First published 18th January 2009 on

The housemates are given instruments to write a Song For Big Brother For (probably not “My lovely house”) and Ben displays a modicum of musical talent which clearly pisses everyone else off. Later he takes the guitar and pens the following ditty about our favourite woolly Glaswegian (appropriately given the sheer amount of ikky back hair he has on display today):

“Oh Tommy
You’re so hairy
Don’t need a jumper
You’re wearing a sweater”

OK the last two lines go a bit Alanis Morisette, but he tops it off nicely:

“You like Michelle
You ain’t gonna get her
When she looks at me
She’s never been wetter”

Which not only makes me giggle childishly but is also exactly the right way to deal with all the BenChelle rumour-mongering in the house. Except with Latoya who doesn’t appear to have a grasp on irony (fair enough she is a yank AND a Jackson) and she stares significantly at Ben as though this is proof that her spidey sense has been correctly tingling.

LaToya’s been following her psycho’s intuition a lot recently, and carefully selecting confidentes to initiate into her ga-ga sisterhood through breathlessly girly whispered insinuations wrapped up as good old fashioned “a woman knows these things” common sense. Now she’s totally put the knife in with Michelle so that any time she cries it’s regarded with suspicion and annoyance by the blokes, she moves onto deconstructing Coolio, asking Verne if when he knew our favourite pineapple headed shouty rapper on the outside world that he swore so much and did “pimps and hos” talk, because underneath Coolio’s facade she’s convinced there’s a kind sweet gentle man.

She could have a point as Coolio’s been showing his “sensitive side”, confiding in the Diary Room that he’s been “QUIET COOLIO” the last few days by turning the decibels down from 11 to 10.5. Michelle even thanks him for being lovely the last few days (Terry: “He’s like sweet daddy Jesus today”) and at first he looks all soppy and pleased but can’t resist doing a sleazy “hey baby” voice and husking “Ah appreciate you too baby” in the rapiest manner possible. That’s not to accuse Coolio of being a “rape artist” which apparently the Star did recently (anyone else put that down to a significantly dropped “e” and a hack eager for controversial copy?). He oozes over to Ulrika next growling sweet (pervy) nothings into her shell-like, but she primly reprimands him (“Don’t look at me with those bedroom eyes”).

I’m feeling sorry for Ulrika again, as Tommy’s clearly been influenced by LaToya’s whispering campaign into absolutely despising the stroppy swede and giving her his mental stare at any possible occasion. Yet again she’s tried to encourage everyone to pull their socks up to pass the test, but Tommy’s a stubborn man (Ulrika correctly selects then dismisses the word “defiant” when describing him in the Diary Room) and is not having a woman tell him what to do. Especially one tainted by the soapy love juice of an England national football team manager. So Tommy jogs insanely round the garden (Terry: “Stop sweating near our ashtray”), resisting all attempts to include him (“Pish! I’ll come in and sort it oot”) and hides out in the bathroom whilst everyone does the hard work. It gets up Verne’s nose as well and they both mention it to Coolio who jumps to his testesterone buddy’s defence (“He can do a speech at the end”) before running out and telling him that Big Brother has said that all housemates must take part. Clearly by the time Tommy joins the rehearsals, Ulrika’s a bit stressed and snaps at Terry for getting in her way during her rap, leading to more evils from Tommy (looking very Spinal Tap in his blonde wig) and Terry rather more understandably discussing why she doesn’t like him in the ashtray later. After all that though it’s Terry who springs to her defence when everyone else bitches about her later (Tommy leading the chance with a rather over-emphatic “She’s a fucking pain in the arse” to anyone who will listen) saying she’s an attractive, intelligent woman and probably used to being the centre of attention. “She fucking nearly assaulted you!” spits Tommy, all braveheart in his sweary, shouty condemnation of a woman behind her back.

The song sounds crap, but the lyrics are amusing and there’s a catchy-ish chorus (“Feel free to kick us down”). Tommy manages to fuck up the timing so Verne comes in late too (“Vote for me or I’ll kick your ass”), so amusingly whilst Tommy slags Ulrika in the domain of bloke (the lounge), Ulrika and Benchelle mock him soundly in the luxury bedroom. LaToya hovers somewhere in between; waiting, listening.

Liking: Terry, Verne
Fearing: LaToya
Mixture of love and annoyance: Coolio, Ulrika
Meh: BenChelle
Starting to dislike again: Tommy