

July

Meteorologists warn of the “end of days” as it fails to rain for an entire week. Boris Johnson proudly unveils his new sport for the London Olympics; the 100 metre bumble. Bus drivers in Colchester go on strike. Nobody notices.

 

August

The Late August bank holiday is abolished half way through the day itself as an excuse to sack 2 million public sector workers.

 

September

Colchester Firstsite fend off criticism of their controversial new installation: Tracey Emin’s “Oops I done a swear”.

 

October

The entire cast of “The Only Way is Essex” tragically die in a mass vajazzling pact. Essex University justify charging new students £50,000 fees by blowing up Clingoe Hill. With its citizens deprived of access to Waitrose, famine hits Wivenhoe.

 

November

The coalition government finally stop blaming “Labour’s legacy” for us all having to survive on a diet of dust and vitriol.

 

December

A regular Colchester 101 contributor is warned that they won’t get away with churning out “shoddy fake psychic” copy for January 2013’s edition in order to reduce her workload, no matter how many sodding mince pies she has to bake.

 

The next Funny Farm is on Thursday 23rd February with headliner Mark Rough and support from Mike Belgrave and Caroline Mabey. Details and booking via http://www.wivenhoefunnyfarm.co.uk

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