First published 9th January 2009 on

It’s live eviction night so therefore Davina lets loose with the non comedy, singing “So Shreksy” in honour of Tina Mallone cos her finger is right on the pulse of the script that some assistant producer who trawls through the Sun’s Big Brother Forums has handed her (it must be the Sun – she got the crowd to boo Lucy for not getting her baps out – way to go Sistah!).

Highlights from the house include the Papparazzi team fresh from their failure to correctly Pap and spot Michael Barrymore (I hope he was being lowered towards the swimming pool) today have a near miss with anorexic ment fest Nikki Graham, who thankfully is not allowed to speak (screech) and is reduced to shaking her head sadly when Coolio pleads “Can’t you tell us your name?”, until Tina finally drags her gut out and stops bellowing “WHO IS IT?” enough to clock the photo Lucy took and correctly get the name of what Lucy terms “that little thin girl off Big Brother”.

Coolio’s on a self professed one man crusade to rob everyone of the will to live until they crawl gasping and blubbing out of the house, an aim that everyone with a sense of humour (Verne, Terry, Mutya even Ulrika) takes with a pinch of salt – but which sends Lucy scuttling sobbing to the lavvy after a mere 23.5 hours of mental torture and c-rap punctuated by Ricky Gervais style ear shrieking. Lightweight! Ulrika merely tuts round like a milfy nanny admonishing a wayward charge “Please give some consideration to people who are not as insane as you.” A sweetly worried La Toya uses strange Jacko eye twitching code to warn Coolio that almost everyone in the house apart from Terry wants him out, but he is blithely unconcerned and still determined to make the fakeahs quit, and goes off to playfully sexually harrasss (I mean chat up) the ladeez of the house with his smooth talkin lines (“I got my baby oil”, “Damn you smell good woman” “Bitch I’ll elbow you in the face” (according to Lucy hmmm) – making Michelle and Lucy cringe and Mutya giggle.

Tommy also seems oblivious to Coolio’s annoy-athon (he will crack though mark my words), instead focusing ridiculously on sounding gangsta in any interaction with the man. Trying to guilt trip a rap star out of bed by whining “That’s not mah home boy”  is really reaching for the ethnic vote Tom.

La Toya asks Ulrika about her kids, which leads to some confusion over who fathered which, bless. “Let me draw you a little tree” Ulrika laughs self deprecatingly. La Toya’s got her hands full trying to teach unreconstructed Glasgee man Tommy the ice skating routine for their part of the test. A fractious Tommy’s pretending not to take it seriously because he’s doing shit and hates having a woman tell him what to do. Even Coolio advises him wisely to follow La Toya rather than the couple on the demo dvd – as otherwise they will be out of synch. Of course Coolio has to follow up those sage words by loudly demonstrating exactly how HE would do the routine. During the routine everyone laughs and hoots as Tommy gurns, randomly slurs “Ohh baby baby” and wobbles in his pepper pot costume and salty La Toya tries her best to fit in around his moves and get it right. Tommy turns to her smugly as the end “See why I wasn’t taking rehearsals seriously?” he smirks nastily, proving that he’s been taking everything rather too seriously.

Verne’s in the Diary Room and I’m suppressing my “ahhhh” reflexes as he lies back – fitting perfectly into the chair like an egg in a cup. He’s sussed out the “Coolio thing…getting a rise out of everyone” but seems pretty relaxed on the whole, perhaps even over relaxed (“Sorry I farted.”).

The task is (almost surprisingly failed), although Verne & Ulrika and Benchelle (cruelly forced to act as a celebrity couple and “adopt” 7 screaming plastic babies (which they amusingly give names like “Table” and “Knife & Fork” the twins) – surely a task for Ulrika) pass; the Paps and cult of Chest Knee Hawk (a supremely unbovvered Terry and Mutya) fail – and Coolio blows his cool by buggering off to the ashtray for a sulky smoke. La Toya and Tommy, as the baldy yin failed to correctly complete any of his assigned steps in the routine. The arrogant tosspot has the grace to cough and stare blankly off into the distance.

Davina’s shrieking live into the house whilst Ulrika mysteriously blubs (perhaps truly scared of being booed by the GBP), but brightens up when Lucy is evicted. Even the boos are apathetic as the Tory titrack leaves the house, Davina capering around her like a hunchback with St Vitus dance as she pozes for the real paps. Davina moans that Lucy didn’t get nekkid, but Lucy has some good excuses (“I didn’t have hair straighteners” – wow maybe you should shave!) – also she hadn’t fake tanned. Davina gurgles smugly “She’s just like the rest of us!” Yes we’re all vapid bigots who have old men sploodging over our photos. Lucy didn’t like Ben or Coolio (surprise!) that much, liked Terry and admits Tina Mallone is a gobshite.

It’s so dull and backslurpy (and you just KNOW Davina will try to rip unto Ulrika cos she hates any woman she considers an intellectual challenge – which is most of us) we’re very quickly back to the house to hear a group convo about who Jack the Ripper was, with Tina trying and failing to look clever with a confused conspiracy story that is basically the plot of every shit Ripper film evah and  still whinging that a scouser was once accused. That must have been AFTER they figured out the victims had internal organs missing.

It’s nominations on Monday and I’m hoping it will be Coolio versus Tina Mallone – as I think we all know who will win that one – and sadly Tina has no idea that she’s much more annoying than Coolio – and he’s trying his best!

Liking: Terry, Verne, Coolio (yes he’s a nobbend but I think it’s all for Tina’s ‘benefit’), Ben, Ulrika, Mutya, La Toya (I know – how boring is this?!!)
Disliking: Tommy, Michelle
Just ignore her and she’ll go away – oh bugger she’s still there: Tina

Oh FFS of the day: “I nearly piss shit and vomited all at the same time” – Tina describes her last sexual experience (or something) – ugh anyway