First published 10th January 2009 on

It’s Day 8’s highlights – so clearly I’ve gotten confused somewhere. Big Brother have sneakily taken all the food from the house, so housemates have to survive on a packed lunch (or kill and eat Tina Malone in a ‘Lord of the Flies’ mix of extreme violence and desperation. It falls to Ulrika to deliver the shopping list (based on £1 per head) where she’s rather optimistically asked for two hot water tokens (which cruelly have been increased to £25 each). When Big Brother points out that this is nigh impossible, she goes all “gzzzt gzzzt does not compute” and swops a token for a Big Brother Surprise Special Prize, leaving them with no tokens. From the other housemates reactions, she may as well have come back with some “magic beans”.

Tina’s not being selfish but she can’t drink tea coffee or booze and she can’t eat turkey or rice – cos she looks like a woman who’s careful about what goes into her mouth (certainly not about what comes out). She’s happy if all she gets is cornflakes and toast – and hot water. Oops. This gives her a chance to whinge to Terry about Ulrika’s evil selfish ways (“I only wanted hot water”).

Poor old Mutya seems to be having what a very unreconstructed male friend of mine calls a “blob strop”, and is down about the lack of hot chocolate and munchies – plus the fact she can’t enter the Diary Room when she wants to, only when Big Brother calls her. I actually feel for her, and she’s not too over-emotional about feeling like shit. Of course Tina tries to jump on the “poor Mutya” train in order to try and manipulate the power balance in the house. Firstly she appears to be saying that she’s “due on” too. Hang on – I’m sure she was wibbling on about “still bleeding” during the week. Tina Malone IS permanent menstrual tension. Then when Terry’s Heaqd of House status is removed and he’s sent into the non luxury bed vacated by Lucy, Mutya happens to mention she isn’t keen on sharing with only blokes. Tina’s immediately on a mission to get someone to swop beds cos Mutya’s “Only a young girl” who doesn’t want to share with “hairy arsed men”. So why doesn’t Tina swop? She’d fit in OK. Anyhow she tries passively aggressivly guilting the housemates (“Anyone got any suggestions for this?”) until Coolio does the math (“Ben don’t wanna leave Michelle so I’ll leave Ben” – which earns him evils from poor Michelle) and swops with surprisingly little fuss (which annoys Tina no end! She was looking forward to making sure Coolio looked bad). Later in the Diary Room Tina volunteers Mutya (without her knowledge) for Head of House status, based on the fact she feels that she can influence Mutya during their ashtray bonding sessions (during which Mutya looks mostly bored), but to her chagrin, Big Brother inform her there is now no such vacancy. Amusingly, later Coolio suggests to camera that he be made Head of House, as it will make great TV, and starts informing the others how things would be under his “regime” (“No socialism, no democracy, no monarchy – just a DICK-tatorship!”).

Tina manages to get Lucy, Ulrika and Mutya together in the luxury bedroom so she can bitch about Coolio, who’s in the Diary Room like a big naive wuss bless him (“I never thought they would talk about me when I wasn’t there.. I thought they had more cojones!” After all, he’s only trying to “break the monotony” (and some of the housemates it seems) with his “spirited banter”. Back out he starts bossing around the “Women of the house!” to boil kettles to warm his shower up (?) and Tina (who’s been promising she’s going to lose it on Coolio and put him in his place for days now) runs out to the garden for “a ciggie, before I lose the plot.”

The eviction takes place, and Ulrika’s crying jag seems to start and end extremely quickly just before and after the announcement that Lucy will be leaving according to the edit. Maybe she was expecting to be evicted and hoping for sympathy from the booing crowds. Half an hour later she’s having a little sniffle in the kitchen and whilst everyone else figures she’d rather be alone of course Coolio goes over. And is rather sweet, offering her juice and trying to buoy her up “You beat a girl half your age so the GBP must like you..” He reassures her that she’ll be working for ages after this, doing an amusing impersonation of her as a wisened hunchback old granny doing the weather – which sends her semi flouncing away (she should be grateful that’s all Coolio knows she’s famous for, or he’d have been writhing around on the floor). Later in the diary room, Ulrika seems to be genuinely flaked out by being away from her family and thankful for the empathy her housemates showed her (“I’m not always good at taking that comfort..but I was grateful for every little pat on the shoulder”), claiming she’s surprised to still be there and yet is “hoping I’ll continue to be surprised.” All of which makes me more confused than ever about Ulrikakaka.

In other news Ben warms the cockles of women with drawers full of greying period knickers everywhere by claiming he doesn’t like women in sexy underwear and prefers them to be comfortable (to both Coolio and Michelle’s disbelief). Ben uses the analogy of a Christmas present “Does it matter if it’s wrapped in amazing paper or not?” (Michelle: “Er yes”). Ben treats his women like his xmas pressies – he likes to shake them, rip the wrapping off and then play with the box. You heard it here first.

Liking lots: Terry, Verne and (I can’t help it) Coolio
Liking: Mutya, Ben, Ulrika
Pitying: La Toya
Disliking: Tommy, Michelle
Loathing: Tina “Pigsy” Malone