First published 4th January 2009 on

Day 2 and Ulrika’s already displaying an ability to eat for breakfast the meatballs of most of the men in this place. Of course Ben Adam proves a mere aperitif ; “You couldn’t look unfresh if you tried” twinkles our Swedish Siren (translation of unfresh = “pre-pubescent”). Coolio’s next to experience the Ulrika effect, as he enters the room mid-rap for presumably the umpeenth of many times. “I can do that! I can do that!” he gangsta-non-rhymes. “Very good!” smooths Ulrika sweetly, “Like something my four old can do.” Later she bonds with Coolio whilst preparing lunch, when he can’t recall her name (“You can call me what you like as long as it’s a nice name”). Just as he’s warming to this potential ssmilf (single swedish mum etc.) he discovers a)she’s married but hardly wears the ring because  b)she’s got a 7month old baby back at home so wants to protect her jewellery from baby vomit. I reckon its partly down to a) that he gets all overly patriarchal and shocked about b), but bless our Ulrika, she blithely ignores his faux outrage. “I don’t kiss married women” announces Coolio to pump his ego back up, “you don’t know where their mouths have been” (from my experience of marriage about two disappointments away from a crack pipe).

La Toya demonstrates her blatant masochistic vein by choosing Tina Mallone as her closest house confident. Or perhaps La Toya is smart enough to realise that Fatty Mallone is so unlikely to listen to anything you could ever say to her – and therefore to question it – that it gives one carte blanche to get anything and everything off your chest – although that would make her too dumb to realise it’s being broadcast – unless she’s just making crazy shit up for the hell of it (I wish). Anyhow today La Toya shared her painful marriage complete with the abuse, beatings, black eyes and her ex’s alternative method of opening and closing doors (using La Toya’s head, which maybe explains it’s unusual shape) – whilst Tina used any gaps in the conversation to agree that indeed life had been hard and cruel to her, Tina that is. I almost got the feeling that La Toya realised she was being ignored and talked over by the Scouse version of Pigsy from Monkey and was upping the ante. Perhaps tomorrow she will reveal that her ex hubby anally raped her with a scitimar, only for Tina to roll her eyes, sigh and tut “Yeah I know, I had to stand up for over five minutes during my auditions for Shameless”. Anyhow – Tina has really suffered – she had a balloon put down her throat to help her lose weight (just like Pablo the drug dog!). La Toya only seems uncomfortable when Tina starts mentioning Michael (“A genius bordering on madness – just like me!” – hmmm!), but we all know why eh readers?

Coolio serves dinner (not sure if it was the delightful sounding “Peanut chicken lovin” signature dish that he mentioned on day 1, but as Terry Christian points out “It looks very student concoction”) and disturbingly hovers over poor Verne waiting for his opinion (but it looks like someone staring at a dwarf to see how he eats).

As Head of House, Terry is called to the Diary Room – where the task he is given is just a cover which Big Brother states should help him choose the housemate with the most inflated ego – who will be automatically nominated (likewise with the reminder of this weeks “tasks”). It’s basically a variation of the one in which celebs organised themselves in order of fame – but this time the celebs have to choose who will be credited in which order on the end credits for tonight’s show (there isn’t room for three celebs). Michelle selflessly declares that she will be an extra (i.e. still get credited), whereas Tommy for me wins inflatego by virtue of barking orders to do it alphabetically (“Just do it man!”). Ulrika and Tina don’t help by whinging at Terry for being too slow to write the clebs names down. Anyhow, Terry then gets a rather groovy looking camera to film the 8 credited clebs. La Toya asks sweetly if she can be filmed in his room, how could anyone refuse. Giggling she holds up two cushions in the universal gesture of madness (Terry: “You’ll be on the shopping channel before you know it.”) Coolio gets his bling on for the camera (sending Verne into a fit of laughter), whereas Lucy shows off her “talents” by doing some shite porno posing with the marigold gloves sending Tommy into a bizarre rapey sub-Galloway mode. Ugh!

Terry’s not keen to nom someone on the back of the task, but is reminded he can’t pick himself (“we’ve all got big egoes and low self esteem, that’s why we’re in the business” ) so backs out and noms Ulrika as she doesn’t get on with him and seems to be taking things too seriously (“I may be wrong and I will suffer the consequences”). Big Brother dock the clebs of one token for “passing” the “task” cos Terry broke the rules by allowing La Toya to be filmed in his room (to be fair to Terry, I thought the rules for his room was that other clebs couldn’t use the facilities, so the not filming bit seemed to be deliberately tight in order to stir up a bit of conflict). Sadly Ulrika immediately jumps in with “You are so stupid!” (she always took Shooting Stars a bit seriously too – which was funny in context). La Toya rushes over to try and apologise, but Terry would rather take the blame than have people allocating it, at which Tommy bellows “So it’s YOUR fault you bastard!” Oh why is everyone being such a mong.

The token could give the celebs either hot water or telly for a day, so Coolio rather sweetly suggests watching the FA cup (perhaps so he can work out what the Northerners have been going on about). However Tina Mallone forgets her footy allegiances so she can continue to blame Terry for the fact that he won’t be able to watch the Man United match because if she doesn’t get a shower the whole house will smell of spam and wee.

Ulrika’s called to the Diary Room and seems to be considering quitting already. Disappointingly she’s predicting conflict but describing Tina Mallone as “Great for humour”.

Verne demonstrates his knowledge of cockney rhyming slang (“I did a hairy monk on her boat race and her Gregory”) to a hugely impressed Coolio who can’t quite get the hang of it (“Let me get some neck!” – erm?).

Poor old Verne can’t even go to the diary room (he has a special eye poking stick to get in) without being patronised first by Big Brother (“Why are you going to bed Verne?” Oh please just say you want a wank!) – and outside by Tommy bizarrely extending the weirdo guilt-trip how should we been seen to treat spackers on national TV conversation. I can’t get why people are so awkward with just being courteous to Verne and helping him if he wants help rather than hovering over him like they’re filming a “sensitive” Channel 5 documentary. Don’t they realise it’s a bit mental for anyone to have people trying to pre-guess what they need doing for them? They won’t go to hell for not realising in advance that Verne can’t reach things (unless it’s air in the Jacuzzi maybe) – whereas I am doomed to burn for giggling slightly at his diary room opening stick device. Back in the Diary Room, Verne yet again stresses that he wants people to know that just cos he does things differently he’s not helpless. If I was Verne, next time someone asks if he needs a hand I’d get them to properly take him to the toilet. For a Joddryll.

Liking: Verne, Terry, Coolio
Warming to: La Toya
Lighten up Lady!: Ulrika
Not bothered by: Mutya, Ben
Totally invisible! Michelle
Disliking: Tina, Tommy, Lucy