First published 10th January 2007 on

It’s only the 8th day of me visiting this virtual Priory, but already I’m starting to feel like Morgan Spurlock in the film “Supersize me”, but instead of my liver turning to pate it’s my brain. Regardless, I strap myself in for the live eviction show. “Expect strong language from the start”, warns the linklady, it’s like she’s watching me

Sadly Davina’s fashion errors are no more criminal than an unflattering V neck. She reveals with her usual incontinent mania that tonight’s live eviction will be secret and therefore there will be no crowd. A nation wishes Leo was up for eviction, but instead I fear this may be an endemol setup to remove a certain potentially shall-we-say compromising (yet incomprehensible) offensive shitmonkey from the house.

The rent-a-twats in Davina’s small audience respectively boo Shilpa and cheer Jackiey whenever their names are mentioned and my love for my fellow human being dwindles yet further.

On into the highlights, and the dizzy excitement of the shopping list, where the housemates have only an hour to spend nearly four hundred quid. There’s a WAG in there for fucksake! She could blow that sort of small change in seconds. Face and Shilpa frown as they mentally juggle with the logistics of tofu and sprout juice (or whatever it is these joyless macrobiotic types eat), whilst other housemates constantly interrupt with childish demands from the wings. Leo just is an interruption, and Face flaps him away like a turd fighting off a fly: “No talking. We’re trying to concentrate!”

Shilpa gets all excited about the possibility of buying ingredients for Indian meals and knocking out some “chicken tikka massala” (a none Indian dish invented for the British palate fact fans). I still find this incredibly endearing as I too can get all tingly at the prospect of some fresh ginger (and I don’t mean Bradley Branning from Eastenders wearing nipple clamps).  Carol tries to stem (geddit) this ginger madness by somewhat dogmatically insisting they get powdered stuff instead as it’s cheaper. False economy Carol – I mean how are you going to rustle up a decent samunadri raja jinga using ginger flavoured talcum powder? Eh?

Meanwhile Danielle bitches to Jade about Shilpa taking over in the kitchen. Burn the witch! (Surely the kitchen’s the best place for her in those flimsy saris then?).  Jade declares that she thought Shilpa was “dodgy” from when she first saw her. And on what evidence? It’s almost as though Shilpa has been judged by virtue of her gender, ethnic background and looks.  Nah that’s too far-fetched.

At the mention of “Indian food” several of the housemates fall around clutching their throats and making exaggerated gagging noises (kind of) as though a Russian had just offered them some sushi.

Dirk yet again gets all chivalrous, and I know I shouldn’t but SWOON. “London is FULL of Indian restaurants. You people eat this food,” he insists. An opportunity for filthy suggestions about eating out etc. is missed whilst Jackiey decides to launch another offensive against Shilpa, accusing her of being a grasping Mata Hari type who is deliberately and cruelly depriving her of the lemon juice she needs to keep her face looking like a surprised Orc. “No-one axed me wot I wanted”, moans Jackiey. “OK Jackiey, what do you want?” asks Shilpa calmly. “OH NOW YOU ASK!!!!” comes the triumphant retort.

(I’m ashamed to say that at this point my sense of justice is so piqued that my hand goes all Dr Strangelove and phones in a vote for Shilpa to stay despite my insistence I wouldn’t be giving the thieving bastards a penny this year.)

Feeling that she’s scored a major point, Jackiey scuttles off to her diary room lair so she can slag Shilpa off some more without any danger of Shilpa actually pulling her up about it. In a remarkable display of classic projection, Jackiey explains that “Sheepor” is JEALOUS because Jade got to take her mum in with her. Oh. Right. She goes on to suggest that if she met “Shopper” in India (her natural habitat?)  they’d probably get on. The stream of steaming bullshit continues, with Jackiey professing an attitude towards multiculturalism straight out of “The BNP Apologist’s Bible”:  “I enjoy India. I enjoy the culture” (presumably as long as that culture “stays over there” eh Jackiey?). Jackiey hopes her stay in the house will make her “more calmer”, and claims that all the housemates have taught her something, “even Shippo”.<O:P>

Meanwhile Shilpa runs about asking everybody why they think Jackiey is treating her this way. I can understand her confusion, given that every racist or angry outburst from Jackiey is politely ignored by the housemates, perhaps Shilpa is worried that this is normal behaviour. She should, however, just rise above it, as none of this bunch of invertebrates would dare to acknowledge that she is being singled out for some particularly vile bullying behaviour. Carol attempts to calm Shilpa down by suggesting that Jackiey probably just wants get lesbojiggy with her. Shilpa’s eyes widen in “the horror the horror”.  Way to go Carol!

Jermaine ends up imparting the most sensible advice. In possibly the wisest comments made by anybody inside that godforsaken mind vacuum of a house he cites Jerry Springer audience members in omparison to clan Goody.  “These people have no self respect. That’s why these shows (reality TV) use them.”  NAIL. HEAD. Thank you Jermaine. Equally insightfully, given Jackiey’s behaviour, Jermaine goes on to discuss his feeling about being non-white in a largely white group and says as soon as Shilpa entered the house he felt better and somehow less “alone”. I am warming to Jermaine now he appears to have chilled out, he’s getting a sweet “camp Cosby” vibe about him.

Ian_TWFS amasses more gay points by making up Jackie as the corpse of Lisa Minelli at a Rocky Horror convention. She then dons a transparent black bathing costume that appears to be only protecting her dignity by the use of three stitched on pubic merkins. She does a trademark lopsided sashay towards the pool and my retinas begin to bleed.

Later Face and Leo sit out in the garden chewing the fat, man-style. These two are becoming a great “Odd Couple” tribute act, with Face sardonically nodding, blowing cigar smoke and occasionally interjecting with a quip or expression of disbelief as Leo rambles on about his wondrousness. It’s always the short guys you’ve got to watch, especially the curly ones. If Hitler had had a perm we’d all be driving Audis in a humourless manner now. Leo is discussing his number one hit from last year Thunder in My Heart (which I believe was a Ministry of Sound mix sampling his song from the 70s). Apparently the number one wasn’t down to the tune, but was down to the GBP and their secret love that dare not speak it’s name. “They love Leo”, says Leo. Ooops, he mentioned it.

In the diary room Jack (the hat) sprawls languidly like a pretty Flat Eric (Eric also has a habit of using ninja style silent mouth flapping rather than talking). “It’s a great experience,” he mumbles. “Errmm. Why is it a great experience?”. He’s not a bad sort, just a bit of a blank canvas, but what do you expect when everything important in his world is about surface.  At least he picked up the right words to mouth about Jade being in “mum of shame Hell”.

Jade reminisces about the good old days of Big Brother, when she was called “Miss Piggy”. “I looked like Miss Piggy, I was fat, in a pink dress, I was really brown because I sunbathed in cooking oil” (Only way to get decent crackling). “I was the most hated person next to Bin Laden”, she boasts. If only she had been next to Bin Laden, perhaps he’d have been easier to find.

Scoop_Carol discusses who is and isn’t putting an act on and cajoles Shilpa into admitting she feels that she has had to tone down a bit for the cameras; presumably giving the empty-headed cuntbubbles booing her the useful excuse that it’s because she is “sly”. It’s like Chinese whispers using retarded brains rather than quieter speech to pass on a twisted message. According to Carol, Jade and Jo are being themselves. That’s nice. Both boring bitches but at least they’re keeping it real.

And back to Davina who for some reason is throwing handshapes that combine the spirit of Tim Henman and the co-ordination of Joey Deacon. The housemates are gathered for the dining table. Danielle appears to be wearing some sort of milkmaid gimp outfit and squeals “Teddy”. Perhaps it’s his favourite and he’s made a pact to dress up as an escaped prize bull back at home.  Shilpa, Jermaine and Jackiey are delayed so everyone seems to just shout at Shilpa to hurry up. When she arrives she’s wearing shades and clutching a tissue – poor cow. Jackiey appears to have half her back hanging out and cream all over it, as though she’s turning into the Singing Detective (the minging defective?). Davina explains that Jackiey has sustained carpet burns during some shenanigans with Ian_TWFS taking her for a drag. It’s taking me right back to my council estate days when everyone’s mum seemed to dress like this.

Jackiey is called to the diary room. OH. PLEASE. GOD.

Big Brother explains to Jackie that the public have been voting since Friday (shame they didn’t mention that they were voting for their favourite, so Jackiey could have instantly known that she is less popular than a hatstand). Jackiey is told to leave the house in her peculiar savlon and jersey ensemble and with and no shoes on. Oh come on Jackiey, it’s probably not the first time.

All this is played over the screen to the housemates, so Jade bursts into tears. Tellingly it’s Jermaine not Hatstandboy who is first to comfort her with a big special Jackson-hug. Shilpa comes over and is immediately pushed away, Jackiey’s thoughtful experiment in social exclusion seems to have worked its magic.

And so to the adverts. There seem to be an awful lot of Activia (“Mmmmm Danan”) adverts on tonight, perhaps inspired by Jackiey’s grumbling bowels of Doom.  I do hope Davina’s interview is incisive, intelligent and pulls no punches when it comes to the question of racism. But that would be a world gone topsy-turvy.

Back to the studio where the hired remedials chant “Jackiey! Jackiey!”. I momentarily enjoy Jackiey completely throwing Davina with the answer to the first question about how she felt (“I couldn’t give a FUCK”). And then it starts:

“The INDIAN was jarring(?) me big time”. Speak in English Jackiey you incomprehensible racist spazbint. I can’t understand half of this nonsense, although the word “Indian” is spat out clearly enough. “Who do you mean by the Indian” simpers Davina inanely. “that Sherpa, Shipman, While Shephards Watch their flocks, Whatever ‘er name is” clarifies Jackiey helpfully for the benefit of the non-sentient. Davina merely changes the subject blithely, with no attempt to object to Jackiey’s attitude. The rest of the interview makes me equally killy. In Jackiey-land everything is Shilpa’s fault, and Jackiey is “pukka” (see she can speak one word of Indian – she loves Indians really!). Jackiey can’t help not being good with names and Shilpa shouldn’t have “gone off her head” about it. Yes that’s exactly what we saw, you scrunchy-faced arse sculpture.

The “highlights” are like an X-rated, special school version of “Bad Girls” punctuated by Jackiey’s laughter and airpunches every time she is shown being rude or aggressive. Careful you’ll knacker the good arm! Recognising her weeping daughter on the screen, she comes over all sentimental. “I’m a bigger version of me own chivvy” she says, screwing any shred of a chance Goody might have had. Davina praises the “indominable” (?) Jackiey, the rems cheer, and I throw a biscuit (and not a Nice one) at the television.

We switch back to the house and Carol again doing the nurturing, comforting bit, this time with Jade. “Your mum’s fine. She’ll be with a psychologist as we speak and they’ll be taking good care of her” (and they’ll only need to put one half of the straitjacket on her!).

After an hour or so dying my hair “none more black”  in some sort of existential Gothic depressionist fit, I turn on the live show to catch Danielle, Jade, Cleo and Jo bonding Heather’s stylee on Jade’s bed. Danielle clutches a stuffed fluffy bunny and giggles a lot when she uses the word “willy”. Good lord is this how low you have to stoop to bag yourself a premier footballer nowadays? I thought you only had to suck them off whilst allowing their definitely not gay mate to bum you.

Whilst Jack and Jade dive under the covers for some fakesex, Cleo and Jo come out to watch Face washing the dishes and putting out the bins (swoon), a task he has discovered keeps him away from the bedroom until Leo has finally fallen asleep. “I love Leo” Face says, “but he’s completely self-absorbed, but it’s hard for him”.

Cleo appears to be moving in on the Faceflirting action in some sort of alpha female coup over Shilpa.  “If we visit you in Montana”, she purrs, “would all the men there think we were racy bints?”

Yesterday I let slip my fear that Faceman might be a Republican, but in the ensuing conversation he declares that he’s not really interested in politics full-stop and is just a “mountain man” (not Brokeback, well not since he got the Battlestar Galactica gig). He seems closest to a kind of slightly loopy survivalist (a loner who loves the idea of America and believes in the right to bear arms (not in a Jackiey sense)). I could still possibly force myself to spend a cosy winter snowed into his cabin making molotov cocktails to throw at the IRS man for a bit of Face-loving.

Quote of the day: “What’s a dimella?” (Jackiey on dilemmas).

OR

“Some people would chop their right arm off to be in here” (Jade on her mother in the house. )

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