First published January 5th 2009 on

Day 3 and Coolio’s the man, or so he’s telling the lovely Lucy. “You had a man like me you wouldn’t need no other man,” he purrs, leaving me wondering whether his conquests resort to lesbioticism, bestiality or suicide. Fortunately Ulrika’s on hand to puncture Coolio’s demo of his “signature gangsta stroll” (“You’re walking as if your balls are too heavy.”). Even Verne has a go, doing his immitation of a “black dude” walking “like he’s just done farting”, which Coolio laughs off heartily (he knows that at least he can “do stairs”).

I can’t help finding Coolio an absolute hoot – with his tall tales of sexual conquest (lost virginity in a threesome at 12, although when Ulrika suggests he’s talking out his arse he admits he didn’t master penetration until he was 15 (“she was like ‘Oh that hurts I was like ‘TAKE IT!'”- cue editor cutting to Tina stuffing a chicken!). He’s just a big adolescent boy, as his 37 minute monologue on his shagventures – culminating in a list of places he’s done the deed in (places like “Moscow” and “Canberra” rather than “in the bum”) – which leaves Ulrika’s eyes rolling around in their sockets like spinning tops and Tina and Michelle mocking him disbelievingly. Ben of course is still agog about everything Coolio does. I bet he’s developing a signature mince right now.

Tina turns on Ulrika with the disgust of a woman genuinely sad to be surrounded by thinner prettier females when the latter dares to moan how Michelle and Lucy manage to be much more glamorous and wear much more make-up (ha! miaow!). “Oh fuck off you’ve had four kids” snaps our fun-lovin’ Scouse, “you look better than I thought you would!” Mind you Tina knows that whilst she can’t compete with the beauty and breastage on display in the house, she still has a great arse and minge. (“I’ve got a tight arse but tits like spaniels ears.”). Honestly they’re like “two sacks of golf balls” since she lost all that weight. Delightful. Considering her rather strange self image I’m presuming her fanny is actually Cavern Walks. Still Tina points out that not everyone can be beautiful and (Ulrika tries to help out with clever but no) have a GREAT BODY. “Body off baywatch face off crimewatch” she giggles to herself, delighted by her original wit straight from the pages of Viz 15 years ago. I’m not sure which one Tina is purporting to have. Was there ever a manatee decapitated on either show?

Terry’s given details of a talent test in the Diary Room – but he’s seriously considering jacking his Head of House status in and taking the consequences. Big Brother inform him that he’ll lose his bedroom and be up for eviction if he tells the other housemates all “in a fit of guilt” at which he decides “it’s only a game” and cracks on. Coolio, Mutya, Ben, Michelle and La Toya all have to do songs. Poor Verne has to do a Scene from Romeo and Juliet with Tina. Ulrika has to do the weather, Tommy a political speech and Lucy gets to espouse her fascinating views on the labour party in her pants (“It’s news in briefs” she tells Ben. “Wot, is it really short?” he gasps). I have no idea what Terry gets to do (being a professional Manc?).

Coolio demonstrates how he doesn’t need to rehearse Gangstas Paradise by doing a shit version in the Diary Room, and enters the bedroom just in time to hear Michelle commenting that Tina in her ill fitting medieval “Juliet” dress looks like “the princess in Shrek”. Oh spot on! (Although she also has a touch of nursey in Blackadder whilst disguised as a cow with 12 flapping udders). Rightly Coolio collapses into heartily appreciative laughter – unfortunately Tina enters the bedroom and demands to know what’s going on. Coolio is an utter tact vacuum and spills the Shrekky beans, for Michelle to go all spineless and deny that she knew that Princess Fiona was an ogre and state it was only cos the dress was similar. Shamefully Ben backs her up and throws all the blame on Coolio for laughing (yes yes it was Coolio who thought she looked like a green ogre – no-one else). To be honest I think Tina should take any further such compliments gracefully rather than storming off to the ashtray huffing “I’m no troll.. anyway I don’t give a fuck!” after giving Coolio a look that suggests that although he might be a gangsta she once bit the head off one of the Noggsie’s pitbulls or something.

La Toya practices “Wanna be starting something” in her wistful little girls voice, making me want to listen to the bit that appears to be going on about “Your vegetable” again. And it’s time for the show. Coolio cruises boredly through Gangsta’s Paradise, whilst Terry grins like a loon. Verne appears to forget his lines either deliberately (so he isn’t seen to be doing a love scene with Tina who is smirking like a Cheshire cat inside the jaws of an insane fat woman) or out of disgust. (Someone on the Guardian Big Brother forum suggested Coolio should have re-enacted R Kelly’s “trapped in the Closet” with Verne as the midget. Genius idea – Tina could have been Bridgett and smeared cherry pie over her chops!) Ulrika starts to um her way through the weather, Coolio’s face a perfect “What the fuck” in the background until she does a noble and up tight little speech about being really famous for being a slag and proud of it, and then he’s whooping and fisting the air. Mutya probably gives the best vocals of the night (her or La Toya) but it’s not a great achievement, whilst Coolio senses attention being taken away from him and launches into a rapey tie dance like an uncle on Scotch and Viagra. Ben’s next camping it up in a leather westcut and suspiciously loud backing track that makes it look like he’s miming. Nah! Then it’s Lucy’s turn to show her claim to fame, but there’s sadly not even a glimpse of a torytit as she wears jumper and pants to deliver ill-thought out views (“not a big fan” of the Labour party). I’ve heard stupider students wearing less clothes espousing Daily Mail sentiments without any critical analysis in seminars less than a month ago (true – female student in hot pants and see thru top doing a BA in politics and child care told the entire class that we weren’t allowed to send Christmas cards in schools now for fear of offending muslims and blacks. mind you – she was from the Isle of Wight!) woman – buck your ideas up or get your baps out.  Terry looks like his decision is made, as she embarrassingly and worse dully talks about going to Afghanistan being so rewarding (yes getting your norks out for squaddies in a country where their presence contributes towards women having to continue wearing the burka for fear of reprisals must be tops) and being found on Bournemouth Beach (“like a beached whale” – same episode as Tina then). Michelle then murders a song and lapdances a spellbound Tommy in a shiny PVC catsuit. Lucy looks mortified – Tommy didn’t even express an interest in her pants!

It’s Tommy’s turn and he reprises a socialist worker rant about the USA – which seems to forget that we can’t carry on going about Dubya for much longer. La Toya looks mortified as he gets all angry and Scottish about her warmongering nation, but Coolio loves it, whooping and cheering (yes you Yanks really are that bad-ass Coolio!).  Finally it’s La Toya’s turn and she’s pretty good in bits and rubbish in others – like most people who sing live with a lot of backing (yes it’s Michael’s version on her backing tape) – she does get everyone up and bopping around though.

Terry wastes no time in electing Lucy as least talented (“Never heard of her..never seen her with her waps out” – she’s gonna regret not properly expressing her talents!

Meanwhile Tina talks interminably about how Coolio talks too much. Even Ulrika fails to suppress a yawn as yet again Tina makes it all about herself – suggesting Coolio sees her as competition. She doesn’t need to worry – she’s actually winning in the delusional stakes – plus the “who looks the most like the spitting image Roy Hattersley puppet” with bad 70s hair. . Go Tina go!

Liking: Terry, La Toya, Ulrika (but she has to keep taking the piss out of Coolio and then shag him), Verne
Finding amusing: Coolio
Not fussed about: Mutya
Disliking: Ben, Michelle, Tommy
Oh FFS: Tina, Lucy