First published 27th January 2007 on

Day 24, and thwarted by hormones in her attempts to “break” the Faceman, Cleo tackles a less likely target head on. “What makes you angry?” she asks a serene Jermaine. Without moving a muscle or removing his shades he calmly replies “When people are not nice and they deliberately try to make you upset”, in the manner of a shaolin monk. Somehow sensing that this is NOT a man to fuck with, Cleo backs out of the room.

Shilpa is obsessively cooking for the other housemates again, to Jermaine’s disbelief. “You gotta stop cooking for them and just cook for yourself” he advises, “Do you ever get a thank you?”. “I don’t ask for a thank you!” snaps back the sainted Shilpa. Cooking is obviously Shilpa’s counterpart to Jermaine’s cleaning OCD, and whilst governing what a bunch of lazy bastards eat could be viewed as more controlling, given Danielle’s threat to put scabs in Shilpa’s curry and Jack wanting to piss in Face’s soy sauce, it’s a relief that she’s taking charge.

Whilst Faceman struggles to retrieve a packet of cereal from the top shelf, the housemates encourage him by singing the theme tune to the A team. “I play that when I have sex, ” he deadpans to Danielle’s disgust. “Oh Dirkkk, not when I’m having breakfast” she cries, Ian_TWFS cheekily asking whether Face still has sex, “not by yourself, I mean”. Face starts happily frying his leftover salmon skin; the fishy fumes causing Danielle to fly into a hacky choking fit; Teddy obviously hasn’t told her that the skin is the best bit. She and Jo are driven out to Nowhere with Cleo where they discuss Face’s unconventional and pungent culinary habits. “I’m not in the mood for smelling fish when I’ve just woke up,” sneers Jo (you could have fooled us love). The topic switches to Face daring to mention the word “sex”, which according to Danielle makes him a “dirty bastard”. Cleo suggests that even Face should be allowed to have sex, to which Danielle screams “No! I don’t even wanna know if anybody else is having sex or not. God that is revolting!” For a woman who reveals her breasts for wank mags, she’s remarkably prudish.

Face’s anti-big brother diatribe begins with Ian_TWFS in the kitchen. “This has nothing to do with reality or real people or anything,” he complains, condemning the show as cheap television where the producers “don’t need to get someone with genius or imagination to write something” (No shit!). He describes the housemates as “Monkeys on a typewriter”, metaphorically speaking, unless Jack’s got a “Lady Brother” stashed under his bed. Face believes there’s a formula to winning the show; “Jermaine’s got it nailed. Just stay quiet…which I have tried, but it’s not my personality”. Quiet men don’t come first though Faceman (and if they do, how could you tell?).

Shilpa reveals that Arnold Scwarzenegger chatted her up whilst he attended a Bollywood birthday party. Given her calm reaction to aggression in the house, he probably loomed in for a sneaky fingers and tops. Apropos of nothing Ian_TWFS starts talking about how difficult it is to come out as a gaymo in the public eye (so to speak). “What? Is Arnie gay?” asks a thrown Shilpa. Ian_TWFS has apparently been propositioned by HUGE stars, but never strayed from his partner, and is too much of a gentleman to name names. It’s a shame Peter Tatchell isn’t in the house.

Shilpa holds another press conference in the diary room about her feelings on being an Indian in the house. “I thought it would be difficult to bond”, but “we all have the same colour blood running through our veins”, “I have a dream” etc. If only Big Brother had thought to pipe in “Ebony and Ivory” as a wakeup call the morning after Oxogate, it would have been beautiful.

Doing her nails Danielle’s hands are shaking ” Im scared” she moans. Without looking up from the eggs on toast she is troughing down, Jo growls, “don’t be scared”, whilst Cleo goes into her MILM* mode, offering to make Danielle a “real magicky” cup of tea to assuage her fears. And these fruitcakes took the piss out of Shilpa’s fairy wings!

(*Mummy I Like to Mock)

Face and Ian_TWFS discuss who they think will win. Bizarrely, Face tips Danielle for being a “natural”, but Ian_TWFS more astutely suggests that she’s probably blown it by following her bessie mate Jade. “I’d like to see Shilpa win” says Face, ” A non Brit”. When Ian_TWFS points out that he’s a non Brit, he chuckles at the very idea of winning and returning victorious to the US , imagining the reaction; “‘How’d you do that? You always irritate people'”.

Cleo’s feeling the pressure and Jo tries to chivvy her up; “Let’s just get through it how we usually do, with a bad joke and a laugh”. Or perhaps by talking bullshit, dissing your fellow housemates and inventing psychotic alter-egos. “I’ll probably get stoned” says Cleo, referring presumably to her exit reception rather than her mental state. It’s hard to tell. They argue over who’s going; “I’m crap,” “No you’re not. I’m the crap one” etc. Sisters! Let’s just agree that you’re both crap.

Later when the housemates gather on the sofa prior to eviction, Cleo says to Face “You’re one of my biggest revelations, when I get out I’m going to champion you so hard” (I didn’t notice that in her exit interview). She explains that she misunderstood his gentle and very obviously signposted leg-pulling, and that it hurt. Face is bemused, most of the British people he’s met have been happy to take the piss back (yes but you’ve surrounded yourself with normalish people not feeble minded psycho hose beast). Cleo and Jo state that they thought Face hated them to his genuine bewilderment; “Why did you think that?”. “Cos you’re horrible!” shouts Jo. “Face insists that he “made more fun of Leo”. “Yeah but he jumped over the wall,” retorts Cleo. “That wasn’t down to me it was down to underpants,” Face explains, in a sentence I wager him unlikely to ever repeat.

Face is disappointed with the double eviction; “Just two?” . Devastated that the men weren’t evicted, Danielle’s face melts and Jack rushes to hug her (a noticeably darn sight quicker than when Jade was crying). Shilpa cuddles and comforts the gormless shagsack, and they girly-bond over being the last two women in there. They’ll be plaiting each others hair like eleven year old girls soon. Shilpa apologises for being “boring” (I hate to say it, but she has a point at times), however Danielle insists that she’s funny, when she doesn’t mean to be (as opposed to Cleo who means to be funny, but isn’t). Shilpa laughs at the backhanded compliment, responding with a jovial, “I hate you”. That’s more like it.

Jermaine yet again proves himself the most aware person in there by suggesting to Face that Cleo and Jo’s cards were totally marked because of their involvment when Jade was “pushing” Shipa. They’ve totally sussed how blown out of proportion events in the house have been and how it’s affected people voting. Face finds it hilarious that no men have been evicted, instead choosing to scarper when the going got tough. “Next time I see Leo, ” he chuckles, “I’ll say if you’re in the trenches in the war you don’t run out on your comrades”. I’m sure Face’s Leo love is based on a rose tinted nostalgia of having someone else to talk with in the house, as the majority of his conversations with the bubble haired Napoleon complex annoyed the fuck out of the amiable Montana man. The chat moves on to Cleo, whose number Face has well and truly got (not in a telephonic sense, that would be mental). “Cleo kept consoling everyone…cos SHE was frazzled, ” he notes.”She’s projecting so much..creating people upset because SHE’S upset”. It may be GCSE level psychology but dammit it works.

Danielle bewails her deep and tragic loss, yet again. “It feels like me two best mates have been evicted. I feel like I’ve known them forever” she howls (that’s because you’re an emotionally incontinent goldfish brained child woman, who wouldn’t recognise a real friend if they slapped her round her peachy chops and told her to grow the fuck up). She worries, a little tardily, that people might think she’s a bitch by association. “If they think that about JO do they think that about me?”. “That’s what I thought an’all, Hatstand mumbles, “Hang on what’s that noise. Was that a penny dropping?”. Danielle casually brushes off her concerns and looks on the bright side; “I’m made up I’m still here till the end. That’s warri wanted”. Later in the diary room, she mentions the boos she heard for Jo. “I wouldn’t wanna walk out to that”, she sudders. “That’s just wrong. Really really horrible….I’m shitting myself”. Yes Danielle, being isolated and belittled isn’t very nice when it’s not you dishing it out. “I hope I havent done anything horrible in the house,” she half frets, stunningly oblivious, “I don’t think I have. I hope people like me.” Who knows? I doubt you’ll be Amnesty’s new poster girl any time soon though.

Seeing as it’s final’s night, here’s the rundown of the remaining housemates, in hopeful order of emergence.

Jack_Hatstand. Who is he? I mean who IS he? A creepy somnambulistic presence in the house, draping his angular form in the corner, like something out of “The Cabinet of Dr Caligari”. Pathetically he could prove to be Davina’s toughest interview to date, although at least there’s not too many highlights to trawl through, apart from.. Oh my EYES My EYES!!!!

Danielle (Teddy Sheringham’s titrack) entered the house with me thinking she was an ignorant, selfish, little freeloader and has done nothing to alter my opinion, asides from revealing a nasty streak longer and dirtier than the River Mersey.

Ian_TWFS is very close to losing his dismissive affix. On the whole he’s emerged from this whole extremely well, presenting himself as a thoughtful and kind prematurely haggard man, with unerring patience during the tasks. Like most normal decent people he doesn’t cope well with conflict, but he correctly assessed and denounced the entire bullying situation, managing to not pick sides and ensuring that Shilpa wasn’t completely excluded and for that I doff my cap to the Welshman. I foresee a makeover and a string of “sensitive” Channel Four drama roles.

Shilpa has conducted herself throughout her “ordeal” with infinite class, grace and dignity, providing a masterclass in star quality to us all. My only gripes are that her constant cooking eventually did grate on me, and she appeared to use the generosity of housemates who supported her during the Goody bad old days, dropping them as soon as she was welcomed back into the girly pack. Having said that, she wasn’t fully aware of the involvement of Jo and Danielle in the group bitch sessions, and probably has a huge capacity to forgive that sets her apart from most of us mortals. Perhaps she’s really too nice for her own good, although I can’t see that sustaining a 14 year film career.

Jermaine Man has been a shining beacon of sanity and patience in the house, totally shattering all our preconceptions of a Jackson. He’s mucked into tasks and cleaning with equal enthusiasm, and sadly has too much pride and good taste to release his genius maraca fest “Shake it” as a single. Would be genuinely be pleased if he won, despite my love for

Faceman. Intelligent. Witty. Awkward. Spiky. Flirtatious and Loquacious. An expert angler. Where it not for the fact that he’s pretty buff for his sixties, he’d remind me of my dad (who also raised his kids by himself, which could explain my huge bias). Scarily the father figure stuff makes my love a wrong and dirty one. My liking for the man has persisted despite his anti-liberal stance, and an unfortunate comment about immigration that could be misintepreted by BNP arseholes (when he said that there would be more immigrants than “natives” in the UK I took it he meant it as a positive thing, although given the current climate in the UK it’s not exactly the wisest soundbite). He had the bestest ever entrance into Big Brother, and if he won, I’d be disappointed if Howling Mad Murdoch didn’t pick him up in a helicopter.