First Published 5th January 2007 on

Looking like the casualty from an S&M ‘Allo ‘Allo party, Davina McCall cackles merrily, practically orgasming with the knowledge that Endemol are royally about to piss on a viewing public’s already soggy chips, and whatever she says you know it sadly won’t be “only vonce”. It’s Friday night and the hapless “celebs” have been interred for nearly 3 days, and seem to be actually opening up a little bit with each other. There’s even been some interesting and revealing conversations. I know. I saw them. The problem is so did Endemol. Endemol don’t like this show to rise anywhere above the completely and utterly banal. Otherwise how would it appeal to the remedial teenie texter demographic (the one that’s thick enough to regularly spend money on texting a fixed TV show).  So will some of the film discussion or the Saddam debate be aired tonight? Or will something happen to ensure that the housemates once again clam up and stop being interesting? What do you think? Whilst we ponder the mysteries of whatever TV’s best kept secret since the one about Charlie Stubbs in Corrie could possibly be, we can enjoy the “highlights” of Day 2 in the house before the shit truly hits the fan.

As I suspected, a contrite Donny (who H agrees looks like Rhys Ifans – proving I am a poor gaymo man trapped in a fleshy woman body) wanders about sheepishly (really he should be wearing an “Instant Arsehole just add Alcohol T-shirt” by means of explanation.

Jermaine opens up during a game of I-spy with Donny and Danielle. Because he’s winning. Smug bastard! However he still manages to make me feel a chill when talking about his controlling dad who didn’t let the kids go out and play and forced them to play music all day – “because that’s what we had to do to make it”. And here’s me thinking it sounds freakish and borderline abusive. Hilarity ensues later as the housemates do their best Bo Selecta Michael Jackson “Shamone Motherfuckas!” to a semi-baffled Jermaine (it still wipes his I-spy shit-eating grin off his face).

Cleo confesses in the diary room that she has had to dampen down her natural exuberance – in case people BURN HER.

Jo continues her sly progression towards world domination by offering Donny one of his own cigarettes.  She claims to have based her singing style on Karen Carpenter. Ian_TWFS loses valuable gay points by not knowing who the Carpenters were. However he redeems himself to me by explaining what a MILF is to Ken Russell.

The housemates are given a final party before the storm, prior to which Leo delivers a bizarre David Brent style motivational speech and every does that “this is a long meeting” face I encounter in work on a regular basis. Shockingly “Reach” by S Club 7 is played without any warning whatsoever and Jo runs and hides in justifiable but belated SHAME and HORROR leaving Cleo to entertain the troops with a exotic (!) knee dance (I am identifying horribly with Cleo – I dance like an embarrassing Aunty too).

Jo is still shaken by the reminder of her musical past (“Why would they do that?” um durrr). Charmingly Danielle looks on the bright side of underachievement, “At least they can’t play one of my songs cos I haven’t got any”. Yes Danielle and at least I haven’t acquired a tonne of bling through giving a middle aged man blow-jobs – so they can’t take that away from me.

Davina reveals the first twist – a secret servants quarters. She paroxysms at the “squalor” (whilst I think it looks very like a bedsit I had as a student). OK admit it, how many other people were thinking “Please put OCD Jermaine there”, even if it is crap fake filth? Sadly the housemates are given a minute to decide which three stay in the “luxury” (yes they use a posh designer called Argoos and everything) of the house and Ken, Jermaine and a rabbit-in-the-highlights-eyed Shilpa (looking less than enthralled with the situation) “luck out”. Cleo meanwhile joyfully starts checking she’s got enough pairs of marigolds to deal with the situation. Face says “Ah squalor is my favourite thing”. Look everyone – an ironic American – they do exist!

The servile housemates enter the squalor and rejoice at its quaint fake squalidity. They then realise that they won’t hear Ken’s snoring for a few days and rejoice some more. Donny nobly takes the top bunk rather than leaving Leo with an arduous climb (bah), and tours the house, checking if it’s squalid enough. Nothing some piss and phlegm can’t fix eh?

Whilst the servant pigs wallow happily in their shit and silence descends over the main house, Davina, knowing we can bear the suspense no longer, introduces us to the Goody clan firstly Jade and her quiet (too quiet) boyfriend Jack Tweed (who appears to be rather cynically aware of Jade’s success, I wonder what first attracted him to millionaire Jade Goody etc etc.). Jade appears to have taken the Grace Adams-Short guide to conflict resolution, warning that any unfortunate hussy who messes with Jack will get “A chuck of water in the face”.  Jack claims to be a “football agent” – although entering the BB house during the transfer window could be seen as a own goal – unless he’s merely trading in Panini stickers.

What a transformation in Jade. She’s looking positively radiant and diplomatic. Oh what’s that you say? In contrast to her mother. Jackiey Goody, her first name obviously the result of combining gin and illiteracy with a birth certificate manages to cast her daughter in an absolutely unprecedented sympathetic light. Surgical recreation has left Jackiey resembling a jigsaw of Rita Tushingham, if Rita Tushingham were a dead-armed crack whore channelling the voice of Les Dawson swearing like a lorry-driver with all the articulation of a lorry. Despite the cash her daughter has spent on her mum, Jackiey will never shake off the air of a woman who would put on extra sovereign rings in order to punch somebody. New teeth, nose, boobs, eyes and a nice new  80s Zaphod Beeblebrox style dangly prosthetic arm (which I’m ashamed to say makes me laugh when it waggles around when she gets agitated and breaks into a goose-stepping trot). I’ve just been told that this is Jackiey’s real arm but it just doesn’t work (like the rest of her then?).

Each Goody’s successive entrance into the house causes more carpet burns to the chins of Ken, Jermaine and Shilpa. I’m already sensing issues when Jackiey makes no effort to pronounce Shilpa’s name and later asks her if she lives in a house “or a shack”.

Jade appears on the screen to the non-surprise of any of the “servants” apart from quick-on-the-uptake Danielle who takes about 5 minutes to shout “oh my gawd it’s Jade”. Big Brother informs Jade that she and her family are “special” (no comment) and that the clebs in the main house are now part of her family.

At this point I’m too depressed to watch Big Brother Live so stick on Ken’s film where you can see Glenda Jackson’s nipples and they look like they have lipstick on them –  “Women in Love”  on Filmfour. In an advert break I switch over to catch Russell Brand sticking up for Ken by comparing him to Godfrey from Dad’s Army. And I turn back as Ursula is begging Birkin to love her and the lake is being drained for the lost young couple’s bodies and I think “Fuck you Brand, you know nowt” and “Age is a cruel thing indeed”.  A later filmfour ad break has Face showing irritation at Leo’s constant wittering and Jade explaining that she’s the “most famous out of all big brother contestants” to a now understandably bewildered Jermaine (she doesn’t mention that this fame came courtesy of being educationally subnormal and flashing her vagina whilst drunk).  “I’d just like to be normal” says Jade. “You are” reassures Shilpa (mentally adding the prefix “ab”). Then back to nuddie firelit wrestling – ah. Flicking back I discover that the lovely Donny has climbed over the wall because he refused to serve Jade. Well who can begrudge him for that? (Of course he probably just missed the booze, the drugs, the chicks and his mum). One down.

Day 3 sees Ken asking teasingly whether they should be allowed to get “too friendly with the staff”. Jackiey asks Shilpa about her servants and the latter reels off a vast and slightly disturbing list. Perhaps this is seen as a challenge as Jackiey immediately goes in to full on Waynetta Slob “Wipe my bum. Wot wot wot?” mode with the celebs tasked with waiting on her.  Shilpa bristles – she wouldn’t even treat the plebs she pays to pretend to love her that way!

In the scullery Faceman finds a gap between Leo’s background noise to tell it how it is, with a spot on character analysis which Leo takes as an assassination. “Some people are listeners and some are talkers”, opines Dirk sagely, at which Leo flounces into an exaggerated non-comedy sulk and behaves like a complete tit for a few hours until he feels his point is made and he starts again with the serious business of “entertaining” the troops.

In the main house it resembles a youth hostelling holiday where “naice” middle class people have booked in only to find a young offenders group sharing the living space. The clebs huddle in the bedroom whilst clan Goody play bagatelle outside. I’ve never played bagatelle but I now find it really sinister.

Not to be outdone by Carol’s transparent journalistic grillings of each contestant, Jade starts on a tactful interrogation of Jermaine Jackson ranging from “do you bleach your teeth” to asking the details of the Jackson trial and its effect on Michael and whether MJ is bankrupt to why MJ is so white (amusingly Jermaine can’t recall the name of Michael’s mysterious skin-whitening affliction – domestos isn’t it?). For fucksake Jade you missed one, why not ask if his brother fucks little boys? You were on a roll there.

Meanwhile Jackiey causes general havoc and discomfit with her every word and action, and Shilpa finally snaps and asks her to try to pronounce her name correctly rather than calling her “Princess” (this from the woman who’s been calling Faceman the delicious sounding Duck Benedict for days).  Jackiey is affronted by this simple request and exaggeratedly attempts to pronounce Shilpa – claiming she is trying her best and it’s not her fault if it comes out wrong. Seeing as Jackiey’s attempts include Shoepolish, Shitsu, Shep, Sherpa, Shoop Shoop, Sleepy, Happy and Doc, I’m not sure she really is trying her best, but I digress. It all ends with Jackiey rushing to the diary room to request her MEDICATION (!). I realise that watching Jackiey makes my top lip involuntarily curl in horror and disgust. Jade – having tearfully realised that people haven’t really warmed to her mother – tries to explain the situation to Jackiey and it’s all quite tragic and difficult to watch without hitting oneself over the head with a brick simultaneously.

Later that night in the main bedroom Jackiey farts happily (ensuring that she remains warm under her duvet after turning the heating down for everyone else) whilst Jade and Jack giggle. 79 year old Ken is feeling the cold and has a bit of a moan which is immediately shouted down nonsensically but terrifyingly by Jackiey whilst Shilpa sweetly and silently brings Ken an extra blanket, much to wackiey plackiey spackiey Jackiey’s disdain. It transpires that Ken left the house on Sunday morning. Two down. Christ if only you could bottle what the Goody clan have, it would probably see off terrorists, rapists and pit bull terriers.

In case you were tempted to hand over your money to the thieving shitehawks at endemol to decide whether an over-exposed talent vacuum and her associates stay on the house – the smart money is going to Ladbrokes and placing bets as to who will be driven out next.

Quote of the day: “You can’t reason with stupidity” – Jermaine Jackson. Shamone Muthafucka!