First published 11th January 2007 on

The Leo and Face show is still running strong. “Schmuck!,” announces Leo proudly, “That’s what I am!”. Face skips a beat before responding “No Leo, you’re a putz“. Whilst these two engage in their interminable homoerotic banter, Carol is on a mission to fix Face up with a “nice woman”. So not any time soon then? Face has told Carol that his wife used to pick out clothes for him and he loved it. According to Carol this renders him top catch material. If I had a man who couldn’t dress himself properly without needing advice every 2 minutes, I’d be thinking about residential care homes. Face and Leo are well out of it in the garden “discussing” highly perishable fomer Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko. The “debate” consists of Leo gloating that he can pronounce the name properly and Face yelling at him jovially then wandering away muttering “God he’s so irritating!”. Never mind Shilpa, when will these two taste each others’ tonsils, perhaps during a frenzied snowballing session?

Leo won’t be feeling the love anywhere else after seriously winding up the girls with his antics. He follows the girls into the bedroom just to talk at them. “I wish had a camera in here!” he announces. Did he miss Ken Russell constantly reminding everyone that there are 37 cameras in the house? “I mean a polaroid camera”, he explains, “we could take lots of photos, give them to Big Brother to mind, then take them home afterwards.” The girls experience a synchronised shudder. When prettyboy 80s fop David Sylvian said “Gentleman take polaroids”, we were willing to trust him. When a sexpesty Hobgoblin like Leo offers to get happy snappy, it’s time to start wearing the cast iron bodysuit in bed else face a fate worse than Reader’s Wives. The four women in the bedroom file out silently to escape from Leo, who immediately follows them, forming a twisted conga of fear.

In “Nowhere”, Cleo relates Leo’s account to her of his “near-death” accident in Australia, where apparently his agent was close to releasing a tragic statement to all of Leo’s world-wide fans. “Oh FUCK OFF!” says Danielle in a tone of classic Scouse disdain; possibly the most sensible thing she will say all series. Running out of tolerant ears, Leo clings to Jermaine, complaining about the pressures of fame: “You’re cool, you know who you are. I don’t know who I am… I’ve never had full ownership of myself”. Hmm Leo, you’re talking to someone who was pushed into fronting a hugely successful pop group at the age of 8 (Michael started singing when Jermaine was 13) and toured for years and years afterwards, yet still doesn’t waste people’s time with whinging and psychobabble. Jermaine neatly avoids telling Leo to fuck right off by politely bigging the needy little wankmop up (hilariously allowing Leo to group himself in the same category as The Stones and Elton John) until he finally goes away a satisfied, bloated ego vampire.

There follows a rehash of what occurred in the build-up to Jackiey’s eviction, from a slightly different angle. Oh it’s just like Memento honestly!

Jackiey is constantly (and surely noticeably rude to Shilpa) yet when Shilpa confides to yet another housemate, Ian_TWFS about her feelings, he immediately leaps to Jackiey’s defence, saying that Jackiey and Shilpa are from “different worlds” and relating it to class. Sorry, Shilpa is right, a cunt is a cunt no matter how many spoons they know how to use.

Jack in the Hat has finally started talking and is quickly revealing himself to be something of a boring tit. He boasts about all the fakesex he’s been having with Jade as an hilarious joke, who counterjoins that “the shower might be slippy”. Joining in with the joke Shilpa says “I’m NOT going in the shower after you Jade”, but it doesn’t come out quite right and Jade sighs loudly saying “It was a joke”. There does seem to be a Marjory Dawes style effort being made by team Goody and Danielle to misunderstand everything Shilpa says. It’s reminiscent of the treatment of poor fucked up “man beast” blusher fetishist Sam in Big Brother this Summer, but almost more horribly fascinating to see it being done to a beautiful, classy woman.

Jackiey takes her “bitches” (Cleo (or Kilo as Jackiey calls her), Carol, Danielle and Jo) to the diary room to demand booze, so that she can drink to her “lovely laydeez”. Danielle also tries to ask for karaoke to cheer Leo up before being cut off by a brisk “We don’t need that!” from Carol. Nice one! Jackiey is in full on predatory lesbitarian meets pimp meets potential wife-beater mode, a truly terrifying combination. As soon as the booze is delivereed Jackiey finds an excuse to get into Shilpa’s face again. For once a housemate intervenes, it’s Ian_TWFS with a feeble “be nice”. Shilpa tries to cool it out by apologising if she’s offended Jackiey, to which the walnut-visaged pitbull growls “YOU AIN’T OFFENDED ME“. It is truly unpleasant, and I can’t think of any jokes about it, as like Shilpa, if someone had been that aggressive to me with the apparent consent of the rest of the group, I too would have rushed off for a sneaky blub (presumably with Jackiey then shouting further abuse at me for crying).

And then one of the most wonderful pieces of timing ever occurs. I can’t help but think that this must have been deliberately set up, but it was nearly as lovely as that scene in “Annie Hall” where Woodie Allen overhears someone talking pretentious rubbish in a cinema queue, and daydreams that media commentator Marshall McLuhan turns up right on cue to put them straight (thanks for correcting me here Vivienne!). However it comes about, this is more than just plain good timing; it’s karma. As you’ll recall, all housemates were called to the dining table, Shilpa eventually arriving with the shades and tissue (not a huge surprise as to why, was it?). Jackiey is called into the diary room, and the housemates watch her squinting and growling response on the screen. It seems to me that Jackiey’s nervousness at first in the diary room is based on a concern that she might get evicted for threatening behaviour. The public vote idea seems to be a genuine surprise to her (and Shilpa who allows a half smile to visit her lips for a milisecond). When Jackiey is evicted (YES!!! DING DONG! etc.), Shilpa even briefly removes her shades, a glimmer of hope illuminating her strained face.

All of which seems fair enough, especially compared to the wailing chorus of melodramatic doom that ensues from the other housemates. Oh Cleo, I’m disappointed in you. She comes into the diary room as though she’s organising a funeral, begging to know that Jackiey was looked after properly, claiming that this information was “for our comfort, but especially the comfort of Jade.”

“We all unconditionally and 100% loved that woman. All of us. We feel like we’ve been shot.. please take care of Jackiey.” etc. etc. In order to anywhere near justify this maudlin twaddle, could Big Brother please bring Jackiey back into the diary room, turn the screen on, and show her being slowly gassed in a collection of her own sulpherous emissions.

In between about 20minutes fun filled coverage racking sobs and broken exclamations of  “It’s fuckin nahhsty” (thank you endemol), Jade comes to the diary room to berate Big Brother for their “evil”-doing. When she cries, unfortunately her porcine features return in their soggy glory, although she’s a cuter pig than she was 4 years ago, more of a Vietnamese Pot Bellied to 2002’s Middle White. “I will never forgive you for that” she screams. The obvious answer is for her to walk away and refuse to give Endemol any more of your time, otherwise she’s implicitly asking them how deep she needs to suck their smelly cocks to stay on television. Big Brother asks Jade what advise her mum would give her at the moment, at which the mask of inconsolable grief slips, revealing the woman who had been so mortified by her mother’s behavior for the last few days. “My mum NEVER gave me any sensible advice”, she laughs, insisting on referring to the not-so-dear departed in the past tense, when at the same time a very much alive Jackiey is being directed away from the Big Brother Big Mouth studio because Russell Brand doesn’t want to deal with some deformed loony doing her version of the “rivers of blood” speech live on air.

Leo holds court for the Jackiey mourners by managing yet again to project his own pain onto the situation, stating that fame enters people into a “world of confusion” – in which case Jackiey must be bigger than Jesus Christ.

Only a couple of housemates show some signs of near normal perspective. When Danielle starts wailing about not wanting anyone to go, Jo bluntly points out that eviction is the basic premise of this whole gravy boat. Refreshingly Face refuses to join the tide of sycophantic Jackiey love by declaring the departed housemate to have been a mean-spirited, vicious person. Hurrah for the Faceman! Immediately of course Carol rounds on him, explaining that poor Jackiey was merely “what we call in this country essentially subnormal”. Essentially subnormal? Does she sprout horns if she gets a whiff of patchouli? Carol’s argument that it’s wrong to mock Jackiey for being quadrospazzed bears about as much relation as her previous assertion (in an attempt to manufacture love from sympathy for Face) to Shilpa that doctor’s treating Face’s prostrate cancer were nearly going to castrate him. Unless the cancer was caused by his cock accidentally becoming stuck up his arse, it comes across as a somewhat radical measure, but when has tabloid journalism ever let facts get in the way of a good knob-related story?

In the diary room later Shilpa briefly and wonderfully comes over all Smeeta Smitten Showbiz kitten air-clawing feistiness when asked to remove her shades (presumably for the sake of the cameras, although they also make her look disturbingly similar to Jermaine’s famous ex-alleged-nonce brother if you squint at the telly). She  admits to feeling guilty about the (fantastic) timing of Jackiey’s eviction, however “maybe it was God’s way of doing things”. She sweetly refuses to believe that Jackiey was intentionally hurtful towards her, but admits to feeling “at peace” since Jackiey left the house, although she is sad about the undignified manner that Jackiey was forced to leave in.

At the same time Jade and Hatstand lie in bed, where the latter is at his most vocal stating how much he hates Shilpa. No coherent reason needs to be given apart from a brief “deary me” style “Indian” accent and the word “Wanker!” spat out poisonously. I did wonder whether he would turn into a psycho-hose beast upon realising that he was more popular than a malformed, lesbiotic retard, and it appears that sadly I was right.

In what I can bear to watch of the live feed Jade holds court with Ian_TWFS in the lounge as they compete in a name-dropping competition to see how many celebrities they have clumsily stalked. Ian_TWFS shows Leo “peeping Tom” tendancies by admitting that he carried round a camera so that he could get photographed with the great and good on the pretence that it was “for his column”. He keeps the results in stacks of boxes underneath his bed – next to the Kleenex. Apparently Ian_TWFS entered Big Brother so that he would be known for his many other talents despite being TWFS. Please could readers enlighten me as to what these might be. He’s certainly proving to be an excellent brown-noser as he applauds Jade’s vast array of ethnic accents that she feels sure will propel her to fame as a proper actress. Sorry Jade, Billie Piper’s already cornered the market in wide-mouthed chav thespianism, and I’m not sure one impersonation of your mate’s African mum and one accent clearly nicked from the “lobsters on South beach Lilt advert are going to get you much work in rep.

Big Brother being shit – tonight is a live eviction despite not having seen the nominations yet. However Carol is up for eviction for being a dorty cheat, with Face (nooooooo!) and Leo also nommed. On the whole I’d miss Leo alienating everyone whilst approaching meltdown slightly more, so the smart money should go on sacking the hack.


Quote of the live feed: “Is he gay?” Jack on Little Britain’s Matt Lucas

“Is the other one gay?” Jack on David Wailliams