First published 6th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Day 4 saw Ulrika and Tina continuously whinging over Coolio’s imperialist chicken marination. Bless Coolio, he does act like a big ignorant oaf – but what exactly is it stopping people telling him things to his face rather than moaning about him for hours in the bedroom in the dark, in case he gets medieval on their bitch asses or something?

La Toya’s giving a shellshocked Ben further revelations of a marriage straight out of the Waterstones “painful lives” section. It’s almost so hideous (enforced marriage, beatings, slavery etc – I mean fortunately ex-evil-hubby is dead as otherwise surely he’d have to be arrested on the back of this) that I end up laughing hysterically when she smilingly concludes this atrocity exhibition with the line “Anyhow that’s the answer to your question ‘have you ever been married?'”. La Toya does not do Yes/No answers, clearly.

But wait a minute, some people have had it really tough. Here’s Tina Mallone to remind us why her childhood makes “A child called it” look like “Little lord Fauntleroy”  as she confides in Ulrika that her family used to make her feel like a loud embarrassing loser, but fortunately she got over their traumatic realism by thinking “positively” (“I would argue with everyone”) and relying on her “intellect”.(“I wasn’t hit with the beauty stick”). But Tina hasn’t got low self esteem, despite the odds. She doesn’t envy “pretty women” at all cos she knows deep down that everyone wants to fuck her because she looks “dirty” (yes but not in THAT way Tina!). She only shuts up when Verne movingly describes Heath Ledger’s accidental death – although if she could claim to have accidentally shat herself to death after a senna OD, she would!

Coolio’s on a mission to wind the women up today, starting with asking them if they’d shag a man without money. When Lucy starts to say she would he elucidates (“I mean a broke muthafucka!”) and she admits she wouldn’t fuck “a bum”. Later he tests the air between Ben and Michelle, using an increasingly suggestive (OK facetious) series of questions to intimate whether romance would be on the cards with them (to be fair he admits that he is just a “shit starter”). Ben’s reassuringly blank to Coolio’s query of whether he has a girlfriend (“I think so.. I’m not sure…”) but Michelle’s a tad more adamant that she’s got a (probably insanely jealous) boyfriend out there thank you very much. Don’t know why Coolio’s making such an effort when all he needs to do is shuffle around rapping and marinating chicken and the womenfolk are “well I never”ing and tutting like old ladies watching someone with 11 items in their basket join the wrong queue in Tesco.

I still think Coolio redeems himself during the impressions task, when he and Verne hilariously pair up to take each other off. Coolio seems to be having the time of his life doing do-nuts in Verne’s mobility scooter, doing the Mini Me finger and shouting “I can do things for myself! I’m a grown man! Leave me alone!”. Verne’s just as good at swearing and holding court in a Coolio stylee, for example boasting about his kids “I got FIVE kids. Coolio Junior, So Cool Coolio, another one, er Coolio Orang Utan” (Channel 4 still trying to work out if that one’s racist or an amusing name involving a ginger primate), adding “Yeah they’re good kids…. I just like to PUNCH them!” before sexually harrassing Tommy’ sd ecent (if disturbing) whispery La Toya (“Yeah that’s the way I like it! Work it baby!”.

Mutya has Tina’s chain smoking know it all shoutyness spot on (not quite sure about Tina’s Mutya which seems to involve dressing in a sack and talking like Dick Van Dyke). Michelle rather cruelly has Lucy’s inanity down to a tee (“I didn’t wanna get em ahtt”) and Lucy knows it – but is sadly incapable of adding an insightful impersonation to the passable Geordie accent she musters, so sits there cringing and whining in North Easterly. Ulrika is paired with Ben and asked to name the A1 singles. “Erm, ‘Caught in the middle’, ‘Caught in a bubble’ and er ‘ Caught with a stick'” she deadpans.

All this funniness merely earns Terry the chance to dress as a racial stereotype whilst eating Thai food and drinking beer (my idea of a perfect night in). To his credit he does ask if he can share the prize, before the lure of green curry and yellow stella takes over (“Well really they should thank me.. if anyone else had been head of house they’d have been at each others throats”), and he suggests Big Brother play his feast on the big telly before emotionally suggesting Big Brother “despite their reassuring deviousness” are one of the best bosses he’s had for 20 years. I’d have sold out for some spare ribs to be fair. Terry emerges with the evidence (empty beer bottles) and no attempt to deny that he’s been boozing and scoffing to an incredibly unamused Ulrika (Terry (smirking beerily)”It’s cos you lot did so well!”) who shoots him evils along with Tina.

Terry’s had the slightly more onerous task of choosing the “Most insincere housemate”, and to this end Big Brother asks him to choose three housemates (that aren’t already nominated bah!) so he can choose to watch them talking about him before making his choice. Sadly it must be that he has to pick out of one of the people he’s viewed rather than use this as a guide (I miss the rules cos my ear’s gone a bit weird). He picks Ben, Michelle and Mutya giving the reason that they’re young and therefore possibly influenced by the older celebs and more likely to be themselves in the diary room or something. Sadly for him they all turn out to say they love him (although Michelle’s a tad insincere regarding Coolio and now seems to blame him solely for “Shrek-gate”), and Ben gets his sense of humour and the fact he’s taking the piss out of Tommy. Mutya is refreshingly humble and sweet about her music chats with Terry (“It’s nice to talk to someone who knows a lot more than you”) and Terry realises his tactics have backfired somewhat and he loves all the children of the house (“I’m gonna cry”). He banks on the girl children and gaymos of Britain keeping Ben in – and nominates him cos he should be safe (“And be my buddy” – awww!).

It’s a live show tonight where apparently the housemates will be played Terry nominating them to make him out to be some evil Manciavellian figure – despite the brilliant and thoughtful way he’s played this task (although he HAS failed to nom Tina Malone so something’s gone hideously wrong). Of course Big Brother will probably switch the rules given that their most expensive cash cow celeb (Ulrikakaka according to Saturday’s Graun) is up for eviction – so the hint is that the housemates get the chance to save one nominee. I don’t mind too much as long as Ben stays – Terry needs a buddy.

Liking: Terry, Verne, Coolio
Warming to: Mutya, Ben, La Toya (although enough of the scary marriage stories!)
Going off (apart from when she’s funny): Ulrika
Not keen on: Michelle, Tommy
Disliking: Lucy
Disliking with a passion: Tina

 

Part 2:

 

With typical Big Brother ability to ruin an anticipated moment we continue with Day 4’s “highlights” after half an hour with the much more entertaining Zombie Davina. It transpires that Coolio is just a big old slightly insensitive pussy cat and Michelle is just a tad paranoid about how her boyfriend will perceive what now looks like her attraction to Ben (seeing as it took her until everyone else was asleep to run to the Diary room (All this came after some low level flirting between Ulrika, Tina and Ben, who played along rather gamely (“If you’re up for quick, disappointing sex, I’m your man”) – and Michelle seemed a bit weepy during this thanks to the damn edit) and complain about Coolio being a meanie). On the way out she passes Tom, who despite being deep in discussion about yoof crime with Terry and Coolio, notices the gob on her and asks her what’s wrong so he can give her a pervy I mean fatherly hug. She mutters something about family things and rushes off, leaving the blokes at first taking her sweetly at face value until Coolio susses and seems genuinely bewildered and concerned that he’s upset her and promises to apologise, whilst Tom and Terry point out she’s not been with the new boyfriend long – so clearly there’s no trust there or something.

The excitement continues with the housemates gathered into the lounge, where the voice of Big Brother directs Ulrika, Lucy and Ben via the Diary room into a poky cupboard where they can watch events unfold on screen. “I knew it” mumbles Ulrika moodily as it’s revealed that Terry was secretly nominating. Rather cruelly Big Brother makes it out that Terry has chosen them for being “Biggest ego”, “Least talented” and “Least integrity”, which you’d hope they’d suss weren’t his words, but Ulrika looks like she’s found a turd in her meatballs.The others except Terry, who’s still dressed as king, have to pick a housemate to save from the public vote:

Coolio: Ben (otherwise he fears there’s “too many women” in da house)
La Toya: Ben, the two of us need look no more!
Michelle (after some giggling): Ben (phew, thought she was gonna try a double bluff there)
Mutya: Lucy (oh well)
Tina (looking very unhappy to have made mates with the wrong person): Ulrikaka
Tommy: BEN!!!!
Verne (after a none comedy moment where Big Brother tells him to stand up too – “I AM standing up”): Ben

Ulrika rather cannily points out that nobody back in the house knew that they could see what was said, but Lucy appears to blab right away that they’ve seen all, so so much for the intrigue. So up for eviction this week – it’s Lucy (who cost Endemol about £30,000)  versus Ulrika (who cost them £175,000) – having taken the genuinely popular and increasingly likeable Ben out of the mix. Hmmmm.

Still Liking: Coolio, Terry, Verne
Warming to even more: Ben
Warming to a bit: Mutya, La Toya
For gods sake woman retain your famous Swedish sense of humour! Oh: Ulrika
Not really liking: Michelle, Tommy
Disliking: Lucy
Despairing of: Tina

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