First published 15th January 2007 on

Day 12’s highlights open with the Faceman endearing himself at least to Tyneside if nowhere else by revealing his admiration for Alan Shearer. “He’s so smart” breathes the Face. Obviously never saw those Macdonalds adverts. (Yeah OK I surprisingly enjoyed Shearer’s punditry during the last world cup – I appreciate it doesn’t pay to upset the Geordies).

Shilpa’s yet again ensconced in the kitchen (I know the kitchen is a comfort zone but she has to let go), where a small miracle occurs when Jade tastes one of her roasties and declares approval. However Shilpa is immediately called to task by the teeds over her (admittedly low) estimated cooking time for a chicken (which from Jade and Jo seems to vary between 2 hours and 2 hours 50 minutes – clueless baggages). Wisely Jermaine advises that Shilpa cook the chicken for their length of time and serve it to them as a burnt offering to the gods of talentless chancers.

The housemates task is too ask Big Brother any question (within reason) apart from it seems “are you allowing borderline racist bullying to continue unchecked on national TV?”. They start discussing potential queries, with Shilpa skating on thin ice for openly mocking Jade’s pronunciation of the word “whale” (Jade’s version, “wile”, which later on Jermaine also takes the piss quietly out of). Whilst the rest of the house start covering their head with their hands and whistling nervously, I’m buoyed by the knowledge that Shilpa apparently has a black belt in karate. Oh if only it wasn’t considered a loss of dignity to twat a plastic werepotbelliedpig in front of the cameras. Danielle (“I’ve got the highest IQ out of all the footballer’s girlfriends”: sweet Jesus) starts the bitch chorus “Shilpa can ask how long to cook a chicken for?”, and before long the coven is accusing Shilpa’s food of giving them the “shits” (simple solution, start cooking yourselves rather than screeching through unhelpful instructions from the sofa in the living room, you feckless fucks).

My mate Caroline phones to try and rescue me from the hypnotic private hell of watching supposedly successful women behave like a pack of feral 14 year olds, but from what I can see the chicken looks fairly alright to me (it was certainly cooked for over an hour which is about right). Nice and juicy. Well I know Danielle in particular is partial to dried out old meat, but I see no other reason for the coven to complain in the way they did. Oh apart from that they are narrow eyed, jealous little spitehags who can’t let anything lie – because otherwise they’d have nothing to talk about ALL FUCKING DAY LONG. If Shilpa does cook again – she should make it an extra hot phal to burn out their poisonous larynxes and give me a break from this .

Cleo manages to get a question I’d wondered about answered (“Is Clint Eastwood the son of Stan Laurel?” Big Brother says no, but they would say that, wouldn’t they?).

Shilpa sits with Ian_TWFS in nowhere, pondering more questions for Big Brother “Why do they hate me? Why am I detested?” She goes on to reveal she’s totally sussed that a lot of it is down to the girls’ own insecurities, although she can’t quite believe it. Ian_TWFS shifts uncomfortably in his seat muttering something really useful about how Shilpa should be “herself”. Cleo joins him later where he yet again confides his fears about the house divide, but Cleo is all “La la la! Look at the pretty pixies”. Either she’s getting through a pint of cleaning fluid a day to maintain that fluffy prozaced veneer or jelly-limbed fishwife Jackiey wasn’t the only person demanding “medication” as part of their contract.

Meanwhile Danielle and Jade absolve themselves of any wrong-doing, the delightful scouser declaring “I’m not fuckin apologisin”.

Jade spends a few hours devising a question so vastly moronic that surely it will enchant the viewing public that attached a sort of sick value to her retardedness back in 2002. “How comes Eskimos hasn’t turned into ice-cubes?”. She then goes on to attach a rambling series of semi-coherent statements that appear to be totally dehumanising to arctic circle dwellers, involving suggesting they use a high pitched squawk rather than speaking – ironically enough as this entire diary room visit sounds like some anguished belm of despair to me; a sort of dirty white noise that I can tune out, but still makes my ears want to bleed. I wonder if Jade is halfway through some sort of dictionary of foreigners to offend. Indian, Inuits… if she goes for Iranians next the shit could really hit the fan.

The freak clique gather in the kitchen, where Cleo potters blithely around whilst they watch Shilpa’s every movement in the next room and provide a running commentary: “She’s looking out of the window”, “Is she fuckin feelin sorry for erself? She does my fuckin ed in” etc. etc.. Cleo feebly objects to their comments only for Danielle come out with the stunning “We’re not singling her out whatsoever. We’re just trying to help her”!!! That’s why all three of you and Jack seem to be absolutely OBSESSED by the woman. Even on the live feed I’m finding it difficult to find a conversation between Danielle, Jade and Jo where Shilpa is not mentioned.

Jade proves that her mental capacity and taste haven’t altered since the days of sucking off balding, thuggish law school twat PJ in Big Brother 3 by announcing that she wants to marry Jack – who she tries to present as some sort of soul mate/ companion (you have to have a soul to be a soul-mate surely?). She then hints that Jermaine Jackson could be her “wedding singer”. Jermaine does the silent Gromit-eyes of the singularly unimpressed.

Ian_TWFS again approaches Shilpa in the bedroom worrying about the conflict in the house, but the Bollywood star is spectacularly cool. “There is no conflict” she states matter-of-factly. “They just don’t find me as much fun. That’s OK. I can’t be them. We all make our choices in the outside world who we want to mingle with”, and with that she primly dances off. Yes – she’s really trying to garner sympathy there. Ian_TWFS  assumes an overwhelmed tragic pose on the bed – suggesting perhaps that the behaviour of the bitch-pack is impacting not only on Shilpa in the house. Later Shilpa puts on some angel wings to cheer herself up (doesn’t everyone do that? I know I do!) watched keenly through the glass by the lounge lizards. Danielle again complains about Shilpa’s “feeling sorry for herself routine” (at least she doesn’t cry and wank over photographs of aging footballers) whilst in the distance Shilpa skips gaily around the bedroom, flapping away. They then mock her wings with dead-eyed Butthead sniggering.

Later the harpies stay up getting pissed with Jack, Cleo and Ian whilst Dirk, Shilpa and Jermaine perch edgily in the bedroom awaiting the inevitable 3am shitstorm when the casualties come to bed. Jermaine suggests (in a stunning piece of tactical reasoning) that Shilpa go out and ask the girls who have been bullying and blaming her for everything NOT TO GET TOO DRUNK. Even Face awakes from his stupour. “Are you crazy? Are you nuts?” he yelps in disbelief.

Next day whilst Ian_TWFS plays Shilpa at ping pong as a task reward, the chorus of misery watches idly from the next room (what’s the betting that none of them even bothered to get up and have a game). Jade spots a new potential victim, “I think Ian has replaced Jackiey with Shilpa”, she speculates glumly (because that’s totally LIKE for LIKE isn’t it?). Whilst Ian, Shilpa, Face and Jermaine ping and pong happily, the rest of the house play a particularly joyless looking drinking game involving counting to fucking 20. What’s next? First housemate to open their mouth fills it with wine (or when they run out, Jo’s piss)?

Ian_TWFS is coming over a bit sensitive and Raiph Feinnes (ooh stop it!) in the diary room as he examines the behaviour of some of the girls towards Shilpa over the last week. He’s on the money with Danielle becoming nastier since Jade arrived in the house and suggests that Jade is influencing housemates’ behaviour for the worse and should know better. (The edit briefly shows Danielle suggesting that housemates put some gusset-yeast in Shilpa’s curry). He identifies “unfair”, “schoolground behaviour”, whisperingly confiding that he was bullied at school, which must come as a shock to us all (I was too, so would have felt much worse if TWFS hadn’t been). I do a little cheer when Ian_TWFS says “Jade should watch what she says. I won’t be a part of it anymore”, but this turns to a groan when he declares his intention to “remain neutral” and then goes for a little sexy cry in the loo. Easier said than done Ian (but at least Channel 4 showed him using the “bullying” word).

Jack dully asked why men have nipples. Thicko – where else would you attach the crocodile clips? When Big Brother gently explains to him about human embryo development, his face shows all the comprehension and inner life of the bottom of an iron. “What’s an envryo?” he mumbles, “Can you not say it in normal words?”, “So I was a girl, can I get milk from me nipples?” (why didn’t an increasingly exasperated sounding Big Brother say “yes” to that last one – it might have livened things up watching him try).

Later Jade again corners Shilpa in the kitchen for another bullshit session, whilst Cleo hovers flimsily nearby. Jade decides to launch another attack on Shilpa’s perceived genuineness based on her involvement in voting to nominate Carol when Big Brother asked her to. Shilpa point out that Big Brother would have made them all vote. “Yes,” says Jade smugly, “but then it would have been their choice.” This piece of work could start a war in a Buddhist refuge for conscientious objectors. If I was Shilpa my ninja skillz would be tingling at this point. Jade then comes out with the classic Big Brother cliché “You’re playing a game” (because that Eskimo question wasn’t at all contrived). Shilpa admits as much because the whole thing is a fecking game, to which Jade gives a look of misguided triumph akin to Mrs Doyle in the Father Ted episode where she guesses the priests name within 3 hours. Cleo tries to calm the waters with some of her pearls of wisdom; “everyone in here is a really nice person” (for pearls read platitudes and for wisdom read pointlessness).  Shilpa appears to cry upsettingly genuine tears as she describes Big Brother as “the most mortifying experience” of her life. At least it can’t get much worse Shilpa, unless you’re Jade and you have to come back to remind people what a nasty bullying butterball you are accompanied by a racist iron faced boyfriend who uses you as a receptacle for his pent up manfat and a borderline psychopath one-armed fanny-bandit of a mother.  Sensing victory Jade moves in for the fake show of respectful honesty, “I never liked you but at least I wouldn’t be nice to you two seconds before I was slagging you off”. Nice one you trollbint. Everyone loves to hear that someone slags them off, and we appreciate being frankly told about it to our face. RE-fuckin-SPECK. Again Shilpa’s eyes water up as Jade strides off and Cleo comes in for her “motherly hug” shot. “Come on, ” chivvies Cleo. “It’s only a game”. So’s football, but at least people are trying to kick racist bullying out of it. So far Ian_TWFC and Cleo have made tutting noises but mainly suggested that somehow Shilpa is to blame for what’s going on (a classic symptom of bullying being that the victim often ends up feeling at fault). In the same night Dermot O’Leary tries to get an A’level psychologist to prove that everything that happens is all Shilpa’s fault. I seem to recall bullying towards Aisleyene in the pleb big brother being supported by endemol (with Davina actively encouraging booing). I can’t see them getting away with it here.

On the live feed, Day 13’s task involves a “celebrity themed” obstacle courses, where the men wear tuxedos and the women wear skimpy low-cut dresses whilst crawling through mud and shit. Cleo’s not happy about the “sinister” exploitation angle (unlike her old TV role which despite her constantly acting slightly backwards in her underwear was at least done in the best possible taste). Shilpa covers up with an extra small which the bitch mob obviously complain about and suddenly Danielle’s clothes ALL FALL OFF. Of course she cries about it later when she realises her breasts may have been visible (just like with that Playboy shot – why is this always happening to Danielle?). I have to admit to my own perving movement over Face’s heavy breathing as he completes his round with gusto. This sets me off imagining if the noises the men make are their actual sexnoises. Then Jack and Ian_TWFS have their turns and it puts me off my yoghurt.

Later it’s the horror of the shopping list and I find myself clenching my fists willing Shilpa to not get involved – but, bless her, she is too much of a Lisa Simpson not to. Even Cleo (her pale, etched face starting to resemble Jennifer Saunders) starts getting snappy with Shilpa and eventually she takes the hint and lets the coven do their own list, which they manage to fuck up monumentally. Jo wears her prematurely-aged Tanya Turner scowl and hisses about Shilpa being “So controlling” everytime she leaves the room – but then lies back and lets Jade attempt to order food claiming “I can’t be arsed with this”. Neither can I. Although perhaps letting the bitches starve will make them slightly more grateful next time someone cooks for them. I want to see them grovel for a bit of manky chicken – and will resist any comments about Danielle and stringy coq au vin if Big Brother can make this happen.