First published 18th January 2007 on

Ian_TWFS sagely follows in the footstep of billions of confused menfolk by blaming the tension between women in the house on hormones. If only someone had thought on to say to glamourpuss facist Diane Mosely “Time of the month eh love?”, perhaps World War Two might have been averted.  It’s just like those adverts where buying tampons makes you more adept at goosestepping. Jermaine agrees “This place could have been full of guys,” he sighs, “and we all would’ve gotten along.”. He’s finally spotted the “territorial” nature of the stand-off, which given the gradual occupation of the lounge, bedroom and kitchen is becoming a one-sided game of Bitch Risk.

In the diary room Ian_TWFS plays his cards, and for me it’s a good hand. “I like both sides but I would side with Shilpa” he reasons, adding that “people should think before they speak” (or endemol will help them out of a massively overblown racism row or something).

 Jade (who by now may actually be one of the most infoolential people on earth) stalks silently out of the bedroom leaving a comical silence between Shilpa and Danielle, which the latter eventually breaks. “I don’t wanna feel you can’t talk to me,” she says to Shilpa, adding that she didn’t like some of the things that Shilpa had said to Jade. Shilpa immediately goes on the defensive; “I didn’t say anything to Jade, I just reacted to things she said” (TRANSLATION: “I didn’t start the argument by saying bad things, but I did in response to Jade behaving like a Tourettes banshee on crystal meth” – all of which is TRUE).  Sadly she goes on to explain that her gripe wasn’t about taking 4 oxos, but more down to them being used unwisely, offering her own advice (taking stock?) on cube-crumbling etiquette, at which the scouse eyes glaze over. She’s saved from a recipe for by the return of Jade, and they form an impenetrable  bint- huddle of make-up, giggles and whispering. Less than a milisecond after Shilpa leaves the room, Danielle relays her version of their Jade, claiming that Shilpa denied saying anything. This enables the squidgy faced gremliln to repeat her muddled account of events the night before. If you’ll remember, Shilpa’s classic slam was “You are famous for THIS?” (meaning Big Brother) to which Jade’s witty reposte was “I’m famous for talking to you, you loser”. In Jade’s angry peabrain, Shilpa’s putdown has now become “You’re famous for meeting me“, further proof if any were needed to Jade that Shilpa is a hoity toity wannabe princess who needs taking down a peg or two. “I’m not famous for meeting her,” continues Jade, on a roll because she’s sensing the opportunity to wheel out her ragged tales of meeting Samuel L Jackson and Kate Moss (who have their lawyers take out the necessary injunctions). So take that Shilpa Shetty. Erm….

 Hurray it’s nomination time and a nation waits with baited breath, whilst Jade’s terminator eyes scour the room, checking to see if her evil plan of divide and conquer is bearing fruition.  Considering Jade’s need to be at the centre of everything and her instant hostility if thwarted, I can’t understand why the coven of slovens focus on how “controlling” Shilpa is. She’s a funny mixture Jade Goody, a cross between Emily Lloyd in “Wish You Were Here” (the loud and occasionally funny kid with issues) and Mike Tyson (the same, but with extra scary psycho).

Cleo clarifies that her nominations are only made for the sake of harmony in the house then goes on to pick Shilpa for not being happy, causing my blood to momentarily boil until she goes on to also nominate Jade and request some sandpaper for her fenceroids. She emerges from the diary room looking as though someone’s just broken it to her that there isn’t a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow and unicorns were just horses with bits of whale selotaped to them.

Danielle amazingly nominates Shilpa, despite a attempt at damage limitation “I think she’s really nice”. I can imagine the words “controlling” and “fake” are going to crop up a fair few times during nominations so will henceforth refer to them as “the same old shit”. Also Shilpa can’t join in their wacky drinking games because she doesn’t drink (no, because they make normal people want to ram skewers into their eyes). Secondly she nominates Face because he looked at her funny after the huge abusive argument last night but was friendly in the morning, and was cross during whiskeygate so is obviously A DANGEROUS SCHIZO. Curiously this notion is repeated several times during nominations, it’s almost as though somebody is telling people what to think…

Face nominates Jade because her incoherent babble is exhausting to listen to and her disruptive behaviour suggests she has “more issue than the Democrats”. Way to go Face you cheeky mad right wing libertarian survivalist you!  He’s like a PJ O’Rourke that I would shag. Then he again opts to put Jermaine out of his misery. Oh the empathy.

Ian_TWFS is having a pretty astute edit, firstly picking Danielle for being a naïve girl and a mean drunk who’s been heavily influenced by Jade, who is is second nomination because she is the child of Satan AND MUST DIE!!!! (OK because she behaved abysmally towards Shilpa and he couldn’t see any justification for this). “I feel like I’m telling tales to the headmaster” he says on his return to the lounge – so obviously giving the game away he might as well have said “Thank you” to that German bloke in “The Great Escape”.

Jack – Shilpa and Face for the same old shit, although amusingly he further condemns Shilpa for  whispering and giggling at them (what the FUCK?) and for “saying we should have eliklooshon lessons – wharrever tha means.”

Jade nominates Shilpa and Face for the same old shit (well it’s her shit). Yet again she whinges about Shilpa stating that Jade’s fame to claim (sic(k)) was meeting her, and that she had only used “2 oxos”. Get a grip you crazy, mixed up fuckpig. She turns on the rusty waterworks for the Face-nomming because she suspects he has a fan base (oh and because he likes Shilpa more than her or something. The fool!)

Jermaine nominates Jade because he’s fed up with all the disputes and interestingly Jo because she’s smarter than she’s currently pretending to be by hanging with the beeyatches, and isn’t the same person he met when he entered the house (she’s been replaced by a Pat Butcher robot to catch us all out).

Jo nominates Shilpa and Face for the same old shit (describing Face as “Jekyll and Hyde”, which is a laugh when you see what she turns into after a whiff of booze).

Shilpa plumps for Jade for being a loud, argumentative daughter of a lopsided crackorc (whilst that might be a pretty tough trip it doesn’t excuse pottymouthing the Shetty). Second choice is Jack for being well er nothing very much (despite his commendable (i.e. slaveishly unimaginative) loyalty to Boss Hog).

 So it’s Shilpa versus Jade. Fuck me, we didn’t see that coming! Even the housemates were briefed about the situation before the results of nominations were announced (Jade shattering the illusion by shouting “We knew that last night”).

Ian and Cleo have no nominations, sending out the message that it pays to be a pusillanimous jellyhead rather than openly stick up for what you believe is right, perhaps inspiring any politicians of the future that haven’t been sent to bed yet.

 Shilpa does a mini speech to Cleo and Jermaine in the bedroom about missing them all if she goes. She gives Cleo a hug which is coldly observed by sharp-piggy-eyed Jade from the kitchen who immediately makes a derogatory comment.

Inspired, Jermaine takes time to deliver a half David Gest, half Barry White-style rallying pronouncement to the housemates assembled in the kitchen about the fact it’s only the house that is making them all into evil backstabbing sociopaths and he will be all their friends in the real world because HIS LOVE IS REAL. I feel it Jermaine!

For the task the housemates have to split into three groups of three to do modern art (I’m thinking a Chapman Brothers style lynching sculpture featuring Beavis and the Buttheads). Ian_TWFS suggests some sort of tombola system to decide teams, a piece of social engineering which he thinks will make everyone in this tense, fractured house jolly friends again. Shilpa, understandably “petrified” of another encounter with a screechy rem wants to go with Jermaine. Meanwhile in the bedroom Danielle wants to go with Jade because “I don’t want to end up with [Shilpa]”, and poor Ian_TWFS’s brave new world goes down like a tetanus victim.  He consoles himself by getting stuck into his art.

 Face shuffles in, each day becoming more like Columbo. “I thought we were putting something in a thing…” he bleats plaintively. Poor old Face really is morphing into the Grandpa Simpson of the house, sadly reminding us with his sometimes grumpy out of touch ways that he is now in his 60s and more likely to blow up a haemmeroid cushion than a shack full of unkillable drug dealers.

 At the grand unveiling Shilpa, Jermaine and Ian_TWFS unveil their sculpture of an “arsed face fister” mainly inspired by Ian_TWFS’s ideas. Actually the piece is quite nice, looking like a picture from the cover of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s first album. Apparently it represents “strength” and “love” (not “pride”?), and I’m disappointed they didn’t christen it “The love muscle”.  Face morphs into Brian Sewell on a good day, complimenting the dumb-bells which “add meaning” to the sculpture (I don’t think Face really “does” modern art). Of course it’s Shilpa’s bit and she does a screech of joy, attracting a death-ray-stare from Jade.

Danielle, Jack and Jade unveil “Merry and Beyond” which is a pile of booze-related items topped by a doll’s head with half a face full of stubble. Apparently this represents the fact that both men and women drink – and not Shilpa in the morning. Phew.

Jade is called into the diary room for her moment of truth. Earlier when bitching with Danielle in the bedroom she had referred to Shilpa as “Shilpa Fuckawalla, Shilpa Durupa, Shilpa Poppadoom”. Jade remarkably quickly picks up on what’s happening (I suspect a tip-off and some nifty editing) and denies ever being “racial”.  When asked why she used these names Jade states “Well she’s Indian, she’s not going to be Shilpa Harry, Tweed or……. Macin-dosh.” She does to her credit squirm a tad, apologizing to any Indians she may have offended, but sticking to the line “It wasn’t meant”. Well that’s OK then. None of us mean to cause a diplomatic incident, but these things happen.  Why should we have to bother thinking before we speak, or even know better than to randomly insult groups of people?

Jade hones in on “Poppadoom” being the worst offender in the “accidentally racial” stakes. Who like me thinks FuckaWalla is worse?

 Meanwhile Danielle continues the shittest damage limitation exercise since the Hutton Enquiry, telling Jo that Shilpa “means well”, but is just so “controlling” and “fake”. Change the fucking record soft girl. She brushes aside the isolation (and harassment) of Shilpa over the last week claiming ” We’re not doing it to leave her out or be spiteful or be fucking bitches or warrever.”

 Well that’s alright then and not at all too little too late. A generous edit and blatant attempt at face-saving from endemol, who have obviously been tipping off the housemates involved as part of the salvage process. Now they have footage of Shilpa saying that Jade wasn’t (directly) racist to her and Jade admitted “poppadoom” and hugging a bemused Shilpa (10 minutes AFTER being called to the diary room), we can paper over the chasms and get on with the live eviction show tonight. If it doesn’t feature a giggly Davina tritely saying “Some people thought there might be an element of racism, but you know there wasn’t”, I will eat a pot bellied pig.

 The voting lines don’t open into half way through BBBM suggesting some frantic legal discussions have taken place throughout the day.  The live feed mainly consists of Jade saying “I was gutted to hear about the ray…” and birdsong kicking in, although a discussion about who recognized whom on first arrival in the house is aired. Cleo is gutted that Jade didn’t recognize her although they’d met once before. “When you first met me you would have asked me Can I have a big Mac and a strawberry milkshake please Mr Macdonald?” jokes Cleo. “What?” says Jade excitedly, “Were you Mr Macdonalds daughter then?”

 Jade futher endears herself by bigging up what a huge success she is and how every book or TV programme or DVD or she is involved in is a huge success. I hope they show this tomorrow. The GBP may be able to accept an inadvertent racist, but we can’t stand a big-head.

Later the gang of three and Cleo discuss whether they air their baps on holiday . “I don’t think Ted would let me” sighs Danielle. Well he did pay for them darling.



“Will  S Club 7 now be known as S Club Klux Klan?” (Russell Brand – actually causing me to lose a mouthful of beer)

 “Can we go home now?” (Face after the art task)

 “However subtle the racism is it’s never tolerable” (surprisingly ex Monday Club member who claimed that black ex Big Brother contestant Science made him want to vote BNP, on Danielle and Jade)

 It was the cancer story that got ya…that was so romantic.” (Face flirts with Shilpa after lights out)