First published 29th January 2007 on

I’ve had to interrupt the Return of the Hamster on “Top Gear” to flick over to Elstree, where Davina, dressed as Lorraine Chase in a “bittersweet” adultery drama, introduces this the final installment of the most moral panic inducing series of UK Celebrity Big Brother. She flits past the conspicuously Jade and Jo free line-up of ex housemates (Jo’s “No regrets” Sunday Mirror interview having encased her career’s coffin in limescale), and announces that the two housemates with the least number of votes will leave together. By my reckoning that means that at least Danielle will have a hatstand to hold…:  

 Yesterday’s highlights start with yet another moment of contrived zanyness involving Jack, Danielle stuffing  Ian_TWFS into a duvet cover and pulling him round the garden (not the sort of drag he’s used to if my memories of Sunday afternoons in Molly Mogs serve me) , before leaving him trussed in a rubbish Houdini homage and beating him with pillows. Whilst Face is blasé about these Guantanamo style antics (“That’s mean”), a freaked Shilpa attempts to rescue Ian_TWFS to the disgust of a still furiously whacking Danielle. A frazzled Ian is eventually released and staggers towards the house. “Ian what time is it?” asks Jermaine. “Time for Danielle to die” Ian squeaks determinedly. A sweetly confused Jermaine leans towards Face; “What time did he say?”

Hatstand courts the pink pound in the diary room; “I never thought that  I could have a gay mate…you realise they’re normal as well.” (ARGGGGH!). He tips Jermaine to win because it seems not even a twat in a hat can hate that man. Mind you he also tips Danielle for being “funny” (have we so soon forgotten “I’m Aveline errrr… giggle”?).

 In Nowhere Ian talks to Danielle about her being influenced by Jade. Danielle states she loves “Jade to bits”, but sometimes felt a little timid in her presence. Ian tries to help her get her excuses in; “I think they lead to to do things that were beneath you” , to which Danielle replies  “Were they?” (apparently meaning were the things “beneath” her?). When he tries to expand on the bullying issue, the lying cow immediately says  “I wasn’t involved in that”. Gently Ian points out that she was “a little bit”. According to Danielle that was when she was drunk (apparently it doesn’t count if any of us gets smashed on WKD and bitchslaps Danielle in the bogs at Chinawhites) plus it was “half Shilpa’s fault”. For breathing or something. Rather than accepting that she’s fucked up big time, Ian gets all touchy feeling with the poisonous troll; “they’re gonna love you and I’m really proud to call you my friend.” Oh for fuck sake.

The final task involves the housemates making four different genre movies about their experiences in the house. As resident bloke thesps, Ian_TWFS and Face get into the spirit of things immediately, trying out various styles of screen fighting before opting for Face’s inspired high speed camp- slapping stand-off.

The film noir bears no resemblance to any I’ve seen, introduced in an almost Shakespearean style by Shilpa. I would have had Shilpa as a brilliant femme fatale, seeing off her enemies and captivating (and thus dooming) her rivals. Instead Jack, in a Jimmy Saville wig, draws on the Stephen Berkhoff school to play Donny, leaping over the wall with the aid of Ian_TWFS, played by Jermaine. Whilst “Donny” effs and blinds and dives out of shot, Jermaine hilariously forgets his lines, until prompted by Face; “Donny’s gone. Where did Donny go? Donny!!!”.

Next comes a re-enactment of “Chicken Fight” and Oxogate, with Ian dragging up again as a bewinged Shilpa, complete with a none racist Indian accent; “Are you disrespecting me Mmmmm?”. Jack frocks up to play Jade exactly the same way he played Donny (but louder,with a different wig and sans fag), and most of his lines are censored out. The scene ends with him getting stuck into a fake cat fight with his new gay best friend. I sense latent wrongmo issues.

Both Shilpa and Jermaine are shown in the diary room giving Ghandi-esque like addresses in this edit. Jermaine is asked how he’s found his time in the house and unleashes a stream of punctuated adjectives; “Up. Down. Smooth. Loud. Quiet. Happy. It’s been everything.” He claims to have found solace in staring at the moving clouds from the kitchen window, so perhaps he’s merely reciting The Ballad of Elstree Gaol.  He’s asked how he’d like to be remembered; “A ray of sunshine. Quiet. Calm. Secure. Happy” etc.etc.. Shilpa has an even more poetic DR session; ” If I win it will be God’s grace, my destiny and the audiences love”, she says humbly. Later Jermaine and Face celebrate having come so far; “We did it. At least we didn’t hop over a wall. Inshallah”

 “Do you get nervous when you walk out there” Jack asks Jermaine prior to the eviction, receiving a curt “No” (Well duh!). Chants of “Shilpa!” can be heard as Davina addresses the house and reveals to a general lack of amazement that Jack is least popular and Danielle is in 5th place. Danielle has misguidedly chosen to match an outfit that combines Abi Titmus tits-out-for the lasds blousiness with cheap Northern slapper hoop earrings and frosted pink lipstick, representing her home city in the only way she knows how. Boos ring out at the announcement, which Face misinterprets as boos of outrage at the decision. “Oooh they booed” he shouts unnervingly. “They were NOT happy”. I somehow doubt this has a calming effect on Danielle. The exit noise dips, presumably to drown out Teddy shouting “You’re dumped you xenophobic slaaaaag” amongst any pre-watershed profanities.

 As they descend the steps Jack laughs; “We are ABSOLUTELY HATED”, he grins. Any fame is good fame to a man known for wanking ON a pig (Even Rebecca Loos had more class and ensured that the pig was happy).

 Ian_TWFS’s face has turned a brighter shade of grey back in the lounge “that has completely thrown me”. He claims that he expected himself and Face to go out first, although he could be rueing blowing his chances of winning by cosying up to Danielle.

It’s a Double interview given the lack of personality in the two evictees combined.  Davina warns them that “It’s not a normal interview” ,because that would be with somebody competent. . The same old clips of global controversy are shown, to the blank, smiling, unsurprised faces of Jack and Danielle. Incriminating footage, including Towelgate, is shown,  Danielle rolling her eyes and laughing when she realises the potential impact of some of her comments, although she doesn’t really seem that arsed. “I feel terrible” she says meekly afterwards. Like Jo she puts her laughter down  to nerves (“I hate confrontation”), and Davina fails to play the dishonest little chavette that clip of her exclaiming “that was FUCKING FANTASTIC” immediately after Oxogate. Danielle blames Jade for leading her astray whilst the Hatstand sits by silently. She claims to have not realised that Jo didn’t like Shilpa, and when Davina points out that we HAVE ALL SEEN her and Jo discussing how much they HATED Shilpa, her feeble excuse is “I just thought that was girls being girls…not racist”. She gives an unconvincing apology, claims she’s learned to be less of a bitch and is let off with a slap on the wrist.

Jack is given even less of a grilling, his statement with regards the bullying of Shilpa; “I’m allowed to not like someone. It’s nothing to do with colour”. Yet again Endemol prove they have no problem with people being downright gobshites to other people as long as it’s not racially motivated. Erm and that’s it, Jack’s interview is over and we’re flung into his brief “shitelights”, accompanied appropriately by The Who’s “Who Are You?” (although “Sound of Silence” or “Who’s the wanker in the black?” would have worked). And yes they show the bit that hurts my retina.

I never watched Davina’s BBC show, but this has to be one of the shittest interviews I’ve witnessed.  “How will you feel when we show Shilpa the footage?”, she asks Danielle.  “I think she’ll be very understanding” simpers the “disgraced Beauty Queen”. And that’s it. Off the fucking hook, as punchable pseudo cockney racist Maxwell (known popularly as Maxcunt) used to yell irritatingly in Big Brother 6. (The one were Endemol managed to cover up a variety of racist remarks against two black housemates including references to “Your sort of people” and insults such as “You smell of dogshit”. The only thing surprising with this series is anyone being surprised).

An apparently unrepentent Danielle giggles through her highlights which mostly comprise sycophantic nonsense, such as Ian_TWFS telling her “People are going to love you. You’re stupid and you’re beautiful” and Cleo describing her as “a young pony in the new forest”, earning yet another “for fuck sake”. She’s more like a domestic pony at a village fete, having been groomed and offering rides in exchange for cash.

 We’re galloping through the evictions now, it’s almost as though Endemol want this whole sorry mess of their own making to end as quickly as possible.

 Ian comes 4th  and exits the house to deservedly big cheers. He descends the steps like a bouncy springer spaniel, looking more relaxed and ten years younger than he did in the house. He talks about his disappointment with the behaviour of the Jade crew, and admits to loving Shilpa “to bits”. Not being a thicky, Ian seems pretty aware with regards the fuss caused by the bullying, although the international aspect to the story shocks him. “From my knowledge there was nothing fuelled from racism” he states carefully. Davina points out that he may not have been privy to the comments, and he concedes that if they were made then the whole fuss is justified. 

She then attacks him for failing to be all butch and step into the arguments. I have a vision of  Davina as a pramface in a denim mini-skirt standing outside a pub, egging on her boyfriend to twat anyone who accidentally looks at her.

 Ian honestly confesses that he felt out of his depth with the hostility;  “I’ve lived a sheltered life and I back away from conflict” (I’m not going there).Besides, with all the arguments, “Jermaine was there to save the day”.  “He did that a lot”, points out Davina. “Yeah” laughs Ian, “and he says about 2 words every day”.   “You went in as H and you came out as Ian,” Davina reassures him, which would have worked better if the dumb bint hadn’t referred to “H” during her later interview with Jermaine. Highlights of Ian’s mostly shirt free action are played to the strains of “chain reaction”. At the point where he’s crying in the loo, Ian’s face is a picture and you can tell he’s worrying that people may think he’s having some sort of bizarre crywank. As if!

3rd place is the Face. Bugger.  Oh well, loving him was a Dirky job, but somebody had to do it, even if it was just me (and all my female friends). He has some last minute banter with “Jackson” and stumbles on the step on the way out, whist giving a non-stop commentary in his whisky and cigar flavoured accent. His trademark grin emerges as soon as he hears some cheers and he does lots of hammy moves, gleefully playing to the audience. As the crowd sing the A team tune, he sings along and then mock conducts them with mental enthusiam. Davina mentions his skipping and he jokily wonders if he’s started a craze; “I had to find something, he wisecracks, ” I was in there with all those talented people”. After some Face style bullshitting, he admits that he ended up showing a bit of his “cynical side” in the house, possibly down to the fact that Shilpa “dumped” him “in the 2nd week”. “I made a good run at it” he smiles wistfully. He regrets being useless during the Jade:Shilpa arguments, “I didn’t move. I didn’t do a lot of separation…” “I’ve never been good helping women resolve their problems”. And why exactly should he be, pray?

Clips of his Shilpa flirtation are shown, and he does look genuinely fond of her; “Can you blame me?”, exclaims, assigning Shilpa epitaphs such as “innate elegance, sweet, adaptable, great sense of humour, wonderful laugh, spontaneous”.. “I don’t think she finds me funny anymore”, he jokes sadly, adding that he was afraid overspiced food would “overheat” his blood. I’m inviting the old raunchbucket round for a vindaloo.

Davina suggests he didn’t like Cleo, which he denies; “I didn’t have a problem with anyone, but Cleo had issues with me”.  When pressed by Davina he reluctantly admits that he thought Cleo may have fancied him “until I started talking”.

He still can’t get over the fact that he was with a bunch of Brits that were freaked out by him being a sarcastic bastard, rather than outdoing him. After all, this is the nation known for Blaine baiting. His highlights feature plenty of funky Face moves and whiskygate, but not enough footage of the man catching his fish. Asked who he would vote to win, he picks Shilpa, which elevates him above most of the men I know, who, if rejected by a woman, immediately start listing her “faults”. I guess most men of 62 are mature enough to not start calling someone a lesboslag if they won’t go to the pictures with them.  Curiously, none of the racism row is mentioned to Face, I wonder whether he was considered too outspoken to question on the issue.

 Davina  goes back to house (“please do not swear, ” Jermaine “don’t worry”), and announces Shilpa as the winner. The actress screeches in joy whilst I emit an anticlimactic groan.

Jermaine (2nd place)  as usual is way too cool for school (unlike his brother). Yoda-like, he leaves his final words of wisdom for Shilpa; “kindness is a strength”. I may have to give it a try, having previously believed that “anger is an energy”. As he exits, looking every inch the insane superstar, some arsehats boo, presumably not at Obi Wan Jackson, but because they think Endemol have fixed the result in some pathetic attempt at covering their back. At this rate Shilpa could be the most booed winner ever, through no fault of her own.

Like Faceman before him, Jermaine puts on a posing show for the crowd and sings along to their version of  “Blame it on the boogie”, until Davina stops him; ” If you sing any more we have to pay the PRS”. I found this vaguely funny, but given the losses Endemol have made on this show, she could have had a producer screaming it into her ear. Jermaine is typically understated and honourable with regards the Jade:Shilpa argument (and isn’t pressed on his comments in the house regarding colour). “I happen to like Jade” he says diplomatically, “she speaks her mind” (then why isn’t she a mute?). He blames the rift on the fact that Shilpa is from another culture and “they didn’t fit”.

Clips of Jermaine in his GURU mode are shown, accompanied by  new age musak. Most have him scoffing nuts whilst dispensing enigmatic aphorisms like “If you understand the root of things, you understand the blossom” (all you have to do to look a bit spiritual is quote Percy Thrower). He reveals that he’s in the process of producing a Jackson family musical in the UK  (making his stay in the house an extremely canny and well played move). I’m now waiting with baited breath for the musical though, it could be fantastic or scary and blaxploitative (or even worse both!). I’m picturing Affro wigs, fixed grins and songs such as “If you don’t hit that high note I’m cutting it off” and “Dammit Janet put your tit away”, although it will in reality feature superb Jacskon five back catalogue, and I’ll travel to see it in a transit full of lesbitarians. He worries whether Michael has watched his Jackson 5 bit, and Davina promises to send Jermaine the tape (which he appears to intend to destroy, even though his singing voice was gorgeous in that task). He discusses living in a household more flatulative than the Clumps in the Nutty professor;  “I couldn’t believe it… and the burping”.  He giggles adorably during most of his highlights,  especially at the peerless “Shake it……….Break it………Shake it”, and receives a heartwarming standing ovation from the studio audience.

 Shilpa won with 63% of final vote; suggesting a vote based on collective guilt or the rise of  the “brown pound”, either way you wish this enthusiasm could be transferred to UK elections in BNP strongholds. I’m loving Shilpa’s effortlessly gorgeous exit outfit, all skinny jeans and floaty red mini sari. The few dullards booing on her exit are drowned out by fireworks, but it’s worth a hint of a vote fix to imagine the looks on the faces of Jade, Danielle and Jo right now. Ha! As Davina whisks the winner towards the studio,  she tells her “Dirk was rooting for you” and Shilpa laughs dismissively, shouting “Chicken curry RULES” (sounds like a way to spice up football to me).  In the interview she talks about her “rollercoaster” experience in the house, with having to cook being her biggest shock (then why do it constantly?). She “kind of has an inkling” as to the story behind this year’s show, but is shown a heavily edited montage of borderline racist and just plain nasty comments from the hataz, her face freezing at “fuck off home” and “you don’t know where their fingers have been”. There’s so much that could be shown, such as Jo’s accented “I have a big hairy man’s face” and Danielle’s “She’s a dog”, but I suppose they don’t want to push Shilpa’s apparently limitless patience too far; plus making Jade the only culprit makes the situation easier to “whitewash”. Shilpa helpfully defends Jade, claiming that “She didn’t mean to be racist”, and in a tearjerky speech she says she didn’t want to come to this country to cause trouble and she thanks the Great British Public for her amazing opportunity to make her own country proud. I can’t really imagine any of the other people in the house, except possibly Jermaine, being capable of such a powerful mini-sermon, and I have to admit that in my opinion Shilpa outplayed everyone else, winning this on her own merit (although without the injection of the Goodys I doubt it would have been the same result). Apparently she’s in the running for a movie set in India with Tom Cruise, although given his current Hollywood stock that’s not much of a career resurrection (actually I’ve just found out from that trusty organ the Mirror that it’s Jonny Depp she;ll be working with – the jammy, sympathy vote winning jezebel!). Mind you, Chantelle Houghton can tell you all you need to know about the prestige of winning Celebrity Big Brother. You might have to google her.

Sweetly Shilpa claims she’s never won anything, was rejected as a model, and lost an Indian reality show even crapper than this one. Davina asks her to sum up the “experience”(man) in three words, to which Shilpa rather insipidly starts: “um Incredible, Overwhelming, errrrmmmmmmm” (How about BORING?). An audience knobber helpfully shouts “chicken”, and she is struck again with culinary inspiration; “CHICKEN CURRY RULES”.

 Having heard people accusing anyone making a potentially “off colour” racist comment as “doing a Jade”, I wonder if Shilpa’s name will also pass into popular parlance, perhaps to describe a person who rises above troubles with good grace. Nah – we’re British; it’s more likely to be used for someone who fucks up, especially in the kitchen (e.g. “Oh mum! You’ve Shilpa’d the chicken, you feckless bitch!”)

We rush through Shilpa’s highlights, and then the review of the show in clips, with none of the usual parading of the evicted housemates before the baying mob (always my favourite yet most cringy bit).

On BBBM most of the previous housemates are gathered with the exceptionn of Jade, Jackiey, Jo and Danielle (who’s probably off flogging her story about Teddy’s cock). Russell Brand sums things up with his “Shilpa has won it and a nation begins to ease it’s conscience”, before moving on to talk to the housemates. Lovely Ken Russell believes that “Face should have won – he was the most truthful person in the whole house”, and the consistently ace Paul Morley (except when he’s writing a book about popular culture, or when he starts morphing into a Tony Wilson lite), surmises that ” Shilpa has won because of the Goodys”, which should piss Jackiey and Jade off no end. Jack remains incapable of coherent speech, and Cleo creepily hints that she’s been perving Face’s teenage son all day, presumably in what Brand amusingly terms a “character based sex attack”. Russell Brand then plays a series of highlights of HIM, ensuring that anyone who’s found him funny recently is reassured that he still has the capacity to be a hideous cock.



           “It takes guts to be gentle and kind” (Russell quotes The Smiths in response to Jermaine’s “kindness is a strength”)

Russell Brand: “Shilpa you must feel elated and excited, do you?”. Shilpa: “What????”

“Fuck Bollywood and have it in Hollywood” (Donny’s advice to Shilpa)

“You certainly are American your bombing is not that accurate” ( Russell Brand after Face throws a plastic glass at him and unfortunately misses.)

  QUOTE OF THE SERIES: “Expectation is the root cause of all sorrow” Shilpa Shetty. Thankfully I didn’t have too many expectations of this series.

 Thanks to everyone who’s dredged through this poorly written and heavily opinionated series of rants. I’m off for a rest for a few days, but recommendations for any future blogging will be gratefully recieved, perhaps something I can derive more humour from (is anyone doing the Israeli:Palestinian conflict or the collapse of the NHS?). All of your comments and suggestions have been greatly appreciated. See you all very soon. xx

Hazel Humphreys, January 29th 2007