It’s episode two of the first week and the next shortest person in the Apprentice household is presumably cacking their pants.

The candidates all called into the kitchen at 5am to watch a pre-recorded Lord Sugar video on their laptop, like the guiltiest porn ever. Today it’s a tech task, something Sugar reckons reckons he knows “a thing or two about” (maybe he’s been doing evening courses since Amstrad?). The teams have to design a “world class” smart phone app which will go live online for a day – with the team with the most downloads winning.

“We have to put ourselves on the map and prove why we are here” rally rouses Glenn. “Are we fast app roaching where we need to be?” , before the boys slide into the murky mire of “app” puns. It’s Vincent’s chance to prove that not only is he a suave kind of good looking guy, but hey he can rock the world of comedy too. “Do you have an app le?” he smirks. A tumbleweed cloud engulfs the car in stony silence.

Logic continue their laddishness with a tussle for the role of PM, with Leon putting himself forward first (“I created an app for my business”). Gavin’s still being dour and scouse, claiming “I’m just interested in getting the right person”, without actually nominating himself, but he opens the floodgates for Vincent (“I’m experienced in software writing” – hair flick), Jim “I can lead”, Glenn “pick me!”; everyone in fact except Alex, who’s just so damn respectful he thinks that although he “could lead, there are probably people better placed”. After all this faffing around, Leon is duly selected to lead.

There’s little argument amongst the Venture ladies when Edna elects herself as team leader. “I’m a chartered business psychologist at the top of my game.. I don’t suffer fools gladly..” (hmm great psychology!). She’s immediately issuing calls to action, ordering a pogrom on people with limp handshakes and sending out Felicity’s sub team to do market research (they discover that people who use apps like them to be “idiot friendly” – well of course).

The boys brainstorm their apps. Gavin’s idea is cyber bubble paper (think it’s been done). Inventor Tom gets more scientific, with an app that can tell you what the temperature was on this day a year ago (handy if you’re a Time Lord with a limited wardrobe). He’s got another idea though. “Traffic lights”. It sounds promising and everyone turns to him to hear more. “I er didn’t think it through more than that” he falters sheepishly. Glenn comes up with the idea of a “simple, cheeky, easy little app” that gives out regional accent insults, and all the boys, addled by years of flicking through “Zoo” and “Nuts” on the toilet, fall hopelessly in love with the very idea of laughing at difference using their phones! Jim comes up with the name “Slang-a-thang” and Vincent’s is the only voice of mild dissent (“I think we have to be very careful that we don’t insult people”), but they all hate him, so ignore him, whilst probably plotting to do a Vincent voice on slang-a-thang (like an effete Tony Tiger). “We’re going global” they all crow (what with regional accents?). Gavin also says he wouldn’t have chosen the app, but only to camera.

Evil Edna’s flip chart is looking relatively empty, mainly because everyone seems too scared to make a suggestion. Susan’s not going to be intimidated though “I’ve got an idea.. I think it’s a brilliant idea.. and er.. ok.. you’re me and i’m you and er ok…”. Whilst everyone’s eyes go into orbit she bravely soldiers on “Like, where do you think we are.. er…”. (Perhaps Susan has mistaken the word “app” for “map”?). Edna looks like she wants to squash Susan like a bug and suggests it sounds “too complicated”, but Susan’s indefatigable “You type the answer and it gives the question?”, but Edna’s had enough and won’t let her wibble on for another hour, so Susan goes into a teenage sulk (“It’s SO frustrating!”) and decides Edna is just an old hag jealous of her youthful vitality (sadly nobody is dumb enough to join in her ageist bitch fest later; Melody in particular doesn’t want to get involved – boring!) . Nobody else has any ideas, until Felicity’s recce group returns and she suggests an application of noises to annoy people. Everyone turns to the strange hairless social media technician boy who’s been sitting in on the brainstorming, and as soon as he Y-chromosome approves it (“It’s very feasible”) they all agree it’s the best (only) idea they have. Natasha has some valuable input by suggesting a completely shit name (“Ampi App” – it sounds strangely remedial)

The boys press-gang a bloke on the street to be the “face of Slang a tang” and photo him in front of a flip chart, the idea being, for each accent that emanates from the app, his poor face will be topped with a different stereotyping hat. Glenn, Jim, Vincent and Alex then get busy doing outrageous accents, with Vincent getting slapped down any time he dares to mutter anything like “that’s a bit stereotypical”. Alex contributes a Welsh farmer voice and Jim does a rubbish scouse (“Eh? Mate? Ow’s your wife an my kids?”) – Gavin will be impressed. Poor Nick Hewitt just doesn’t get it. “It’s bland and meaningless to me unless I’m missing something.. Maybe I’m too old.. I’m very perplexed” he sighs. No Nick, you’re just not a shallow tosspot.

Cut to the girls and they’re having a massive bitchfight! Bah it’s just being recorded by a long suffering soundman for “Ampi-app”. Along with whining and screeching and other normal girl noises they also record animal sounds (Melody does a mean retarded cat). Susan’s not convinced (“I think we could be heading for a blooming disaster”).

It’s time to write a punchy description for the app. I’m learning so much in tonight’s show. I’ve never even seen a fucking app. I can probably get down wid da yoot now.

Jim writes a pun laden missive (“Slang a tang gives you the app ortunity to listen to hilarious local folk from around the world”). Meanwhile Felicity pens a dull “does what it says on the tin” actual product description.

Helen, high on her power hairspray, dares to challenge Edna’s authority by nominating Melody to pitch to the evening shebang at Earls Court erm app-exhibition thing (“She works in the youth sector”), but Edna Business Psychology senses warn her to brutally jackboot to death any sign of insurrection (“I’ve looked at your strengths and your limitations in my opinion and decided I will do the pitch. Any questions? Any queries? No? OK good”).

Still the idea of even pitching Ampi Apps to three online mags is starting to look daunting to Venture, as most of the team worry about how random and unconnected the noises are, but Felicity urges them to present the randomness as a positive.

On the way to the techie mag pitches, the boys are cheered to learn they already have 50 downloads. This should be a cinch.

It doesn’t start so well with Leon’s pitch. “Have you thought about marketing?” asks techie mag journo. “Um we were hoping you could facilitate us with that.” Pause. “I see.”. Silence.

Mind you Melody could have done the research, managing to insult her first online mag by telling them they get 37,000 hits a month (“Actually it’s 1.7 million. That’s a big difference”). The randomness factor is picked up on too. “Is that the picture of an elephant and the sound of a dog?”, “Er yes. It’s meant to be like that. We are in fact crazy.” “Do you have the sound of an elephant?” “Er no”. Natasha gets all inspired and structuralist: “The elephant is meant to symbolise noise!” I like that the elephant is becoming the girl’s elephant in the room.

It’s Vincent’s turn to pitch next (“I’m gonna go in and give them my usual … charismatic attitude”) and blimey it’s a shocker. Vincent’s desperation to impress people with his cool makes him the least cool person on the planet and he stumbles through his pitch (literally knocking into the visual display), stringing together nervous coughs meaningless soundbites that Edward left behind in the voice of a paedophile geography teacher until he totally dries up and Jim (of course) barges in to rescue the pitch with sentences and facts. Even Nick notes there’s something a bit too good to be true about Jim (“He always takes charge when things go wrong”).

Outside Vincent is all giggly and embarrassed: “I couldn’t think of the word.. Jim went in.. he went BANG!” (there you go with the Irish stereotypes). “Was it OK?” he asks nervously, but everyone sees something really interesting on the floor rather than respond.

The teams then go somewhere where da kidz hang out to market their apps. The boys go to town dressing as the cast of Mind Your Language, with Glenn the ringleader, encouraging the punters to roll up roll up (“If you can’t ride it, park it!” – eh?) like Suggs doing another advertising voiceover.

The girls waste this opportunity to make a visual impact. Nobody even thinks of dressing up like an elephant.

Jim pitches to the biggest online magazine, but is disappointed by their square attitude towards stereotyping, claiming that Logic were deliberately “sensitive” with their content and that “stereotypes can be positive”. When challenged on the Australian hat, he blankly says “that helps illustrate he is an Aussie” (in a way that the accent alone, a crocodile on his head or skin cancer can’t), but it’s clear that the mag-men remain unmoved in their politically correct stance. That doesn’t stop Jim hi-fving the team outside (“Oh that bit about stereotyping.. that was just them making sure we were comfortable with what we were trying to achieve”).

As Venture make their way to Earls Court, Melody tries to be “positive”: “The pitch is only as good as the product”. They all look haunted.

They fill time by checking if they have any mentions on the online mags. Slang-a-tang gets “app of the day” on two and there is much rejoicing from Logic. Then “Ampi App” gets the accolade from the big “kick stereotyping out of apps” mag.

Edna’s pitch is terrifyingly awful. Dressed in dominatrix gloves like some Nazi baddy from an Indiana Jones film she delivers empty patronising platitudes in a sing-song voice and everyone in the room shuffles around worried that they’re somehow meant to be finding this all fascinating. Damningly she fails to give any information about the app or how to access it, but at least she’s given us as much insight as we need regarding Edna.

The boys split the pitch with Gavin being sensible and Alex playing it for laughs as a Welsh gumby. Glenn does a great job of bribing the audience with free doughnuts for the first 50 people to download the app there and then (having explained how to do so) and Logic lap up the applause.

Edna waltzes back stage like she’s Grace Jones, wearing the biggest shit eating grin possible. “I think we were all thinking we might just have been thrashed” sighs Melody, voicing everyone else’s thoughts, and Edna’s grin freezes dramatically.

So it’s back to the boardroom, and LordAlan plays along with Logic’s furious backslapping orgy, even giving kudos for the fact that Leon planned in ways to make money out of the app by selling updates. However he points out that the girls won app of the week in the big magazine. “We were confused about that – we didn’t know why” whines Vincent, looking a little lost. Jim’s adamant that Slang-a-tang is not as offensive as the sound of Ampi App (although that is kind of the point of Ampi App too).

The girls show slightly less faith in their product, with 5 of them admitting they were not happy with it (Edna “That’s the first I’ve heard – it’s quite shocking”).

Those crazy Apprentice editors mix it up by giving the download scores after only 6 hours first, and the boys then had a storming lead with 3000 compared to Venture’s 1000. Of course when the overnight global figures are included (or as Karen put it “the world woke up”) the effect of millions of children with trendy phones and the rather localised appeal of Slang-a-tang conspire to make the boys taste an enormous fail. Overnight they only got an extra 951 downloads whereas the girls got 10667. “How strange folk can be” muses Lord Sugar.

The girls get to dine chez Michael Roux Jnr and are spoiled silly with kisses and blueberry soufflé in probably the most envy-inducing Apprentice team prize I’ve ever seen. Meanwhile the boys are spoiled with mugs of coffee and vitriol in the Bridge Café. Alex has already started blaming Leon, who rather haplessly sits there meekly pleading “was anyone not pulling their weight?”

Back in the boardroom, Tom thinks failing to impress the big magazine was a key factor, and blames Jim, whose shackles are up (“I personally delivered and fielded difficult questions”). Lord Alan warns them not to assume it’s because of the website, and Tom gets brave (“I know it’s a very dangerous game to disagree with you”) by claiming the bloke at the magazine had it in for them. It’s all a red herring though, and Gavin’s the first to suss (“We should have considered in hindsight that it wasn’t a global app”).

Lord Sugar’s other point of contention is Jim’s smartarse wording for the app description, as opposed to Felicity’s more immediate information. Jim admits to drafting the words “in it’s entirety” but blames everyone else for saying he’d hit the nail on the head with it, especially his project manager.

Alex leaps in to point out what a valid contribution he made (not anybody can pretend to be Welsh badly) and attack Jim for his ad wording (“You had the final say on it” – er no). There’s no way Jim’s losing to this oik and he comes out fighting “You clapped your hands as much as anyone else.. its not about being a passenger.. “. Alex goes all sneery and petulant “You might have saved a pitch, but you saved a small pitch… you didn’t get the big one did you?”, only for Jim to deliver the coup de grace (“Your contribution is Nada”).

Leon decides to bring in Alex and Jim. Until Jim does his Jedi Mind Trick and tells Leon straight out that he’s wrong and he can change his decision. Which Leon does, picking Glenn. Holy fuck! Smelling a massive fish, Glenn decides to play a bout of team leader tennis, suggesting that Leon is wrong again (Glenn: “What do you think Jim?”). Brilliant. Leon is a bunny in the headlights until LordAlan warns him to cut the crap and he sticks with his latest two choices. Weak.

Both Glenn and Alex understandably lay into Leon for his poor decision making (no shit!). “Does the PM have to make the final decision?” reasons Leon (er yes). “Can’t it be a majority decision?” He’ll be bringing in AV next.

Alex continues to shout and over-react his way into trouble, telling Leon “You should have had the guts to stand up to Jim!” Leon regains some composure and points out he’s got way more experience than Alex, who is a bit useless (“I guarantee you’re not going to make it to the final”). “I’m only guilty of not demonstrating what I can do!” retorts Alex. “Right” says Lord Sugar. Oh dear. Alex completes his lovely deep hole by telling Lord Sugar what to do (“Make me project manager next week.. you fire him now because he’s failed”. So it’s not really a surprise when Alex is fired.

Leon’s card is, however, marked for having already been in the boardroom twice (“there won’t be a third chance”), although Sugar is obviously impressed by Leon’s previous business record (given Leon’s inability to assert himself I am frankly astonished at it). Glenn’s also marked out as a concern for being a “technical man” (eh?) – which usually means no business skills.

Alex is predictably bitter about Leon’s weakness in the boardroom as he bounces home in the taxi of rejects. Equally predictably he doesn’t take the opportunity to say anything about what he could have done. Div.

Back at the house and Leon tries to spin events (“I had to quickly switch tactics”), but Glenn has his number (“You bottled it mate, I’ll tell you that for free”). Jim merely sits back and gives the tiniest of winks. Oh my god – he IS Satan!

Next week it’s the buying task and the teams mix up. And there’s only one episode. On Wednesday. I’ve enjoyed the last two nights – but thank fuck!

Liking: Tom, Gavin

Warming to: Glenn, Felicity, Natasha, Leon

A little disappointed by: Susan

They mean nothing to me: Helen, Zoe, Ellie

Almost feeling sorry for: Vincent

Frightened by: Jim

Still needs a slap: Melody

But needs a bigger slap (with elbow length gauntlets): Edna

Adios: Alex, Edward

Disappointment of the week. The opening credits montage of firings. There’s nothing along the lines of “You’re a lightweight” – just “I don’t think I can go into business with you” – unless that’s because the candidate being dismissed is a former war criminal I’m not impressed.

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