First published 3rd January 2009 on

And we’re back following two years racism break to Elstree, where Davina hovers in black feathers like some emo Big Bird, flapping round the faux gilt formica splendour of the celebs house. Apparently this year Davina reassures us, “we’re still using tokens”. Non-white people, dwarves and Scottish people then. In an apparent nod to one of Charlie Brooker’s recent columns about “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”, the forlorn ash tray smoking area is surrounded by eyeless dolls heads (See – where Charlie suggests Robert Kilroy Silk should have been force fed LSD and sent into a cave full of glowing dolls heads). Cos since Endemol backed Big Brother zombie romp “Dead Set” the hitherto skills and acers Charlie is Davina’s pal. Oi Brooker, why don’t you just give the pointy nosed baby shitter a damn good tonguing?

Yes it’s Celeb Big Brother 2009 and I’m trying to quit tabs – a sure fire recipe for a seething cauldron of hate-filled sweariness if ever there was one. So let’s introduce the runners and riders as they entered the placcie Priory.

1) La Toya Jackson. I know it’s now obligatory to have a member of the Jacko clan on any reality TV programme over here, but is La Toya Jackson actually real? I thought we’d established she’s really Michael in Mekon Drag years ago. All she has to do is press that weird button on her chin and she’ll be right back to moonwalking, grabbing her shrivelled man bits and impactical parenting. Actually though La Toya, we learn, got closest to escaping the destiny of freakdom carved out for her and her hapless wealthy yet damaged siblings by their tyrannical father by daring to consider studying to become an attorney. The Endocunts boo her soundly on the way in, but even as I flinch on her behalf I realise she doesn’t seem to have any awareness of her surroundings. Instead she stammers out a strange bird-like hee hee laugh whilst floating about looking like a tired yet startled ET in a wig or an ultra genteel lady ape from Planet of the Apes.

2) Mutya is apparently an ex-sugarbabe with bolts in her face. She comes across as a scary nailed shouty beeyatch in her video (“People think I’m bitchy but actually I’m laid back and quiet”.. Hmmmm) and hobbles up the steps all leopard-skin inflato-tits looking like the “I want” picture that Pete Burns might have showed his dodgy surgeon. Apparently she likes “a drink”. Expect vomit, weeping and punch-ups. Hurrah! La Toya is pleasingly distant to her – like Carrie White pre the telekinetic melt down (I live in hope).

3) It’s “Little” Verne Troyer, or Mini Me if you like. Verne takes to the red carpet and works the crowd to huge cheers, and to everyone’s relief doesn’t take the stairs. Davina wins the David Brent dwarf patronising award for cooing “Awww” over his diminutive struggles with his huge suitcase. Unsurprisingly La Toya knows him. I’d be surprised if Michael hasn’t tried to buy him. So far Verne seems most normal and at ease with himself, but that’s not difficult. He also has the best voice ever.

4) Verne’s king of cool status is in no way rocked by the arrival of dodgy Scottish MP Tommy Sheridan – surely this year’s Galloway. Wierdly when I tuned in live last night (my train got me back too late for the main show, so I watched it today), my first note for Tommy was “Glaswegian wife beater?”. Having successfully sued the News of the Screws for defamation (amusingly backed up by his missus who loyally swore he couldn’t have had an affair as he only has a tiny cock) Tommy’s now being counter sued for perjury, so has decided there’s no time like the presence to pose about in front of derelict shipyards trying to look noble in a donkey jacket and get into the house. LOUD BOOS greet his arrival, and somewhat deflated he tries to make small talk with the existing housemates who all have no fucking clue who he is. He also seems to have a touch of the John Leslie’s about his appearance, which should make things interesting when Ulrika enters the house.

5) Lucy Pinters. This year’s big titted bimbo model with far right views by the looks of things. My boyfriend recognises her (he claims he saw her on the back of “Viz” – hmmmm 😉 ). She was discovered on Bournemouth beach (but then used trojan johnnies and poodle shit have probably been discovered there). Along with “liberals”, “attention seeking people” really annoy this needy titrack. Oh the irony! Verne and Tommy wake up and stand to attention when she makes it past blank uncaring boos.

6) Ben er who? Adams apparantly? He was in A1 apparantly? The boy band. Erm. He attempts to namedrop all the grate showbiz types he’s worked with – but when Alex Burke from X factor and Har Mar superstar are your best claims to fame, frankly you should shut right up. He also boasts about shagging his young female fans. Oh no he’s not a virgin. Just a tit. Talking of which he appears to dribble on Lucy’s spam bags within seconds of meeting her.

7) Tina Mallone. A fat scouser from Shameless dressed like a gay jockey with elephantitis. It’s her who seems to mention her weight and city of heritage constantly by the way. Has she said she’s a large lady. Oh she has now. Again. And did she point out she’s from Liverpool. Oh yes. Between her self-styled “fat funny lady”ness (i.e. tubby bully) and Stevie G going all American Psycho for a fix of Phil Collins, it’s yet another of those moments for everyone who comes from my home city to cringe and talk posh a bit. She claims to be OCD, hormonal and bipolar. I reckon La Toya could teach her a thing or two about OCD, seeing as she seems to want to avpid shaking Tina’s hand in case the obesity is catching.

8) Oh my god it’s Coolio. Ugging at the crowd like some crazy caveman gangsta in Rupert Bear trousers and a white mask on the back of his head in case tigers try to jump him. Back in Brent mode, Davina starts gushing idiotically about the fact he’s got a limp. (Is a limp a new gangsta accessory? Maybe he’s trying to suggest he’s packin way too much damn heat to walk in a straight line). He lets on to Verne and Mutya, but seems to completely blank La Toya, or maybe that’s cos she doesn’t exist.

9) Michelle Heaton from Liberty X. What is her weirdo accent? I think I detected about 10 different types of Northernness in there. She’s another of these people convinced that the papers wrongly represent her as a bitch. So a paranoid bitch then. She is therefore soundly booed. “Thanks for the boos” she bleats sharply. Ha!

10) Terry Christian – once styled by the mirror as “Britain’s most hated man” (was this before Piers Morgan), but now an arrogantly faded Manc, who laughs off the cacaphony of boos. Tommy lets on to him and before long the household Northerners are bonding whilst Coolio stares on blankly. Later he redeems himself to me by having a good conversation about Heath Ledger with Verne – also pointing out how odd it would be to give a bloke an oscar for being crap at counting sleeping pills.

11) Ulrika-ka-ka-ka! I like Ulrika and she comes across as sensible despite her obvious mentalness in her video, but that doesn’t stop the rentotwats booing away. Ulrika can live with that U guess. Tommy backs away from her, staring on with cold dead sharks eyes as she approaches… maybe he is a mate of John Leslie’s?

The housemates learn that there will be rationing of hot water and hair straighteners. La Toya looks terrified, although she’s gone into the house for “the challenge”, she confesses she’s not been with people outside her family before. Oh come on, she IS Michael. They’ve got the same nose and everything. Poor La Toya is struggling to recall anyone’s names outside Verne and Coolio, but Lucy’s not much help, being uninterested in anyone who isn’t her. “Who came in last?” asks La Toya, referring to Ulrika. “Terry” Lucy states coldly. La Toya’s confused, “I meant the lady”. “That was Tina” is Lucy’s response and La Toya wafts off in a cloud of vagueness.

It transpires that whoever picks a bed last will become King of The House, and live in a separate room with unlimited access to hair straighteners. I’m warming to Terry as he’d rather go for a fag than pick a bed. The lucky smoking bastard! He’s called to the Diary Room by Big Brother, quipping hopefully “they’ll probably put me in a jail”, before being told of his new found status which is a reward for his having apparently displayed unselfish civilian qualities for not scabbing a bed first (or maybe that’s civilian lazy git qualities). He leaves the diary room in fanfare and promptly heads for another ciggie, leaving Lucy’s face a picture of outrage. However Michelle just sucks up to him to get a sneaky go on the hair straighteners, which of course he says yes to, already breaking one of Big Brothers rules. Terry better be careful, he’s already frightened housemates by quoting Brendan Behan and saying something vaguely intelligent and non-self-important about fame. Luckily he’s immune from the first round of nominations. No-one likes a smart arse Terry. Specially not the GBP Big Brother Voters with their Limited Brain Power.

Verne seems much happier driving around in his handy scooter, until of course Tommy (over aggressively of course) and the other housemates insist on confronting him helpfully about how much help he needs. Not that it’s bad to ask, but they seem to make a huge song and dance about things, finally coming to the conclusion that they should have started out at – that if Verne needs help he will most likely ask for it. Well duh! Unfortunately Coolio misses this meeting and ends up helping an ever so slightly frustrated Verne with his unpacking later. Ooops.

I’m kind of warming to Coolio despite his desperate attempts to sex himself up though, there’s a tragic conversation between him and La Toya where he’s asking why she never had kids and she’s trying to explain that she’s a freak in a sweet way (“things never worked out”), before she adds, regarding being on Big Brother “this may be the best thing that ever happens to me.”. Even Coolio isn’t unmoved by the fact that this may be the most tragic thing ever said on telly, and he bemusedly says “but you’re really nice”. She nervously giggles, unconvinced. I also like Coolio rather un-gangsta-ly asking for his jim-jams and why Big Brother has a woman’s voice.

Ben’s in above his head rapping about drugs with Coolio (“I smoked a joint and I was talking to trees”), and is clearly and almost sweetly awestruck as Coolio spins him one of his latest tracks (Ben: “Nice that”, wow you can see him doing well as a music manager…erm).

Anyhow, so far, here’s the ratings:


Liking: Verne, Ulrika, Coolio

Sort of warming to despite myself: Terry

Worried for: La Toya

Not arsed about: Ben, Michelle, Tina, Mutya

Will probably end up hating: Lucy, Tommy