First published 13th January 2009 on

Finally it’s time for me to recap Day 11 – having run a comedy gig last night and then having thought that going to bed at 6am was somehow a fantastic idea.

Monday was nominations day and Ben’s up first. Surely he will use the opportunity to nom Coolio for being a twat to his girlf I mean friend.

Oh no. He picks Tina quite reasonably because she gets aggressive if people don’t agree with her and he sees his choice as potential “volume control”, and his second choice is Mutya for being unhappy and because he knew her vaguely before they entered the house and knows no more about her now.

Coolio’s nominations:
Ulrika cos he’s heard Terry suggesting she’s a bit up herself and “she can take her superior ass home”.
Michelle cos Coolio is a bit of a sexist twat and she’s fit (although not his “type” – yeah sure Coolio) which might distract him when he’s got a ho back home.

La Toya whispers she’s picked Ulrika because she seems unhappy. When Big Brother suggest this isn’t a good enough reason rather wonderfully she overly ups the ante – blurting out that our miserable Swede has “hatred” “in her face”. Excellent. She also picks Mutya cos she seems to be going through the motions. As we cut to Mutya wafting around in the dressing gown she appears to be morphing into like a tragic diabetic teenager in a sugar coma, I can’t help thinking La Toya’s got a point. Back in the bedroom La Toya does her coded whispering to Verne claiming she knows who’s nominated who by watching their eyes. She seems to think she’ll be up – whereas Verne reckons she’ll be ok) but possibly she’s just been freaking everyone out by staring Sphinx like at them as they leave the Diary Room – so they all look shifty.

Meanwhile in the lounge Tina’s shrieking that she’s “dreadin'” nominatin’. Like fuck you are you tubby Chucky clone.

Michelle unsuprisingly picks Coolio for making her “time in the house less enjoyable” because she has to be really careful to not make it look like she fancies Ben by er hanging out with him and giggling insanely at any mild witticism that passes his lips or copying his reasons to nominate. She also picks Tina because she gets aggressive if people disagree with her. Oh.

Mutya picks Tommy for being Scottish and having a crap laugh (“Even if one of my friends had the same laugh I would tell them to shut up”) and Verne for BEING A FREAK!!!!! (“I don’t feel comfortable with him” – come on Verne buck your ideas up and start growing you selfish dwarfmo).

Terry picks Michelle cos he thinks she’ll nominate Coolio and Coolio’s his top comedy showbiz gangsta mate who he wants to stay in the house so he can get cheap laughs at his amusing woman harrassing antics. And also because it is “a game”.  He also picks “Ulrikaka” (after saying he wouldn’t – ooh you little liar Tel!) cos she doesn’t like him. Annoyingly he’s picked up Tina’s habit of saying “she protested too much”.

Tina picks Michelle for being skinny and pretty (“she’s obsessed with how she looks”, “she’s always prancing round in a towel” – hmmm I don’t think Michelle is the obsessed one Tina) and Ben for being good looking with no personality (Tina might not be as beautiful but at least she’s got a “personality”. A really shit one.). and for being a mean first date (“watching whether his date chose steak or fish fingers”. Lets face it with Tina she’d have both. As a starter.).

Tommy plumps for “Yule Reeka” (a range of Christmas scented candles?) cos she wouldn’t let him show her how to work a DVD (“She thought I was treating her like someone so stupid they didn’t know how to work a DVD” – hmmm haven’t you just suggested that people who can’t operate basic technogadgetery are “stupid” there Tommy? Or at least women?). He also picks Mutya for doing fuck all, as opposed to his scintilating non stop action.

Yule Reeka picks Ben for being “boring” and for “singing like a girl”. Damn fine reasons in my opinion. She also picks La Toya because she’s “on the periphery” (surprised not more housemates picked up on this) and appears to be terrified of Ulrika every time she tries to approach her. Lets face it – she’s a Jackson – she’s probably terrified of everyone. That fear in her eyes isn’t just for you Ulrika, it’s a constant inner “Please don’t hit me!” that La Toya can’t help projecting.

Verne picks Ulrika for having been a swotty head girl during the “Endless love” preparation (that seems unfair, I thought she was trying to be inclusive and ensure they both did well, but I guess Ulrika can rub people up the wrong way and appear controlling – and a control freak with no real control is just a freak.). He gets all huffy when Big Brother ask him to clarify and grumpily (oops sorry!) repeats himself. He also picks Tina for not letting a word in edgeways, making everything about herself and thinking “she’s more attractive” (guess Verne hasn’t picked up on the desperate gaping abyss of Tina’s self loathing).

So we have a four-way (missus) between Ulrika, Michelle, Mutya and TINA MALONE. Which considering the rest of the episode and the fact the women seem to feel fine talking amongst themselves about what a cunt they think Coolio is, is quite surprising and disappointing (Tina losing to Coolio would have been a dream).

Terry, Verne, Coolio and Benchelle demand to have some more booze in the diary room (Coolio: “We’re alcoholics and we’re having the shakes!”). “I would like some stimulation” Michelle confesses to Verne’s amusement, and she attempts to cover up her Freudian slit by claiming (rather prissily and to everyone elses disgust) that she meant something like “a board game” (“they’re not going to give us booze anyway). Coolio’s not best pleased by her idea in case Big Brother take her seriously, and playfully tells Ben to sort his girlfriend out. Ben shrugs and twitches – a picture of English ineffectuality (imagine Rob Newman’s excellent impersonation of flopsy shoegazer Mark from 80s indie outfit Ride flailing about uselessly and you’re not far off) and Michelle tells Coolio to shut up and stop it, but now he’s enjoying himself and just can’t seem to help winding her up more and more until she storms out of the Diary Room in tears (Terry: “Now look what you’ve done”). Ben weakly suggests that Coolio apologises and looks like he’s going to run away immediately afterwards as Coolio makes his “huh” face and flies off into an irritating gangsta tantrum ending every incomprehensible sentence with the word “cuz” – more shitarse than badass. Verne sits on the sidelines (where else can he go) and takes the piss. La Toya tries to get Coolio to stop whilst still gently stirring (“I’m not saying you’re wrong”) – oh dear poor old Michelle’s arrival in Dumpsville is looking likelier by the minute and it’s nothing to do with what Coolio says.

I can’t help feeling that a) Michelle is being WAY too overdramatic as she weeps and snots up and threatens to go home and that b) If anything is going to put a bloke off you it’s a woman looking like a puffy face PMT mental on national TV drivelling on about how much she loves him and how she’s that insecure about his trust in her and has that little faith in his intelligence that he will be in the least bothered by the pigtail-pulling antics of a 50 year old rapper with ADHD. Mind you Coolio doesn’t help matters – pomping around doing his “I just crapped myself” crip walk and bellowing “YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME” at a crying woman, whilst Terry starts channelling a lib dem vicar trying to mediate without daring to offend anyone (“What Coolio MEANT to say is he’s feeling bad that he upset you” etc). Coolio reminds me a lot of Ricky Gervais – he abhors a vacuum and simply HAS to fill any silence with bullshit and noise – and most of the time it’s amusing (watch the extra on Ricky Gervais’s Politics DVD where he harrasses his lovely warm-up act Robin Ince – Ricky even makes the same squarky noise Coolio does when things get too quiet for his liking). Terry’s right when he tells Michelle that her tears and response are “playing into Coolio’s hands” and she should “laugh in his face”, but then again it’s difficult to do that when things have gotten to the point where someone’s in tears (and you get the feeling that in the past when Michelle’s cried she’s gotten her own way out of it – not had a big bloke sulking around the house yelling “I’m only telling the troof!” and “This is MAH house!”) – and even if Michelle is over-reacting – if someone makes it clear they want someone to stop a certain behaviour and it continues nowadays you could call that “harrassment” and you’d have a case. WIth this in mind Big Brother call Coolio to the Diary Room to try and qwell a potential “bullying” shitstorm. Needless to say he hardly seems to hear their gentle words of warning and points out (correctly from his POV) that he hasn’t been intimidating or abusive (just a dick)).

Sadly the best thing for the situation could be Michelle being voted out, but it might only encourage Coolio to be more cunty. Clearly Michelle’s expecting everyone else to have seen sense and nominated him – looking forward to seeing her face tonight when she realises her dream of a “Coolio free zone” for now is only a dream.

Liking: Terry, Coolio (I can’t help it), Verne
Likeable side of loony: La Toya
Kind of feeling sorry for: Ulrika
Um er: Tommy, Mutya, Ben
Annoyed by: Michelle
Pantomime hatred and disgust for: Pigsy Malone