First published 12th January 2007 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Kudos where it’s due; talented fake Welsh comic Mark Watson is currently touring with a show called I’m worried that I’m starting to hate almost Everyone in the World . Whilst his very funny show is well worth catching, I’m kind of annoyed that he’s gazzumped a title I feel would have better served my own emotions after nearly two weeks of viewing this joyless shitcom.

It’s another eviction night and Davina McCall (dressed like a cross between Herr Flick and Violet Elizabeth) gurns like a charmless joey before introducing the “highlights” of the previous day (meaning in effect that the public don’t get to see who nominated who and why until a couple of hours before the eviction, not that my dialling fingers been tempted since my shameful vote of Shilpa solidarity).

Nominations take place with the exception of naughty Carol and Cleo who have been caught discussing nominations (i.e. “You nominate me”, “No you nominate me”) the punishment is actually down to the lameness of their transgression. The fact that Shilpa happened to be sitting nearby whilst this conversation took place yet remains unpunished drives Carol into a wonderfully graceless apoplexy of outrage, bellowing “It’s OK I’M FINE” every two seconds.

The other nominations (people aren’t allowed to vote for Carol and Cleo) are:

Danielle.

1) Leo for phoney sexpestery involving (amusingly) asking her to be a topless baker

2) Face – he doesn’t speak scally.

Face     

1) Ian_TWFS for enjoying himself too much

2) Jermaine – as Face feels his pain (I get the feeling Face isn’t taking this whole thing as deadly seriously as we all should).

Ian_TWFC

1) Leo

2) Face – no reasons are given so I’m imagining it’s because Leo is a cross between a fraggle and a furbie, and Face doesn’t know the lyrics to Stomp.

Jack

1) Shilpa

2) Face -reasons are also censored so he presumably called Shilpa something more inflammatory than “Indian wanker” and Face is fraternising with the enemy. What a fucking catch you landed with this cuntmonkey Jade.

Jade

1) Shilpa because she has to make an effort to have a conversation with her (to be fair Jade you have to make an effort to string a sentence together) – plus “some people are your people” and Shilpa isn’t – which I’m sure will have her gutted.

2) Face – no Leo – no Face because he doesn’t speak chav.

Jermaine

1) Jo – because she’s a slatternly whore with a face like Helga out of ‘Allo ‘Allo

2) Carol whoops no Danielle – because she smells of poo (ok real reason is that neither of them clean up – glad to see the OCD coming back after a distressing absence)

Jo

1)Leo

2) Jack – no reasons given but I hope it’s because they aren’t proper celebrities because:

Leo

1) Jack – he ain’t no proper celebrity just because he’s just boffing one. To Leo “celebrity” means “celebrated” – and is worth misquoting Oscar Wilde over.

2) Jo – she ain’t no proper celebrity (eh Leo – she’s had more hit records than you in the past 10 years) and she uses public transport and shops in TK Maxx. Has the woman NO SHAME! (Surely Leo’s celebrity scale is wonky -adjudging Jo to be less famous than changing room lurker Danielle, who obviously has nicer cherry bakewells)

Shilpa

1) Jack – for being rubbish even at being a hatstand

2) Leo for being a deluded mentalist with the verbal squits.

 

So not one solitary nomination for Jade Goody. Maybe I am the deluded Gump-clone here and she really is a “lovely “girl”.

 

Finally the housemates have to vote who out of Carol and Cleo will face the public vote. Cue more over-reaction and hysteria, you’d think they were voting on who was going to be fed to rabid badgers. Jade is one of the main whinges until Face asks “Didn’t you do this show before?” putting her snout well out of joint. Eventually Carol is picked. I bet she takes that well.

Face and Leo are also up, “I knew I shouldn’t have hung out with you Leo” quips the Face (knowing that in his real world he’s be sitting in the VIP area with Bowie whilst the pair of them wrote “Rubbish little curly midget” songs about Leo).

Back with Davina and the special needers in the audience chant “Shilpa out!” with a venom that would warm Nick Griffin’s cockles.

After the break we’re embroiled in Whiskygate. As everyone else gets the booze of their choice, Face receives a quarter bottle of cheap supermarket whisky. Having swilled all the alcopops and lambrusco in the house, Jade demands some of Face’s whisky on behalf of the girls (who are huddled in a bitchcluster in the bedroom). Face complies (understandably a little taken aback), and Jade rather gracelessly takes half the bottle. Face’s inner grumpy old man makes its short journey to the surface and pours the other half in the bin.  “If they REALLY want it they can get it out of the garbage pan”, he cackles, clearly cracking up. Jade goes into meltdown at the Faceman  “Is that your weakness or something, alcohol?” (yes Jade, he’s the one raging about it). “Do you go to bed and shake?” she adds displaying a sensitivity to the plight of alcoholics everywhere (for real comedy value, Face should have said “No, does your smackhead mum?”), including potentially myself given the amount of Stella Artois I need to see me through an episode of this wank.

 

Leo Sayer’s exit takes on a near legendary aspect. In stark contrast to the almost immediate leave-taking of Donny and Ken, Leo has been threatening to walk over the “insanitary” conditions (i.e. plebs who don’t know who he is) for days. In fact the last straw is Big Brother refusing to give him a fresh pair of underpants. How ironic that Leo Sayer is eventually undermined by “smalls”. Leo refuses to handwash his own pants (he knows where they’ve been) suggesting that ownership of a washing machine is a basic human right (“every fuckin house in the world has one”, er mine didn’t till I was 13 Leo, and I washed my own smalls. It’s made me the woman I am today, skin diseases and all). Despite Dirk offering his own underpants to Leo (who here would turn down the chance to get into Face’s pants?), the enraged obstreperous pop hobbit storms out and ineffectually hits what looks like an unlocked shed door with a broom before making a dash for the “no man’s car park” of relative freedom. The true extent of how out of touch Leo is with reality is revealed when he tries to pull a “do you know who I am?” on two shambling securitymen. Security men are seldom employed for their ability to differentiate, as Leo swiftly discovers. “Don’t touch me you barstard!” he squeaks in outrage to one of the restraining goons. My abiding image is of Leo Sayer head down sulking magnificently in front of an endemol producer whilst waiting to get the cab fare back to his hotel, rather than his extreme non-comedy “timing” jokes in the exit interview with Davina, which would have been denied him if this programme had anything going for it. The housemates deal with their sense of loss by sticking a merkin onto the topiary man’s head – hey presto! A replacement Leo that’s much more fun!

 

Astonishingly in the actual eviction vote (which Leo was apparently cruising before he walked – not that endemol will be refunding any of the hapless plebs who voted for him), the nation decides that they prefer an aging member of the A Team to a tabloid hackette, and Carol leaves the house to muted boos of indifference. Davina manages to prove how competent and professional she is by asking Carol who she thought nominated her (correct answer “no-one you weasel-faced doughnut. Know yourself”). Carol manages to possibly destroy Danielle’s prospects by demanding on air that Teddy Sheringham propose, plus she refuses to give Davina any juicy gossip because it’s all going into her disappointing formulaic column on Sunday. You go girl!

Davina can’t control her excitement when we go back to the house for some live bullying. A pissed Danielle teeters above Shilpa “Jade was one of me best mates BEFORE”. (This is either a turn-up for the books or Danielle’s had two WKDs and is in scouse senti-mentalist “you’re my brother” mode). Oh hang on here it comes: “I get on with Jack like he was me own brother” (you’ve even got the same shallow self regard and limited brain capacity. Like peas in a fucking pod).  Shilpa points out that this “This is great TV but this is not good for me”. Get out of the playground Shilpa – you can’t win here. The whole thing appears to have been stirred by Shilpa daring to ask Danielle if she’d upset her in any way. Although try asking Danielle why she’s arguing and she slurs “I don’t even know cos I can’t remember”.  Jade helpfully adds “I don’t even know why I’m arguing with her”. Cos you’re a vicious pair of harpies who should never drink about sums it up.

Shilpa really needs to learn not to engage with this shit. When dogs fight, one usually submits and the fight stops. Sadly some humans seem to see humility as the signal to start kicking. If you’re trapped in a situation where you’re being bullied you’ve either got to pretend to be utterly oblivious to it and laugh it off or take the bullies on a gruesome display of Straw Dogs-esque violence (oh please!). Trying to reason with this bunch of thickos – or telling tales to a “teacher” figure (although I am enjoying the words of wisdom from the surprisingly lovely Jermaine) is only going to make you the bullies’ personal bitch for EVAH.

Later, after bitching about Shilpa non-stop with her posse, Danielle is dribbling out sweet incoherencies to Shilpa. “I get on with you better than any of the boys”. (she hates most of the boys then). “You are such a nice beautiful girl”. This alcohol fuelled mentalism provides a disturbing and a somewhat embarrassingly accurate introduction to the UK. I hope Shilpa tells us all to get fucked when she leaves the house.

 

As the men leave the pack of women appear to become more unhinged and spiteful, not unlike the fanny-driven shitefest that was the summer BB – which reminds me why I’ve never been a “girls girl” (although funnily enough all the women I really get on with are also not “girls girls” (we’re a secret gang of lesbitarians – it’s like “Cell Block H” when we get together).

Back on the live feed Danielle reminds us all of horse-faced scouse gimpoid Big Brother contestant Mikey by sobbing over her Teddy photo collection. I can assure you that I have never openly wept over a photograph (although it was a close thing seeing a Jackiey lacy swimsuit snap in yesterday’s tabloids).

Watch out it’s Jackiey on “Big Mouth” next to an Indian called Nihal. You’d better learn how to pronounce his fuckin name” quips Russell, making me like him for a second (this happens later too when Brand suggest that Jackiey “stripe” Carol for writing nasty lies about her. Imagine! Then for our entertainment he makes Jade’s mum watch footage of hatstand Jack wanking over Jade in bed and wiping his love-sick on her leg. Ain’t love grand? However, my mind it is scarred). 

 

Face looks miserable on the live feed. He’s bemused by the UK drinking culture and by the meanness of the other women “teasing” Shilpa. “If I understood women I’d still be married”, he sighs, thinking fondly of romping with chaps (and other cowboy related kit) in the mountains. Face and Jermaine discuss the “ranch life” and Face tells an endearing story about befriending wild turkeys and feeding them until they crapped all over his lawn, which amazingly doesn’t end with him shooting them in the throat-flaps. He tells Jermaine and Shilpa all about his cancer and actually mentions that he was threatened with castration (well blow me down I was wrong. What a Freudian disease). He talks about the fact that he didn’t get married until he was 42 (which is why he’s a lonely old man now boys – but he’s probably shagged some amazing bitches in his time eh?) and then launches into a graphic blow by blow account of the birth of his son – which is made all the better by the growing look of pained dignity on Jermaine’s face every time Face says “dilated”. Such is the intimidation factor of the cackling from the bedroom that Jermaine and Face would rather talk about placentas than enter within. Occasionally Face will nervously ask “Are they still giggling?” with a fearful glance towards the closed blinds. Two men who love the great outdoors and the American mountains forced to survive together in impossible circumstances.

However, on Day 10, Face is back flirting in his twinkly, crinkly, not at all serious way with Shilpa who gets all flustered and calls for Jermaine to chaperone her (to be fair if Face was complimenting me on my laugh and my eyes I’d probably start to get moist under the sari). Following Leo’s shock departure Jermaine seems a little shaken (even having a sweet non-histrionic blub in the diary room). Shilpa says to Jermaine “If you go, so do I” and I pray for a mass walkout forcing channel 4 to scrape deep into the barrel to refill the house with freaks to befriend the Harries’ family (rumoured new inmates being ex ginger-minge-headed Wogan-baiting schoolboy antiques expert turned ropey transexual Lauren and her mum), so that the house ends up populated by cokeheads, rapists, Avid Merrion and the corpse of the boy whose skin fell off, taking part in a no-holds-barred Battle Royale.

Danielle and Jade are getting restless. It’s gone 5 minutes since they started a fight with Shilpa. Fortunately the Bollywood beauty is committing the cardinal sin of cooking the dinner earlier than they wanted it. The concept of the microwave oven seems to have passed these two by. Rather than immediately bring this up with the chef, Danielle reports on the situation to Jade and Jack in the bathroom. “It looks gross” she says of a perfectly nice looking noodle dish. Apparently the “fucking dickhead” has ruined it by putting weird, exotic, foreign stuff in, like onions (I once knew a girl who wouldn’t eat onions because she said they were dirty. What a freak.). “She’s a fucking funny little cunt” muses the Scouse starfucker articulately.

Things get worse for Shilpa when she walks through the bathroom with bleach on her face – to the outrage of the duvet coven who can’t understand why she’d put her make-up in the bathroom and walk round like this (my naive guess is she needs the bathroom light and mirror for make-up but doesn’t need to sit staring at herself for 15 minutes whilst the bleach works). Comments such as “face like a man”, “wolf man” are bandied around with Danielle asking such disingenuous questions as “Do you get stubble?”. Jo starts up with “You’ve got a big hairy nose. You look like a man”; rich coming from someone who makes Rutger Hauer look feminine. When she returns to the bathroom they start doing their hilarious Goodness Gracious Me (dodgy Welsh) “I have a big hairy face oh dear oh dear”. I really hope this coven discuss nominations because otherwise Shilpa may be doomed to a thirty minute hate at the hands of booing idiots and Davina McCall this Wednesday.

In the aftermath of the Danielle: Shilpa argument, things appear to have calmed down, until Cleo manages to shake up the whole hornets nest again by telling Jade to be nice to Shilpa because the Bollywood actress is scared of her. With the grace of a bulldozer driven by a jilted crackhead, Jade lurches herself at Shilpa again, who calmly tells the werepotbelliedpig of Bermondsey and her confused scouse sidekick where to shove it (or words to that effect). Cleo gets involved in an attempt to “sort things out now” (yes Cleo when two of the protagnists are pissed, volatile and incomprehensible), but Shilpa to her credit merely states that she will not be “barked at” by Jade. Shilpa retires to the loo for a blub annoyingly interrupted by Cleo’s tiresomely “soothing” emoting. “We all have to stick togther”, “Jade really likes you” comes the mantra.

I’m not enjoying Cleo joining in with the girly whispering, especially as the most she’s said about the constant character assassination of Shilpa is a pretty limp “We just have to be friends with her”. Seriously can anyone genuinely be that naive or is Cleo a sinister uber-beast playing the rest of the house?

In the meantime Danielle, Jade and Jack share their take on the Shilpa situation “To be fair – she’s a complete and utter wanker” says Jack – a loss surely to the alternative comedy circuit. Why bother picking up a wide vocabulary if one word covers so many situations eh Jack?

The live show starts with the ever charming Jo yet again making snide comments about Shilpa “You’re not gonna make it over ere mate”. ” You’ve got a face like a man” (in which case most of the men I know who find her attractive are gaymos – actually most of them are and do!) ad nauseum. Jo is turning out to be a scary and pathetic lush with a face that looks like it’s been sucked by a lemon, who probably only thought Jackiey fancied her because she’s a closet dyke herself (even Jackiey thought Jo was too butch). It’s fair to say I don’t like her.

Please Big Brother put a high profile British Asian in the house to shake these nasty fucktards up a tad – as currently Shilpa is being stitched up like a Bombay duck – or whatever the nearest Indian equivalent is to kippers. Send Sanjeev Bhaskar in (if Meera will let him) and pipe bhangra 24/7 into the bedroom.

 

I drank too much red wine yesterday, so missed the show. As you can imagine I’m inconsolable (I would have liked to see the Jacksons tribute, although not the Steps one that they were practicing for on Saturday), but will do my best to get back into the groove with tonight’s trippy carnival of cockendery.

Quote of the weekend: “But Leo that’s such a titchy thing” – Davina on Pantgate

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