First published 24th  January 2007 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Day 21 finds Ian_TWFS befriending the cameras by giving them names and little disguises and chatting them up. “Frisky today aren’t you?” he giggles at a particularly befeathered slutcam. Since Ian_TWFS surprised us all by coming out, he’s slowly been releasing hitherto unimagined levels of trapped “gayness” (or how he thinks gay men are meant to act) – endearingly testing the waters daily with references to skin care products and musicals. Recently the pressure seems to have built up though and if he’s not careful I think he’s gonna blow.

 Face enthrals everyone with manly tales of his “A Team” days, griping about the rubbish woman character in the show, who had the nerve to demand her own fair share of kickass action, even though all women do is fall over, cry and break their nails (probably). “The A Team was the last of its kind… the last male driven show, “he murmurs wistfully. He pronounces “Big Brother “a “girl’s show” with “girls’ tasks”, rather than the rugged “guys shows” that they have in America, where red-blooded men gather together and fish or hunt or rub each other down with marmite under the glare of the cameras, and presumably the viewers vote as to who will go Brokeback Montana first. These shows sound great; either soft porn for the thinking perv woman or potentially hilariously pompous.  Bless the Face and his unreconstructed ways. All over the UK, women bored of miserabilist metrosexual blokes will be learning how to quietly gut a salmon or skin a badger in order to win themselves some Facial approval.

Whilst housemates mull over the intricacies of the shopping list (Danielle asking “Is a potato a vegetable?”), Face diaryroom discusses the vile vocabulary of filth displayed by the dolescum WAG, putting on an endearingly crap scouse accent to demonstrate how she “talks like a truck driver”. In “Mo-ontanah”, women don’t cuss and shit, but he’s intrigued by such language from the “country that gave us Shakespeare”. Face dismisses most of the housemates as “kids”, apart from Jermaine, who’s been in the fame “bubble” since he was 12, and Face believes entered the house “to see how the poor people are doing”. “It’s like a zoo,” he despairs. “It’s a kind of entertainment, but…it’s agony.” Don’t be silly Face, Channel 4 wouldn’t get away with treating animals like this!

 The nominations take place in the lounge, Face playfully endearing himself to team harridan by archly teasing about his imaginary lack of hygiene.

First in is Cleo, who nominates Face for being “selfish with his humour” (at least he’s funny with it), for “flying into a foul rage” (transl. “Goes out to the garden for a cigar”) where “you just know by the way he’s looking he’d rip someone’s head off” (transl. “He looks like he wants to be left alone).  She also nominates Ian_TWFS for freaking her out by talking to the cameras, as she has the monopoly on the thin line between eccentricity and psychosis and Ian_TWFS doing it makes her feel paranoid and “on the brink”.

 Back in the lounge Ian_TWFS blithely undoes his gayvalve, excitedly describing the music from the previous night as “gaytastic” and “camp as tits”. Any second now he’s going to start skipping.

 Danielle nominates Face for being pissed off when they were being late night drunken arsetwats and for missing the comedy genius of Cleo’s Tiara character. She also nominates Ian_TWFS for being “too overexcited..and loud” (this from the woman whose screeching has caused sensitive pets to physically explode). “I feel like a right bitch” she sighs. Nice to see she’s feeling herself then.

Face tiresomely attempts to nominate himself for the umpteenth time with an amusing imaginary tirade against all his faults (“He’s a health guy yet smokes those dirty cigars” – mmmmm!). He then plumps for Jo, ironically for smoking in the house, and for being illiterate whilst liking to talk; “that creates problems”. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t forgiven Cleo for her wiggy sexpestery – “at 9am, my idea of Hell”, and selects her too.

On his return from the Diary Room Danielle wonders why he’s taken so long, “Did they think you were funny? Did you make dem laugh?” she asks, still rubbing in his failure in the comedy task. I almost feel sorry for her, cruelly reminded as she will soon be of her failings in life, but then I remember that Danielle has to suffer a little bit for the world to be a brighter place.

Ian_TWFS nominates Cleo for shattering the house calm with her crap character and overstepping the mark with Face just to wind him up. Secondly he chooses Jo for her role in the argument between Jade and Shilpa where she and Danielle laughed. “In my eyes that was supporting Jade.. They may as well have said those things themselves” he says, bang on the money as usual. Ian_TWFS has a promising future as a Camp Activity Leader (no pun actually attended) with the teaching skills and emotional intelligence he’s demonstrated thus far, and I actually like the prematurely wizened yet wise Welshman.

Jack Shit unremarkably picks Face, again for the entirely reasonable response to “Tiara”, after which apparently “he didn’t speak to anyone for the rest of the day” (which is patently untrue and, coming from Jack-a-Bory it’s a severe case of pot:Kettle racism). He ums and arrs during the second nomination, complaining it’s “like being arrested” (something tells me he should know. At the very least jaywalking), before plumping for Shilpa for leading Faceman on. Big Brother asks him to clarify over his “arrested” comment to which he fumblingly backtracks; “I’ve never been arrested, so I don’t know.” He looks a little shaken up on his return to the lounge, muttering “they wouldn’t let me go” and “no bastard coppa’s gonna take me alive!”

Jermaine nominates Danielle for being a lazy slattern in the kitchen and a flatulating whore in the bedroom, and Jo for being an inconsiderate chain-smoking witch who enjoys watching dogs fuck.

Jo‘s first nomination is Face because “he looks at me like he wants to kill me”, and makes her want to push him into sulking, so she can moan about what a miserable old git he is. Squirming, she also chooses Shilpa for being a “controlling” “school teacher” type, although she stresses that she doesn’t feel “spoken down upon” (that’s because it’s “spoken down TO” you ignorant joy vacuum).

 Finally Shilpa minxily BETRAYS the Faceman for “not fitting in”, and a collective mid-30s feminine gasp is clearly audible. Oh dear. Apparently Face’s demand for respect leads to tension in the house. Sounds vaguely familiar, Ms Shetty.  Jack is her second choice for being too eloquent and engaging a conversationalist for Shilpa to deal with, or maybe the exact opposite.

 Jermaine, who I’ve noticed cannily deals with conflict by getting Shilpa to ask the group any questions on his behalf and place his shopping orders, is the only person not nominated. He and Face resume their double act in the garden whilst Ian_TWFS dares to ask Danielle for some help drying the dishes. The slob with the gob looks as though she’s been asked to suck off all the nonces in Broadmoor, and clings to her beanbag for dear life.  “I’ve got to rest so I can fit into my bikini,” she whines pathetically, presumably having mistakenly packed the pre-liposuction swimwear. “It’s hard work you know being beautiful” she sighs, making me wish for some sort of futuristic slap-o-vision.  She and Jo laze around, melting into the beanbag, and list the countless times they’ve washed up, such as…er… that time two and a half weeks ago during the servants task, which Danielle still recalls as “very stressful”. Bless, you pair of torpid slothmuffs.

 Ahead of the Mastermind task (which sadly doesn’t involve a beardy bloke and mysterious Chinese henchwoman), housemates pick which treats they would most like to win, to the value of £10. Ian_TWFS leans forward all excited and conspiratorial, “How about we get some face packs and mud packs and we could..” he trails off to unanimous apathy, Face commenting wryly, “You ARE gay aren’t you?”

 Jermaine requests “shoes”, Face requests “single malt” (for a tenner Big Brother had better get their Matalan card out and locate the nearest Lidl). Danielle claims she doesn’t want to get “hammered” in a transparent attempt to prove that she’s clean-living and responsible – and to nick someone else’s booze. Jo has a big song and dance about requesting hair-dye, as she’s going to create a new identity for herself (a brunette mirth-bypass-unit. Wow!). Face can’t resist another wind-up; “I inspired the colour,” he says proudly, playing them all expertly.

Most of the housemates get into the spirit of going through questions for the task except Danielle who flounces off to the bedroom, dimly aware that demonstrations of knowledge don’t allow her to show off her finest features. “Who washes the dishes the most?” jokes Ian_TWFS as she leaves. If anyone’s taking the piss in the house, Jo has to do it hardcore; “Who gets the most excitable and jumps around,” she says shrilly. Face joins in “Who has the loudest laugh?” “Well it wouldn’t be you would it?” Jo snaps, adding “Who talks the most boring shit?” “Who’s going to win?” comes back the classic Faceman slam.

Thinking that this would never have happened if people had gone for the face packs, Ian_TWFS tries to re instill harmony by getting housemates to reveal their favourite colour. That’s right Ian_TWFS, steer them away from controversy!  Jo immediately suggests Face is a “brown lover”, (presumably to do with his “man of beige” wardrobe rather than being a vile racist slur or a reference to bum fun). “Well it ain’t blonde” rallies the Face. “Thank fuck for that” retorts a surly Jo, surely a UK seed in Taunt Tennis.

In the bedroom Shilpa appears to be slowly reading Danielle’s palm (or the contents of her mind) when the latter unleashes an ungodly guff to a mixture of forced hilarity and unforced disgust. “It’s all that ice-cream and junk food” counsels Jermaine sagely. “It’s Shilpa’s curry!” shouts Danielle, “I’ve got the Shetty shits” (of course after gorging yourself on booze and cake all day it would be something Indian cooked by Shilpa that pushed your fragile xenophobic gut over the edge.) Jermaine boasts that he and Face have fresh smelling arse air, “like flowers”. “Not Dirk” says Jo her face screwed into a mask of undisguised hatred to which Faceman merely grins. Winding up Danielle is the new flirting with Shilpa, and probably more likely to have an end result too.

Face is in the Mastermind chair trying to work out what Jo thinks is her most unappealing habit. “She has so MANY” he muses. “What’s unimpealing?” asks Rainman Jack.  Cleo prompts wildly from the sidelines, exasperating Face; “Do YOU wanna sit in the chair?” he yelps and she promptly clams up, like Maureen O’Hara in a John Wayne film. I bet she’s secretly loving it.

The other housemates have varying levels of success, with Danielle apparently getting questions on Jack right proving that they are on the same wavelength or she answered “dunno” every time (or both!).

Shilpa takes the chair and is asked her speciality subject. “Cooking”, she announces confidently. No it was a little joke! It’s “Jermaine”, who urges her to focus on the thought of his ten pound shoes.  “No pressure” growls Jo helpfully, “Just don’t fuck it up”. For the final question she is asked which Michael Jackson song Jermaine listed as his favourite on his application. She correctly states “Earth Song” and the shoes are Jermaine’s. “I thought you told us ‘Smooth Criminal'” accuses Ian_TWFS, the latter being the obviously funnier choice for so many reasons.

Danielle unleashes vapid platitudes in the diary room, wiffling on about all the jolly new friends she made, blah blah blah, amazing experience blah blah.. She likes helping old people. And fucking them. When asked if she’s changed her opinion of anyone she claims that Shilpa used to be an evil controlling tyrant, (dig that hole bitch) but now seems quite nice in comparison (now she’s joining the people isolating Face, which is actually reducing Shilpa ever so slightly in most viewers’ eyes).

Apparently Friday will be a double eviction presumably to a live audience, let’s hope there’s a shit load of S Club Fans there, as we could see ourselves a rumble when Jo’s evicted.

 Amusing BBBM moment of the day. A piece on how the housemates have changed compares their pre-entry videos to their actions in the house. Jack’s video shows him silent and blank, and so do the clips from the house. He’s keeping it real.

 Fact of the day: Jermaine, father to Jermaine2, Jermajesty and JermWarfare also has a child called Dave. She’s eight.

Biased Bit of the day. How I’d like it to finish. Obviously I want Face to win for so many reasons, but mainly because for all the wittering about “fakeness” and “being themselves” – Face actually does seem to have the confidence to remain true to himself, whether he’s being an awkward bastard or not. So here’s the result from winner down that I’d like to see:

 

1. Face

2. Shilpa

3. Jermaine

4. Ian_TWFS

5. Cleo

6. Jo

7. Jack

8. Danielle

 

(although a cruel part of me would find Jack finishing above Cleo (in the running order not some sort of nocturnal emission sense) quite satisfying too).

 

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