First published 18th January 2007 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Apologies to anyone reading this*, but considering the eye of a shitstorm that Big Brother has become, I was somewhat lax last night, having been distracted by tiding my back room (not a euphemism) and pouring over photographs of myself with bad hair, I guess I just lost track of time and only started watching about 10 minutes into the highlights. Unforgivable when you consider how keen Dermot O’Leary and Russell Brand are to discuss “issues” so perhaps I should be all contrite today and not merely invent new compound words involving the prefix “cunt”.  Apparently all I missed was some girl’s changing room style probing of a reluctant Shilpa over when she lost her virginity.

 So it’s yet more of the same from never Ending-emol (except for some peculiar reason they fail to screen some of the more “colourful” and potentially damaging moments from the two hour hate-fest that I witnessed the previous night). I’m finding this increasingly hard to document without resorting to just presenting a huge, bold “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE” as a blog in itself and allowing people to work out the rest. Whether racist or not it’s just fucking horrible to watch.

The bitchmatics continue their hawk-like observation of Shilpa’s every movement, waiting for any excuse to pounce, starting with the fact that she’s been using the grill rather than the oven (which they’ve only just worked out by looking at the manual).

Shilpa’s called into the diary room to discuss the atmosphere in the house, giving Jade another reason to sow seeds of mistrust in Shilpa’s Bollywood authenticity. “She’s a mole. She’s always going into the diary room for long periods of time”. “Airgate”, where Jade counts how many breaths Shilpa is taking and calculates that she is using more oxygen than anyone else, doesn’t seem far off.

 Meanwhile Shilpa mentions the fact that her accent is the only one that is consistently singled out for mockery, pointing out that if any of the people taking the piss came to Indian they’d be screwed trying to order a chicken cooked to their specification in Indian, whereas she’s come to our country speaking English “very well”. Good on her. I reckon this is what annoys some people about Shilpa. Women with any level of self assurance are obviously still looked upon with a degree of suspicion in certain quarters.  I hear tell they eat babies and cavort with she-goats every Tuesday afternoon.

 Whilst for the first time ever the four remaining men congregate together hoping for a supply of cigars, port and pornography (Ian (chirpily): “We’re bonding!”; Face (resignedly unconvinced): “Yeah we’re James Bonding”), we cut to the harpies, representing the fairer sex by belching and winging in the lounge.  Shilpa in the meantime can’t find her oxo cubes and displaying the urge for self preservation of comes to ask if any of the harpies have used any. “There’s one left”, snaps Jade.  Understandably aghast that someone could use four Oxos to season a bowl of pasta (you forget Shilpa that it’s in the contract for Jade to feed her ADHD), Shilpa dares to have a mini-moan about it, making the mistake of saying it was all she ordered (more accurately it was one of the FEW things she was allowed to order) at which the selfish scoffers launch into their usual tactic of muddying the issue and creating Oxogate. “We thought that was our shopping” yawns Danielle (having endured the fucktitude of the shopping list it’s obvious that most of the arguments used against Shilpa hereafter are a load of smeggy billybollocks). Jade then brings up the by now well and truly done to death chicken saga against Shilpa (a chicken that throughout the row magically goes from “pink” to “red” to “twinkle in the eye of a dominant cock”.)

“Piss off Shilpa you was all over that shopping list like there was no tomorrow!” screams Jade, stomping her feat as she loses an already tenuous grip on reason and her toxic sidekicks sit laughing it all up. After days of picking and harassment Shilpa finally loses her temper and gives as good back, citing the numerous times she’s cooked and received no thanks whatsoever (Jade: “What-EVAH”). Shilpa is “forced” to admit that Oxos weren’t the only thing she ordered (apparently a major point in the case for the defence) and Shilpa coolly asks “OK are you happy with calling me a liar?” Apparently not as Jade’s screeching and stamping start to reach irate baboon-flange level fuelled by Shilpa telling her to “Shut up” (YES!!!! AIRPUNCH). After a brief game of “No YOU shut up” tennis, Shilpa wisely goes to walk away with Jade’s rant in full swing.

“YOU MIGHT BE SOME PRINCESS IN FUCKING NEVER NEVERLAND BUT YOU’RE FUCKING NORMAL HERE. GO AND PUT YOUR GLASSES ON AND HAVE A FUCKING CRY” (this idea delights Danielle) “YOU’RE A LIAR AND YOU’RE A FAKE. YOU’RE NOT NO FUCKING PRINCESS!”

Jermaine comes to try and break it up by chanting “Forget it” like a Buddhist mantra on a broken record, but somehow despite this it continues, Jade’s piggy little eyes welling up with the pre-tears of the shouty loser. “YOU’RE SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE YOU CAN SMELL YOUR OWN SHIT”.

 Shilpa proves that she can be imperious (when called for) by summoning up all her princess-powers for her coup de grace, a magnificently contemptuous slamming of Jade.  “You got famous for THIS?” (Shilpa indicates the house), “Well good for you!”, at which she spins on her heel and floats from the room, and I can’t be the only person applauding.

 Whilst Face steers clear in the garden puffing on a cigar and Jermaine takes on the task of calming Shilpa down in the bedroom, in the lounge the RAGE still hasn’t lost it’s momentum and it’s kind of scary, as though Jade has completely forgotten where she is and who is there.

 “FUCKING GO TO YOUR COMMUNITY AND GO TO THE FUCKING PEOPLE WHO LOOK UP TO YOU” (she violently kicks an innocent item of furniture in lieu of punctuation). Next to her Jack the Hatstand giggles “Stop it you psycho”. As the red mist dies down, Jade’s cronies move in to congratulate her on her graceful handling of the situation. “That was fuckin fantastic I loved it” laughs Danielle and even Jo looks cheerful for a change having to admit that it made her day. Somehow the fact that this whole situation arose from them hogging down too many oxo cubes has been temporarily forgotten and the girls take the time to remember the real villain of the piece.

“I think she should FUCK OFF HOME” states Danielle, dangerously, adding hilariously  “She karn speeekkk Innglissh propply anywaay” .

Cleo joins the coven where Jade explains that Shilpa was “embarrassed” to be caught out lying.

Danielle reassures Jade that she’s done nothing wrong:  “She was the one who started it over a fuckin oxo cube. Anyway your mother would have been proud of you” (well what a major fucking accolade).

In the bedroom Shilpa’s talking to Cleo about the bad feeling in the house and what she suspects might be behind it,  “I’m representing my country. Is this what today’s UK is? It’s scary.” Cleo looks like a rabbit in the headlights trying to explain the situation without getting involved in the “R” word, whilst Shilpa gives her a YOU MUST BE FUCKING KIDDING LOOK: “I don’t think it’s where you COME FROM. It’s not racist. It’s because you COME FROM a different background.” (that’s cleared that up then). “They’re not being racist… but…” etc.  Cleo also blames Big Brother-related cabin fever (which obviously works in insidious ways on stupid young women). Shilpa “Well OK, but don’t call me names I don’t deserve”. I’m now definitely waiting for the next time someone disses Shilpa and she gets Tarantino on their sorry arse with her ninja skillz. Sadly Shilpa just wisely decides not to talk to Jade. Likewise Jade doesn’t want to talk to Shilpa – ooh get her! That “claim to fame” jibe has really hit home hard – truth hurts. Jade chooses to misinterpret it as another sign of Shilpa’s snobbery:

“Half her fans in her ethnic regions probably don’t come from great backgrounds themselves” moans Jade all her insecurities leaking out into a puddle of wounded werepig snot.  “I’m just beneath her”.  

 I am wondering if the real “issue” here is some sort of working class self loathing rather than racism. If only the working classes had a stronger representative in the house who wouldn’t start projecting their insecurities onto the nearest target, but sadly I doubt Jarvis Cocker would go in after his history mooning Jermaine’s brother – oh and because he has a fucking life.

Either that or it’s the fact that Shilpa can’t pretend to be a girls’ girl (which as I’ve stated I can identity with). I failed the girls’ girl test by not getting involved in gin-powered group crying jags and hate sessions, in short by acting (well, relatively speaking) like an adult.

 Whatever the truth is that Jade and the other bullies are coming across as massively weak and immature (still not an excuse – do you see?) and unless Shilpa starts torturing AIDS infected kittens on air, they’re going to be somewhat taken aback at the knowledge that some publicity is bad publicity in the near future. I know some pundits accuse Shilpa of being “passive aggressive” (a term that should only be used by people who can’t get laid) as though that’s WAY more heinous than being plain old-fashioned “aggressive aggressive”.

 Face says that Jade is a bully and she even got into Face’s face once (without BA he is nothing) whereas just by showing up Shilpa annoys the hell out of Jade by being effortlessly superior.

Face and Jermaine say how Shilpa isn’t at all stuck up, citing the number of times she offers to cook and clean (so much for them sussing Shilpa’s”game” Germaine Greer, you should have just sent in a couple of chapters from “The Female Eunuch” as copy seeing as cooking and cleaning are all a modern woman needs to get the older menfolk onside.)

Wise old Jermaine expresses some sympathy for Jade not having a father. Although citing his own father’s constant spankings and whippings for arriving home two minutes late as a point of stability somewhat blows the argument. Shilpa mentions that even at the age of 31 she has to get home by 2am (just wait till she’s 42 and really starts rebelling!).  To be honest, and I’m going to sound like reactionary old Major Harumph of Humphington here, there probably is a discipline issue here. I can’t really imagine Jackiey Budden providing her daughter with any grounding in social interaction, and Danielle and Jo come across as lazy, spoilt bitches. Bring back national service but only for thick, nasty schoolgirls. We’d have the most terrifying army in the world.

 In the diary room Jermaine again proves he pwns this show whilst talking about the divisions and the fact that Jade sees Shilpa as a stuck-up princess. “I can’t watch someone being picked on for wrong reasons” he states. Jermaine thinks Jade wants control in the house, but as he says “control of what”, it’s pretty much meaningless outside. He reckons that the girls in the house find somebody being dignified and graceful threatening and “all the things they say about that person is the things that they feel about themselves”. Completely and utterly sussed!

 Danielle’s in next and is asked what she meant by the “Fuck off home” comment. “I don’ know,” she says sadly, “It probably just came out. I don’ remember sayin it but I regret it.” She seems to have no inkling of the potentially racist connotation (or is she playing dumb? Nah she’s too dumb!) and in a kindly edit (considering her later comments last night – perhaps Endemol are hoping to stitch Shilpa up as “the girl who cried racist”) is shown backtracking so quickly there’s skidmarks on the diary room chair, claiming that she’s been wrong for obeying orde… sorry  “following the crowd”. Something tells me Danielle’s been pulled up for bullying before – and the footage of her shown on BBLB of her apologising to Shilpa before sneaking off to bitch with Jade doesn’t exactly fill me with hope.

 On yesterday’s afternoon live feed, the housemates were shown engaged in some sort of modern art inspired task, balancing rickety cardboard bum faced sculptures. Later in the evening I was treated to the sight of a hatstand-Hardon. Before I rushed to rinse my eyes I noticed Jade folding a piece of paper and hiding it underneath her duvet. Is it a copy of the 1976 Race Relations Act?

  QUOTES OF THE DAY:

 “These are ignorant people aren’t they?” (poor Jezza Paxman forced yet again to discuss “low culture” on Newsnight)

 

“Get a room” Ian to a flirty Face & Shilpa

 “Bleaching Ian’s hair has been the only highlight” (Danielle completely misses her own pun)

 * I can’t believe I get any readers when the top Myspace blogs are always men pretending to be women talking about how much they LOVE anal sex, but I’ve had a number of kind comments – so promise to keep suffering nightly until the bitter end(emol). It’s weird – I only started this in an attempt to write something other than myself – but the series has suddenly become all zeitgeisty for all the wrong reasons.

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