First published 31st January 2007 on

Let’s briefly see where the housemates’s “journeys” have taken them thus far (I just can’t let it lie can I?):

Apparently Jo O’Meara has recieved death threats since her unrepentant exit from the house and the whole experience has “ruined her life”, and she’s already blown the fee on cooking sherry, ciggies and the slotties.

Jade Goody has checked into the Priory (presumably they have a 12 step anti-bigotry programme?) It’s not known whether she’s seen those kids of hers she remembered she was missing yet.

Danielle Lloyd has “yet to talk” with Teddy Sheringham and gatecrashed Shilpa’s moment at the post BB Press conference in order to get in a grovelling apology. Sadly no-one told her to fuck off home. (To be honest having a policy of repatriation isn’t the wisest idea for a scouser living in a posh part of Essex).

Shilpa Shetty has now seen most of the footage denied her on Sunday night and whilst not directly calling the axis of twee-ville a bunch of beeyatches, obviously thinks that. As I enviously added in my last blog it’s actually Jonny Depp she may be working with soon. I hate her.

Jermaine Jackson has been meditating since Sunday. His auro is now made of SOLID GOLD. Michael watched the “Jackson Five” tribute tape but thought he was having an hallucination of how the band would look now without the aid of reconstructive surgery.

Faceman – is travelling round the UK with his teenage son looking for smoking bars and fluffy things to kill. He feels a curious urge to visit North East Essex. There’s a voice keeps on calling him.

Acting as Face’s annoying man Friday is Leo Sayer (who still hasn’t fucked this country off and returned to Australia). Leo has remixed his classic 70’s hit “You make me feel like dancing” with the lyrics “I need some underpants” (“gimme my pants ooh pants ooh. pants or I’m away!”).

Ian_exTWFS is to appear as a gay Nazi in a West End Musical version of Schindler’s List opposite Matt from Busted as Schindler and Bonny Langford as “the girl in the red coat”.

Carole Malone – continues to write shit columns in the Sunday Mirror

Ken Russell – has joined John McCrirrick in stalking Russell Brand and begging for more wacky late night telly work. Expect to see them ‘gracing’ BBBM this summer.

Cleo Rocos has been given a part in the recently recomissioned TittyTittyBangBang and therefore will probably be on BBC3 for the next fucking ten years. By which time she’ll be 47 (according to her agent).

Jackiey Budden will be featured in a new Channel Four documentary “The lesbian whose arm fell off“, where she gibbers candidly about the effect about her mangled mandible has on her sex life.

Donny Tourette has enrolled in viola lessons in Chiswick and was turned down for the part of the poshboy DJ in Skins for not being “street” enough.

Jack Tweedy was bailed from a drink driving charge to take part in Big Brother despite his denials of having ever been arrested. Apparently his Jade impersonation in the final film task sent his “famous” “girlfriend” over the edge and into racism-related stress rehab. He hasn’t changed his underpants since Sunday. He is apparently becoming 10,000 times more obscure per second.

It’s like one of those medievel morality plays where the good eventually triumph over adversity (substitute bullying for failing crops and burning barns) and the bad are punished. “Big Brother” – it’s the new church (dwindling numbers and a dodgy attitude towards minorities).


Have you got any news about any of the contestants? Have you seen Jack Tweedy or has he wiped something on you? Add to the comments below with your “celeb” gossip.