First published 11th January 2009 on

Confusingly Coolio still seems to be sleeping in the luxury bedroom and Mutya’s still surrounded by “hairy arse fellas” the next day, almost as though anything none irritating that Coolio does isn’t allowed to stand. Today it looks like the house have sussed him when Mutya and the rest manage to chat happily amongst themselves about groupies whilst blithely disregarding everything an increasingly frustrated Coolio tries to shout over them. Sadly they all choose not to learn from this magic moment and split into groups to bitch about Coolio, with Verne (“he’s just pushing buttons”), Mutya and Terry (“He’s had a lot of pain and betrayal in his life”) being the voices of reason and compassion, and La Toya (“I’m learning a lot from Coolio, especially new words”) the voice of a space cadet.

For the task the housemates have to do 80s style porno aerobics to that depressing Eric Prydz toon “Call on me”. Firstly they get to watch the video, with Coolio raising his eyebrows above his pipecleaner hair at the first point one of the workout lovelies shows off her kidneys to camera. Ulrika is made coreographer by Big Brother thanks to her back ache (which she’s already established in conversation with Veren is just the same as being disabled). Tina’s miffed “I could have been coreographer” she strops, knowing that she’d have been far more accomplished at sitting on her arse barking orders. Considering we later find that Verne’s constantly on painkillers because of his condition (he answers Tommy’s questions about dwarfism and gives us all a handy “Midget spotting” crash course) it seems unfair that he has to do the full task. They all much in gamely apart from Coolio who winds Ben and Michelle up from the sidelines by accusing Ben of staring at Michelle’s arse (everyone is staring at Michelle’s arse, and Ben doesn’t exactly deny it (“I’m er checking out…the routine)), and Tommy who’d rather be playing football (Ulrika suspects he may have “trouble hearing a beat” – the nicest euphemism for a retard I’ve heard for ages). Rather sweetly Verne (who spends a lot of the rehearsals lying by himself in the middle of the room whilst everyone is off crying or sulking – looking a bit like Stuey out of Family Guy) offers to tell Coolio that he “was looking at Michelle’s ass”. Ben’s aware of what a wimp he’s coming across as by not telling Coolio where to go “I feel like the most boring person to have ever graced the Big Brother screen” he says ever so slightly needily. The group make a game effort at the task (although Coolio appears to strain a muscle towards the end, curling up with a pained expression), and pass. Winning three tokens.

Within five minutes apparently it’s down to two tokens and sadly Terry’s the culprit. He’s lost his temper a tad (as far as Terry can – so he still seems mellow compared to anyone else) with Ulrika being all head girl-ish and miserable during the task, and confides (foolishly) to Tina at the ashtray that he sometimes feels that Ulrika acts like she’s better than everyone else and that he thinks she’s moderated her behaviour in order to get nominated – therefore he definitely won’t be manipulated into nominating her. He does seem a bit obsessed by Ulrika’s fee (in fact wasn’t it Terry who suggested Lucy left first as she was paid the least?). Tina doesn’t exactly leap to her grate celebrity mate Ulrika’s defence, preferring to make it all about herself. “I could nominate five people now” she declares triumphantly. “I couldn’t get five” says Terry. “I could” smugs Tina, “and they’d be the same five you’d have!”. Despite the latter clearly also being a statement that Tina would not nominate Ulrika, it’s Terry who’s hauled into the Diary Room and fined one token for breaking the rules by discussing nominations. He comes clean to the house, but of course it only makes things even worse with Ulrika (who’s relationship with Terry is starting to look like a bad rom com).

It looks like Tina’s gotten away with it as she “comforts” Ulrika in the bedroom (“I said ‘I think she’s great'” – ooh you lying cow!). “I don’t repeat anything – you can tell me what you want” weedles Tina unconvincingly. “I think he fancies me” Ulrika ponders, hastily adding an “only joking!”. Ulrika seems to have totally sussed out that they have a personality clash, and should just settle at that, but of course has to pick away at her wounded pride. Meanwhile Terry’s hoping outside that Ulrika’s not still upset about him nominating her for an “inflated ego” which he’s already explained was totally manipulated by Big Brother. Back in the bedroom (nice edit!) Ulrika’s moaning on that Terry’s always had it in for her – recalling the “ego” nomination. Oh FFS! Tina feels she hasn’t said enough so starts digging herself a hole “I said I could name five people to nominate – but you’re not one of them.” All together now – D’OH!!!!!!!!!

Tina’s promptly called to the Diary Room, where she’s still complaining that she hasn’t discussed nominations, even after Big Brother repeat the relevant phrases back to her. She tries the Terry approach of honestly facing the music about why she’s lost them another token,. but of course fails (“I didn’t mention any names! On my father’s grave I never mentioned a single name!”). Six foot under the surface of Merseyside Frank Malone is doing somersaults.

Liking most: Verne, Coolio, Terry
Liking a little: Ben, Mutya, Ulrika (someone has to), La Toya
Not really warming to: Michelle, Tommy
Loathing: Tina Malone