First published 12th January 2009 on

Day 10 and Terry tries to make amends with Ulrika (“You got a bit of a cob on with me?”) but his cheeky Northern manner is cutting no ice, and Ulrika lays into him for criticising her when she was only trying to help everyone pass the aerobics task (“If that’s high handed then I’m high handed”) – managing to come across a little um high handed. Terry doesn’t help matters by admitting that he gets “a vibe” that she thinks she’s better than everyone else. What is this about really? Repressed lust? Class war? Or (most likely) Terry’s peeved that Ulrika’s negotiated the highest fee out of all the clebs? Big Brother cruelly edit what is probably a frustrated throwaway joke from Ulrika into her apparently saying that she IS better than everyone else. Oooh! (Handbag!). Later in the Diary Room, Terry expresses himself rather better. He’s upset for having upset Ulrika and points out that they’re alike in that they’re both “sarcastic, opinionated, misunderstood” (he laughs, hamming it up) and “missing our kids”. Shame he can’t just say that to Ulrika, as it could have thwarted a grade 10 Scandinavian sulk that casts a shadow over the first half of tonight’s show – and protected my eyes from the sight of Tina (scenting some shit to stir) comforting Ulrika by sitting on her bed and chewing her own toenails. Ugh!

Coolio’s loving the tension in the house and provides his own form of comfort to Terry by rubbing in how much he’s annoyed Ulrika (“She’s hot like MERCURY! You made an enemy” etc.

Whilst Ulrika skulks around the garden over-obviously avoiding Terry, Tina holds forth on yet another specialist subject, the internet. Whilst I have to agree with her on the using facebook to amass and communicate  with friends issue (“What’s wrong with the phone?”). Obviously that’s cos, like Coolio I have loads of top quality celeb chums. 😉 She also says the internet is still primarily used for porn. That depends on the user I guess 😉 Coolio has to leap in and boast childishly about the loads of women who send him nudie pictures via his Myspace ( Bless his heart that he just assumes that they’re all actually women. Ben gently reminds Tina that he met his last three girlfriends via facebook, prompting an “I’m not going to be rude to you” followed by a typically rude response from Tina.

Today’s task involes the yank contingent being tutored in all things Brit by the other housemates before answering a series of questions. To aid this shitizen test, Verne is dressed up like a little Beefeater, La Toya as a “Welsh” doll and Coolio gets to sport a rather natty kilt like Samuel L Jackson in “the 51st state” (he confides later in the Diary Room that he’s overjoyed to have finally grown big enough balls to wear one). Whilst Verne is taken through the nuances of Cockney rhyming slang (no “Canary Wharf” sadly) by Tommy and Ulrika (two none English housemates – nice move) and Mutya mumbles the “Queen’s English” to Coolio, Tina takes La Toya aside to privately patronise her with the scouse version of UK history. Geniusly the Americans are ushered through to partake of a traditional English roast turkey dinner accompanied by the traditional musical waxings of George Formby (Verne: “This sounds like country music”) and the Brits squeeze into shiny suits with electro shock pads, in the knowledge that they’ll recieve a shock for every question Coolio, Verne and La Toya get wrong. Why not give them orange jumpsuits and really make this Guantanamo Bay? Coolio’s team do pretty well considering, although fantastically La Toya manages to “fucker” up the “I’m not a pheasant plucker” tongue twister (Verne manages “Freshly fried frying fish” albeit in a bizarre mini Dick Van Dyke accent). Every shock of the disappointing few the housemates recieve is a joy – with Mutya managing to fly off the sofa gorgeously for each (whereas Tommy merely raises a leg like my dad farting in his sleep). “I’m gonna piss all over the floor!” screeches Tina charmingly by the third shock, afterwards adding “It’s not funny”. I’ll think you’ll find it is. The twitching housemates are finally informed they’ve passed and have won three tokens, but whoever’s manning the shock button can’t resist a final blast. Let’s face it – most of us would have just shocked the housemates randomly whatever answers were given.

The none story of the show rumbles on, with La Toya having used her time with Tina to speculate about two housemates she feels are definitely “falling in love”. Sadly it’s not Terry and Ulrika she’s talking about but BenChelle, but Tina’s quick to scent a chance to agitate the plop again – even kindly mentioning the fact that Michelle has had a relationship end because she was unfaithful in the past (“She shits herself cos she’s been caught out”). Later Tina approaches Ulrika with the exact same storyline (“just between us” hmmmm), adding that Michelle “protests too much” so she can look like a proper Shakespeare quoting actress and not like a malignant Jabba the Cunt, and the gossip AIDS spreads when she brings it up with an amused Terry in the ashtray. Of course it’s only Coolio who gets shit, because he just brazenly takes the piss out of Michelle and Ben (“If this was the American show at least TWO people would have shagged by now” – (probably six at the same time)). Ben moans in the Diary Room about how much Coolio’s non-stop innuendo is pissing him off and how he definitely doesn’t find Michelle attractive until I’m pleading with the screen “oh just shut the fuck up or tell Coolio that you’ve already had bum sex for Christs sake!”

Terry sums up why Coolio is attention seeking out of sheer boredom by pointing out that in the US show everyone would be mutually masturbating in a jacuzzi whilst swigging champagne and snorting coke off Verne’s head, but he’s come here to two cans of lager and everyone in bed by 10pm. On edited queue, Coolio emerges from a crap rap session (“I was born a poet” – and then someone beat it out of him) in the Diary Room to an empty living room. “I’m all alone again” he whines gruffly yet plaintively whilst searching for a surface to polish. Awww!

Liking lots: Coolio, Verne, Terry (who is currently explaining the off side rule patiently to a very baffled Coolio – tops!)
Liking: La Toya, Mutya
Confused by, but still liking: For the Hell of it: Ulrika
Warming to (apprehensively): Tommy (cos on the live show just now he was discussing David Hume and Adam Smith – bet that’s not going on the highlights!)
Bored by: BenChelle
Fukkhin Disghusted by: Tina