First published 7th January 2009 on

Coolio apologises rather sweetly to a massively backtracking Michelle, who wasn’t crying at all, and if she was it wasn’t cos of Coolio (she’s got that right) and her boyfriend trusts her “100% without a doubt”. Coolio lets slip that Tommy gave him a stern talking to and made him feel all immature like a naughty homey. “Sometimes I wish I could cry” deadpans Coolio. He MUST be taking the piss.

Ulrika in the Diary Room expresses sympathy for that wilting wallflower Tina who is apparently being oppressed by Coolio’s loudness and vulgarity. Back in the bedroom, where Coolio’s breaking the ice by flirting shamelessly again, there’s the dulcet tones of the shrieking scouse shrek’ess: “English women need to be PISSED to FUCK!!!”  Lord, every day amongst those beastly men must be such a delicate struggle.

La Toya’s letting slip more juicy family secrets including the time the local Jehovah’s Witnesses forbade young Michael to talk to her non-believing sister until Marlon Brando told Michael “That’s your sister, forget the religion!” (how many “fuggin”s do you think she censored there?), and he promptly switched to a different Kingdom Hall so he could continue living a lie in the eyes of his god. Oh what japes there must have been being a Jackson. La Toya moves onto her philosophy of life, and the fact there MUST be life on other planets, whilst Tommy looks afraid, very afraid in an eyes glazing “Oh fuck I’ve never thought about this and I don’t want to now” stylee.

Thankfully we cut to Coolio loudly wowing everybody else with a time he sort of told Prince to go fuck himself. Go Coolio!

King Terry devises the perfect solution to going for ciggies without being carried by calling “Verne cabs” and clambering aboard the mobility scooter (“Mind the robes!”) whilst Verne drives (“Have you got your leg over yet?”, “I’ll make a royal pronouncement”). To be frank the whole programme could have consisted of Verne cabs and I’d be happy. Maybe Verne will get a role and an iconic business in Eastenders next. I’d tune in to watch him ferry mad slappers or doomed bad boys away to their final doom as the drum beats went.

Ben seems to be like a few boyfriend’s I’ve had – he’s dated women off facebook and likes women who order the cheapo stuff on the menu. Sadly Ben is also too nice and polite to moan when they take the piss and thus ended up on a date from hell where he spent nearly £200 on his date’s food – and – when it was clear she wasn’t going to pay – took her on to a bar until 3am. Hang on Ben, rewind there. If you thought she was taking the piss – you can only have taken her elsewhere cos you thought you were getting your end away. Brilliantly as soon as he ferried her back to his place she got all Yoko Ono and insisted they wrote a song together. I wonder if she’s still on his “friends” list. Lucy tuts and “oooh no”s through this, but we all know she’s either taking notes or thinking Ben had a cheap date.

Poor La Toya is given the most inappropriate job by a sarcastic sighing Big Brother of dressing up as a scary Jester with Austin Powers teeth and making King Terry laugh – and is told that if she succeeds the house will win a party (Eh? it’s bad enough asking a real comedian to tell a joke but this is mean). Fortunately he just cracks up warmly at the first sight of her, but it gets painful later when she tries to be a jive talkin jester (“You got two hos rubbin on you” etc etc) as he lazes around getting massaged by Ulrika and Lucy (“ten years ago it MIGHT have given me a lob on”). It’s almost a relief when Tina bursts in – having been set the task of bathing King Terry (along with Coolio and er Mutya I think – bloody freeview kept freezing up). Tina didn’t like the thought of La Toya muscling (or being forced to muscle) in on HER god given limelight, so organises bath time with the shouty efficiency of an Auschwitz shower attendant. Coolio’s just pissed off at being bossed around by Tina and takes it out on Terry’s back with the loofah (“I’m the royal scrubber!”). La Toya wonders off alone, a sad scary jester.

The house win the party regardless of which bloody task they actually pass and win their party, and it gets all deja vous whilst most of last night’s live bit is shown giving me time to have a bicker with the boyfriend. Terry tries to explain how his nominations actually worked, and at first Ulrika seems a bit funny, but all that matters is that Terry doesn’t give a shit and it looks as though Ulrika can’t either as she’s only in it for the cash (although she comes across as more brittle, cold and possibly bothered than Terry’s warmly unarsedness) – I’m impressed her agent managed to wrangle such a big fee for something she’s not really all that involved in.

Tommy however goes uber weird and becomes the subject of much more huddled whispering than Terry ever could in the house. When dancing with Michelle he makes an off-hand comment about it looking like they might be attracted and how they’d best be careful as they both have partners outside of the house. This is probably meant as a joke, but Tommy’s not great at comedy when he’s pissed. Michelle either doesn’t get or chooses not to get the joke, and unwilling to fess up to being unamusing, Tommy starts the most excruciating pissed up monologue ever. Anyone who’s ever been a teenage girl and had one of their dad’s drunken mates earnestly and slightly unnervingly slur “You’re such a great girl… b..but you’ve got to be careful in life…” etc etc at you will recognise Tommy’s speech. He’s like an inebriated Glaswegian Alan Partridge. I’ve only just stopped cringing. Ouch!

Anyhow… cancel the show now as the winners for me are: Terry, Verne, Coolio
Liking: Ben, Mutya, Ulrika (she’s even more confusing than I expected mind), La Toya
Meh: Michelle
Oh dear: Tommy
Ouch: Lucy
Arrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!: Tina

Quote of the Night:

“You shouldn’t find this humiliating if you were in A1” – Terry to Ben (is Terry after a job on Buzzcocks?)